I decided I don't care anymore. I tried too hard, and it didn't work.
I changed my goals concretely using pen & paper in my analog journal:
Let go of some goals.
Goals of love, of a supportive, caring, loving companion,
are not on the table. They may be viable at some point, but
for now I must shift my focus.
Immediate Goal: true independence--> my own apartment, new job
I feel a *lot* better.
Let idiots be idiots. I'll just live around them.
I listened to a TED Radio Hour episode on loneliness. Apparently it's
a survival mechanism -- Duh, I probably figured that out already, but
needed to hear it from some external authority on psychology/neuroscience.
The purpose of the feeling is to ensure survival: protection from predators,
an alliance against enemies, help securing food and shelter, and...well that's
about it.
Understanding this, I burned the following concept into my subconscious: I
have survived on my own, without a permanent foundation of social support,
for about 15 years now. *I don't need people*. Yes, I occasionally benefit
from temporary "friends" to get me through circumstance, but no one stuck
around (stayed in contact) and I apparently don't need them to. I can
survive thusly indefinitely.
Of course the subconscious mind doesn't respond to logic and reason; it
responds to symbols, emotions, and events. So I sat for a good minute or
two and remembered the times I got stuck in a rut and wasn't sure what to
do, then, being resourceful, improvised my way out of it. I remembered
how good it felt to solve those problems and survive or even thrive.
