LYING TO MYSELF
I've already described the mechanics of my personal log (captured
in little paper notebooks, entries transcribed daily into text
files). [0] [1]
One really neat aspect of the log is that it functions as a memo-
ry access system for my brain.
When I first started keeping the log, I was experimenting with
the concept of the "quantified self" (is that term still popu-
lar?)
So the entries were all time-stamped and included every single
change of activity throughout the day:
0620 lay in bed
0655 up, shower, quick breakfast
0745 went to work
1145 early lunch, ate a can of beans
1213 worked on the import feature for client
Because of this level of daily minutiae, I found that reading one
of these entries allowed me to recall the entire day into memory
to some degree.
Without the log, I couldn't have told you what I was doing on Oc-
tober 15th last year (or the year before that, or the year before
*that*, or...) But with the log, I can - and I can really remem-
ber it, often recalling additional colorful details that aren't
in the log.
It's pretty neat.
But there's a downside, too.
Along with the memories, I also recall the emotions that come
with those memories. And they're not always good.
Okay, they're often not good.
Sometimes life kinda sucks
=================================================================
I've had a pretty easy life by all sorts of measures.
But parenting, uncertain work situations, deadlines, and the gen-
eral responsibilities of adulthood can sometimes be overwhelming.
I've had whole days in my log that amounted to a series of cre-
ative ways to use foul language.
Those entries are kinda funny to read from a distance.
But only kinda. And the last couple years have been particularly
hard. I think we're coming through it and everything's gonna be
pretty awesome.
But when we moved cross country at the end of 2018, two things
happened:
1. I kept writing in my log, but got about three weeks behind
transcribing it.
2. I experienced a lot of stress, and it all went into the log.
Then, a couple months later, I went back and started transcribing
those days...
Therapy, or bottling it up for later?
=================================================================
They say that writing down your stresses and worries is therapeu-
tic. But they often advocate throwing away the paper or symboli-
cally burning it.
But what if you re-read those things later?
Well, I found that after just a couple months, those memories
were still plenty fresh. Heck, for that matter, I was still ad-
justing to new surroundings and responsibilities.
So when I transcribed all of that angry scribbling, I found my-
self feeling all of that stress, anger, and worry all over again.
I still haven't finished transcribing those entries.
Not only was it unpleasant, it also got me thinking about some-
thing else that worries me about my log: Do I want my kids to
read this thing 100 years from now when I'm dead?
I mean, I want the log to be truthful or what's the point, right?
And I don't want to sugar-coat the difficulty of being a parent,
an employee, a son, or a mortgage-paying citizen of the 21st Cen-
tury.
But I also don't want to come off as this resentful, whiny, rage-
filled loser that I feel like when I read my log sometimes.
The act of writing and reading
=================================================================
On the flip-side of writing down all of the bad things to get
them out of your head is the idea of "gratitude journaling" to
concentrate on all of the good things in your life.
Part of me wonders if both of those concepts can really be equal-
ly viable: if writing about the good is good for you, then isn't
writing about the bad...bad for you?
The alternative is that the very act of writing is just *always*
good and doesn't that just feel unlikely?
I do know that writing is a great way to sort out one's thoughts.
That's what I'm doing right now. Maybe it's doing me some good.
But in general, I think writing is neutral: it can be good *or*
bad for your emotions. I'm sure I could come up with something
apt about social media or even Usenet before that.
Finding balance
=================================================================
Okay, so I want to keep writing a log that:
1. Is useful as a utility
2. Works as a memory recall device
3. Honestly records the ups and downs of my life
But I also want to try not to *dwell* in the negative. I want to
leave behind a record of me as I see myself in the big picture:
grateful for what I have and generally optimistic about the fu-
ture.
I think I have the answer, and it's pretty simple:
If something goes great, I'll be enthusiastic about it in the
log. I want to capture that excitement and pass it on to my fu-
ture reading self. I want to re-experience those emotions, so
I'll emphasize them.
If something doesn't go great, I'll write what happened. But
that's it. I'll try not to color it with additional negative
emotion.
I even have an example already. Compare these two entries about
the same event:
"Went to the stupid county tax office to get license plate.
Crowded waiting room and took forever. Kids not able to sit
still. Couldn't hear the lady through the damn glass partition.
Why can't I just do this online? I hate these bureaucratic
wastes of time!"
versus:
"Went to county tax office with kids and got license plate - 1.5
hours."
That first entry makes me mad all over again when I read it - as
if the injustice were still part of my life.
The second entry still tells the truth, but the emotion isn't
there. I can even laugh it off, "wow, 1.5 hours; that can't have
been fun!"
But being human
=================================================================
And sometimes I'm gonna just write how I feel because some days
just fucking suck shit and my adult children reading about it 100
years from now will understand.
[0]
gopher://sdf.org/0/users/ratfactor/phlog/2018-08-10-The-Log-
ging-Habit [1]
gopher://sdf.org/0/users/ratfac-
tor/phlog/2019-05-19-todo-extraction
