He Was Exposed To Danger--Danger Winced
By Michael Connor
I am not afraid of killer bees. I'm terrified of being stung, of
course, but the bees themselves don't frighten me.
My mother and father raised me on adventure, daring and risk! I'd
have given anything for a sandwich. But I trusted my
parents. Whether that was a good idea or not, I'll let you be the
judge. Please, slip into this robe.
We were a family of overachievers. By the time I was 4, I was
5. And I left home at 6. But I was back by 6:15. When I was 7, I
wrote a book on the Washington Monument! But some janitor scrubbed
it off.
It was then I learned that nothing is permanent. Then, and when my
grandpa, Pappy, soaked his teeth.
Pappy was a great influence on me. He was the kind of guy who'd
give you the clothes off his back. But not off his front,
thankfully. Pappy was an intellectual glutton. He once won a square
root of pi eating contest. He was strong as an ox. When they arm
wrestled, it was always a tie. And Pappy signed the Declaration of
Independence! For that, he was punished by the museum guards.
When I was 8, my parents said, "Now you are a man." Which was their
way of saying, "Get a job."
So I struck out to seek my fortune. But the catcher dropped the
ball and I headed for Alaska. As I prepared to leave, Dad gave me
one piece of advice: "When in Nome, do as the Nomads do."
My life in Alaska was in tents. The Eskimos gave me moose. But it
was useless without a blow dryer. My sled was pulled by husky dogs
because all the thin ones were taken. I was going to run in the
Iditarod, but my snow shoes melted. And the caribou and elk were my
brothers, although to this day, Dad denies that.
By the time I left Alaska, I was hooked on danger. It was my
favorite part of any book. I was virile, confident and strong! I
was 9. I knew that it was my destiny to travel the world and to
taste of its delights and horrors. I reminded myself to count fried
liver among the horrors.
I sailed south from Alaska, and the ocean was my playground! But I
nearly drowned on the swings. For 40 days and 40 nights I went
without drinking water. Then we ran out of rum.
Off the coast of Baja California, we were boarded by a band of
pirates. What a horn section! In the weeks I spent among the noble
pirates, I learned the great wisdom of their ways: Float around
drunk and take stuff.
The pirates dumped me off in a village on the Equator where the sun
was so close you could lick it. Which is why the people of the
village were called: Mmnmmnmmn.
I was stalked through the jungle by headhunters! But I lied and
said I already had a job. One night the village high priest went
from hut to hut looking for virgins to sacrifice. And I went from
hut to hut just ahead of him, saving young girls' lives.
I left the village and ran away to join the circus. Looking back, I
could've walked. I wanted to learn all I could, and I picked up
quite a bit just following the elephants. I trained the big cats
without a whip! I need both hands to hold my rifle. I wanted to
ride the zebras bareback, but the ringmaster made me wear a loin
cloth.
I lived among the Pygmies of Africa! No relation to the Pygmies of
Cleveland. We lived in a Pygmy hut, and I slept in the living room,
bedroom, den. And my Pygmy friends taught me that in life, it's
the little things that count. They also said not to even bother
going to parades.
No, I don't fear killer bees, but there are things I do fear.
For example, every 30 seconds in this country a man has a heart
attack. How that man survives, I'll never know.
I once had a brush with mortality. I was scared half to death.
