Frequently Asked Questions, and their answers, for
alt.depressed.as.fuck
Welcome, I guess, to alt.depressed.as.fuck where your sympathy, your
cures and your support are unwanted. Try the various *.support.*
groups, alt.cuddle and alt.backrub for warmth and fuzziness.
Q1: What is the purpose of alt.depressed.as.fuck?
A1: To vent about depression without forking over $150 an hour.
Q2: How do you know when you're depressed.as.fuck?
A2: If it can't get any better, but can get much, much worse you're
not just depressed, you're depressed.as.fuck. If the first thing
you would do if you ever managed to get out of bed was to attempt
suicide, you're depressed.as.fuck. If booze is your best friend,
especially the delicious hangovers that blot out the feelings of
depression for at least a day, you're depressed.as.fuck. Basically,
if you have the energy to ask if you are depressed.as.fuck then you
probably are not depressed.as.fuck
Q3: Should I ask my friends for help with my depression?
A3: Only if their names are Jim Beam, Jack Daniels, Jose Cuervo, Remy
Martin or Mr. Glen Livet. Otherwise they will be faithless leeches.
Q4: Should I listen to the voices in my head?
A4: That depends on what they tell you to do. If they suggest
colorful means of multicide that would provide some form of
schadenfreude infotainment for others who are depressed.as.fuck, then
by all means listen to them. If, OTOH, they tell you to find God,
ignore them. However, there is probably not much point anyway, except
to lay down and wait to die.
Q5: Is suicide truly painless?
A5: No one has complained yet.
Q6: Is there a group motto?
A6: Yes. "Be strong in death" and "Leave me the FUCK alone!!!"
Q7: What activities are suggested for someone who is
depressed.as.fuck?
A7: Listening to Joy Division, the Swans and/or Tool, trying to
sleep, drinking heavily, chain smoking, mutilating yourself or paying
someone to do it for you, alienating your alleged friends, cleaning
your gun(s), watching the news, completing your will. For synergetic
effect, try several of these activities in one day. (E.g. carving Joy
Division or Tool lyrics into your thigh after slamming down the last
shot of booze.)
Q8: Is life worth living?
A8: No.
Q9: How often should I read a.d.a.f?
A9: Once. All the articles are the same. Life sucks. People are
horrid. Death is better.
Q10: How often should I post to a.d.a.f?
A10: Every day you are depressed as fuck.
Note, since this was written in 1996, alt.depressed.as.fuck has
been taken over by people who actually offer support to each other.
Sometimes. Life is like that.
Oh, and the person who helped me put together this FAQ has since
killed himself. In a very messy way.
