Date: Oct. 15, 2019

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Date: Oct. 15, 2019
Location: Strangely-shaped Chair, Classroom Wing, First Floor
Mood: Unsteady Structure
Music: Weatherday - Come in
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Let me preface this by saying that I'm not directly replying to
anyone, nor am I trying to give my two cents on any given situation. It's not
my place to tell people how to live their lives, and we all perceive the
world in vastly different ways. I've just been reading some posts by cat[0]
and jynx[1] about some turbulence they've been experiencing recently, and
felt inspired to discuss my own views on life and how I deal with my own
turbulent episodes.

Again, this is just how I see things. In no way is this written as
some kind of advice column or therapy session. Your mileage _will_ vary.

-----

I'm still fairly young, so I've yet to experience a lot of the
hardships others have faced. I've got quite a few years left ahead of me
(hopefully), and things are constantly in this changing phase. College
especially has a way of throwing every habit or familiar situation out the
window.

I connected with jynx's idea of "living safe" and how it "leaves one
hollow". Being kept on my toes with new situations and contexts that I have
no experience with or control over, it may be hard but it fills me with a
sense of pride that I was able to move through it. It's the days where I
find nothing to do, move rarely, and swim in a drink of my own thoughts when
I find that hollow feeling. The worst example of that recently was when I
cared for my aunt's cats and house-sat for her while she was on vacation. I
spent many hours sitting on the couch in that empty house thinking about my
life and dwelling on a lot of the same thoughts cat expressed. This is it.
This empty house, this empty feeling. Once I leave home and achieve a life
that's "stable", is this all I have waiting for me? The silence of two
flippant cats in an empty house?

While I've never been so drawn to the idea of suicide that I've
attempted it, I have consoled friends who did attempt it. All throughout
high school I was surrounded by that melodramatic sadness that invaded
and persisted, even at a young age. And I don't see that trend going away.

So in order to stave off those hollow thoughts, I dwell on an idea
from my father, and from my various creative outlets. The idea that I'm still
learning who I am, although I will never stop redefining myself. It is a
constant quest to discover who I am, discover my art, what kind of ideas and
messages I want to surround myself with. My poetry is the biggest factor in
that search. My style constantly evolves, as do I. The themes and returning
ideas of my poetry and music are like an era of my life encapsulated and
distilled.

Something about that endless search keeps me on my toes, much like
the myriad situations and decisions of college and my job. I think, in the
encroaching stability and mundane nature of life as one gets older, one
should strive to rediscover themselves. Not in some "Eat, Pray, Love" kind of
way, but in a more meaningful, life-affirming way.

At least, that's how I see it. I'm still young, I have a lot to learn
about sadness and turbulent times. But it's this thinking that keeps me
going when I start to dwell on my future. I grow, and I change, and I evolve.
I become more than I once was, and that in itself is enough for me at this
point in my life.

-----

I'd love to hear what others think about these topics. Feel free to
send me an email at [email protected] if you're so inclined to discuss it.

Thanks.
- Ben

[0] gopher://baud.baby/0/phlog/fs20191014.txt
[1] gopher://1436.ninja/0/Phlog/20191015.post