The MacGyver Cookbook
By Trygve Lode
The Unnatural Enquirer
Well, folks, here it is. I didn't have time to cook this stuff
myself for you the way Paul Newman does, so I just wrote up this
cookbook to give you all the recipes, tried and true just like I
make 'em in my own kitchen at home.
CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES
* Frequent flier coupons
* One medium paper clip (not plastic coated)
* One movie ticket stub
Now remember that chocolate chip cookies are supposed to be a nice
relaxing kind of food, so the first thing you'll want to do to make
them is to go somewhere where you can kick back and relax. Ecuador
is good, so use your frequent flier coupons to pick up a round trip
ticket there. The stewardess will hand you a couple of bags of
peanuts, but don't eat them, since we're going to need those for
the cookies.
You'll find yourself sitting next to an attractive woman who
teaches archaeology at Cornell; she'll explain that she's going to
Ecuador to try to find her father--a biochemist by trade, but he
dabbles in archaeology as a hobby--who went down there to find the
lost pyramid of Sesquichachloride, well known in archaeological
circles as the fabled storehouse of the god Valhequesal who,
according to myth, rode down from the skies on a pillar of fire
bringing with him a wealth of powerful but somewhat failure-prone
magical devices that, according to the priests of the day, were
pretty darn all-around nifty.
Now her father, after examining several stone tablets depicting the
god Valhequesal, discovered that he is always shown wearing a
curious bracelet on his left wrist that looks surprisingly like a
digital watch, leading him to the conclusion that Valhequesal did
actually exist, but he was really an advanced space traveler with
comparatively poor taste in accessories, and that the lost pyramid
of Sesquichachloride must contain his spacecraft and untold other
devices from his world. About this time, the stewardess will bring
by the main meal and you'll want to be sure to save the little
packets of salt and butter that come with your meal--the woman next
to you will be too worried about her father to eat and so you'll
want to take her packet of butter and go ahead and keep her
crackers too.
When you get off the plane in Ecuador, just go out to the front of
the airport and try to locate a cab. There won't be any, for some
reason, so you'll go inside to inquire about where transportation
might be found and some guy will stumble against you and when you
look at him, you'll notice that he's been stabbed in the left side
and is bleeding pretty profusely. With a weakly shaking hand, he'll
thrust the key to a safety deposit box into your hand, gasp
something about "be careful of the poison ivy" and expire messily
on the floor of the terminal. You'll decide that maybe waiting for
a cab is the better part of valor and head back outside--on the
way, though, be sure to stop at the concession stand and ask for a
half pound of chocolate chips. The clerk will measure the
appropriate amount and put it in a bag for you. Be sure your movie
ticket stub is visible in the handful of change you pull from your
pocket to pay her. She'll reach down under the counter and then
surreptitiously drop a roll of microfilm into your bag along with
the chocolate chips, then hand you the bag, saying, "On the house."
At this point, speed is of the essence--get back outside the
concourse before a swarthy man with a mustache strides up to the
snack shop holding a movie ticket stub. Moments later he and the
clerk will run out the door looking for you, just as the woman who
sat next to you on the plane drives up in her rental car and offers
you a lift. Cheerfully accept, and hop in before the man with the
mustache disconnects the safety on his gun. If all goes well,
you'll both be out of the parking lot and on your way before he has
time to squeeze off more than one shot--and he'll miss on the first
one anyway and the woman driving the car will think it was just
another vehicle backfiring. She'll be kind enough to offer to let
you stay in her hotel room, but she'll need to stop off at the bank
first to take care of a little business. While she's talking with
the bank representative, you casually wander back to the safety
deposit boxes and open the one that matches the key. In it, you'll
find a fair sized paper bag containing bags of flour, sugar, baking
soda, and a large bottle of calamine lotion; take this along with
the folded piece of paper lining the bottom of the safety deposit
box. Go back to the lobby just as she's getting ready to leave.
Once the two of you get back into the car and start driving, unfold
the piece of paper--it's a map leading to somewhere deep in the
Ecuadorian jungle. Look more closely at it just as your companion
notices the map, gasps, nearly runs the car off the road, and
exclaims "That's my father's handwriting!" From this point on, it's
pretty straightforward--just trek through the jungle with her for a
few days, evade the occasional drug lord and that guy with the
mustache, locate the hidden temple and descend down a long pole
into its depths, and locate the treasure room.
There'll be a large golden idol in the northwest corner with huge
rubies for eyes, a golden bowl in his lap, and a bird's nest on his
head. Put the butter from the plane into the bowl and stir until
softened. Get the gold cup to the left of the idol and add two
cupfuls of sugar to the butter, stir until creamed. And two eggs
from the next, one swiss army knife spoonful of baking soda and two
and a half cups of flour, being sure to remove the large plastic
bag of cocaine that was hidden in the bag of flour first. Mix well,
add the peanuts from the flight and the chocolate chips from the
bag, pocketing the microfilmed list of drug contacts first, and
place by swiss army knife spoonfuls onto the silver tray propped up
against the back of the idol.
Once the cookie batter is on the tray, your companion will ask to
lick the bowl, but in doing so will bump against the gold torch
held in the idol's right hand and there will be a low grinding
sound as the stone block that forms the doorway to the drug
smugglers' lab slides out of the way and you'll see her father
chained to a lab table being forced to refine drugs for the
smugglers. While they're having a beautiful and happy reunion, pick
up a strange device from the outer room and bring it into the lab
where there's better light for a closer inspection. Be sure to
bring the cookie sheet too and set them next to each other on the
lab table. Your companion and her father will be trying to figure
out how to get him unchained while you note that the device in
question is clearly of extraterrestrial manufacture and appears to
be some sort of highly powerful laser cutting device--except that
it shows signs of being dropped, breaking the actuator wire and
misaligning the front partial mirror.
Tell them to be quiet for a moment as you use the fish scaling
blade from your swiss army knife to realign the partial mirror to
one quarter wave and then unfold the paper clip, using it to
reconnect the high voltage trigger to the laser firing
mechanism. Have him stand back while you use the high powered laser
to cut through the chain holding him to the table and,
incidentally, the wall on the other side of the room, alerting the
drug smugglers to your presence. They'll burst into the room and
one will fire a pistol at you, missing you but hitting the laser,
forcing it permanently on and cracking the rear reflector, bathing
the area--the cookies in particular--with high energy
radiation. Now get chased around the interior of the temple for a
while and, just after the second brief romantic moment where you
kiss her and think "Gosh, for someone who's been running around the
Ecuadorian jungle for nearly a week, her hair's not greasy at all,"
the cookies should be done.
Run back through the drug lab, grab the cookie sheet, noting that
the cooling system for the laser has failed and it's about to
explode, and run to the outer room where the three of you scale the
pole with the bad guys in hot pursuit. By the time you reach the
top of the pole, the bad guys will be halfway up it already, so
uncap the bottle of calamine lotion and pour it onto the pole,
causing them to fall back into the temple as you and your
companions escape into the jungle depths just moments before the
entire secret temple explodes, destroying the drug smuggling
operation along with all the extraterrestrial artifacts.
By now the cookies should be cool enough to eat. Enjoy. Your
companions will have a few too, wistfully sighing over the loss of
so much knowledge so senselessly, as you take another cookie and
notice that the metal sheet you baked them on has etched onto it
the plans for what appear to be some sort of space drive.
Anyway, this is the best chocolate chip cookie recipe I've ever
tried--I've made it dozens of times and haven't had a single bad
batch yet.
