I have to stop trying to hard making people like me
-----------------------------------------------------
Yup. This is the root of all my sadness and struggle.
.. that's what my shrink told me the last time I saw him.
I told him the drama that was going on at work right now -- my co-worker, and
my only teammate not talking to me... so I stopped talking to her too. The
doctor drilled me with probing questions -- I know why he was doing that. He
was trying to determine whether it was just my GAD or paranoia making me think
that she does not like me. At the end, he told me, I cannot make everyone make
me like me... that I have to accept that fact. She does not like me, so what? I
still do not understand why she does not like me. I really think I am a very
likable person. She is the only one who does not like me. Fine. I don't like
her either anyway. I don't want to be around moody, controlling/micromanaging,
self-centred person anyway.
It's been an awkward week and a half at work... definitely weird... and
everyone around us has been noticing it.
.. now it's been getting worse and worse. She is not helping me with my work.
I have a lot more work than she does. I see her slacking away many times during
the day checking Facebook and all kinds of non-work-related sites AND she is
constantly on the phone with her kids and husband and who knows who... while I
work my butt off the whole day... no time to chitchat... no time for fun
stuff. I don't use Facebook so there's that... well, I am not comfortable doing
personal or non-work-related stuff at work... I personally think it's
inappropriate... the only break I get is my two 10-minute smoke break and my
half hour (sometimes even less) lunch break (I always rush going back to my
desk due to my work volumes) and she always goes home 15 minutes early while I
come in half an hour early and leave either right on time or 5-15 minutes after
my scheduled finish time.
Now my boss is blaming me for my overwhelming backlog. She was implicating
that my co-worker is not helping me because I gave her the impression that I
did not want her help. True. I did not want her help because she enjoyingly
ridiculed my work, etc. I told my boss that.
I've had enough.
.. I am quitting by the end of the month.
I am not happy at work at all. It's been making me even more depressed.
.. self-destructive thoughts have been coming back again. I took more meds
than I was supposed to take last night.
I found myself sleeping on the floor next to my cat at 3 AM in the morning.
.. weird.
Fuck you... work.
Work is fine --- it's the people at work who are making me miserable.
