After the catastrophic events of Nov. 5, 2024 the most important thing
that interrupted my sleep was the need to clean my gutters.
It turns out that 'cleaning my gutters' is a modern day version of
"chopping wood and carrying water."
Physical exercise, coupled with here.and.now.focus both on the ladder
and then on the roof, leaning over the edge to clear out yards of dead
leaves and sludge. Cleaning the gutter is a perfect moving
meditation. It was some time after finishing the job, a longish hot
shower and some quiet time that I began to fully recognize its
theraputic value.
If I leave it to the monkey.mind I end up in existential dispair. My
illusions of America have been shattered. The promises of humanity,
the promises of our youth, the promises of the future, all have been
broken. The abyss yawns before us. It has been difficult to breath.
I have become afraid to express my feelings about this catastrophy.
Afraid to say what I really feel. I feel as though I have lost my
constitutional right to Free Speech. I am afraid that the coming
nation.state that was the Democracy of the United States of America
will seize upon any detail or mention.
This prompts me to question all rational thinking. It prompts me to
center on what I truly know, myself. The past day and a half have
literally been, "sleep when I am tired, eat when I am hungry." This
is not selfishness, per se, but a reaction to feeling empty, feeling
that my self-worth has been significantly diminished. Feeling that I
no longer belong.
