i wrote on this dry erase board on the surplus refridgerator almost
10 years ago:
"it's better to go somewhere once than nowhere a whole bunch of
times"
i must have been referring to how great college & my music career
were going before agoraphobia and panic disorder fucked it all up.
my mother died under hospice a couple months ago from metastasis
after battling breast cancer for almost 30 years. beneath my ni-
hilistic nonsense on the dry erase, she had written:
"look around you!
you are somewhere.
nature is beauty. enjoy!
drink in the aroma of the flowers and breeze.
marvel at 101 shades of green and purple.
enjoy today and tomorrow!
new day - new beginning!"
this quote along with photographs of her garden comprised the
front of the programs for the service.
especially when we don't realize how quickly one can be made in-
capabale of communication by disease, we put off the creation of
living wills, right-to-die paperwork, etc. -- these things are not
morbid or depressing.
without these things i tried so hard to see that she would not
suffer, but this is impossible and traumatic no matter how many
fucking assholes say "well as a 'christyiann' i think sumtimes
y'gotta suck it up and take an aspirin."
i must be reading a different bible. or any bible.
one of the worst things i had to do was "slip" my mother medical
cannibis. she couldn't keep down an aspirin and had no idea what
an aspirin was anymore. this went on for the better part of six
months until the body completely gave out and the soul separated
from it.
it will never be okay.
but "it" there refers to some normal where she lives. so i look for
a different and entirely new normal. i don't see it yet but i look.
