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# Location: Home
# Input Device: Voice
# Audio: Battery powered fan
# Visual: half full glass of rum and coke
# Energy: medium
# Mental: contemplative reflective
# Emotional: Lonely Mourning
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Quite a bit has been going on and I haven't taken the time to
update the gopher blog. I will do my best to keep this short but
accurate. I just returned from the triangle of sadness. This is a
Reuben Oslund film about a group of people who are on a fancy
cruise ship that shipwrecks and the class stratification of a
that situation. Unfortunately it does not accurately reflect a
cruise ship, the structure of the crew, what the duties and
responsibilities of the crew are, who the captain would be just
it's totally unrealistic, and so from my perspective it fell very
flat. It was like a child explaining to her mother what their
father does at work all day. I was disappointed because it was
built or at least in the preview it seem to be an honest attempt
to critique capitalist society and with the benefits of Socialism
and communism might be. Oh well what did you expect?
I live in a condo building with assigned parking, and I only have
one assigned parking spot but I have two motor bikes and a
car. So I rent an extra space from one of my neighbors. She
doesn't have a car and the neighbor who used to give her a ride
to the liquor store and the grocery store gotten an argument with
her or some kind of falling out happened. Anyway the end result
is that instead of for in lieu of payment I'll just give her a
ride to the store a couple of times a quarter maybe once or twice
a month. We went to the liquor store today and was a pleasant
experience was able to go around and look at a lot of the
different liquors and I came home with a bottle of spiced rum and
a bottle of Jameson which is what I went there for and a bottle
of Hennessey black which is the other thing I went there for those
are my two liquors that I like to drink the most.
The anonradio radio show has hit Another hurdle. I was able to do
a pre-recorded show on Sunday night to air on Monday and then the
rest of the week was unable to get myself to make the show. I
think this coincides with the drop of gopher blog posts.
Ultimately this seems to stem from my aversion to obligations.I'm
not sure what to think of this or how to resolve it. I believe
that the end result is that the show has to change fundamentally.
I still would like to do a daily show but I think that I'll need
to record most of the shows or the whole thing ahead of time. If
it's all pre-recorded so far in advance I'm not sure if the time
slot or timing is appropriate.Publius does to weekly radio shows
and those are quite nice, but I really like doing a show every
day. It's a real conundrum. Ultimately I don't have to or I'm not
obligated to do anything. I do think it's ethically and morally
better to provide a good consistent experience to the
audience.I'm just afraid.
----- Extra Stuff -----
Just a little bonus thought here I think this post is long
enough. We've been doing a mindfulness challenge at work which is
where we listen to and meditate at least 10 minutes a day for the
month of October with up to three days that we miss or we don't
track that we meditated that day.During that time I've been able
to identify and begin working on a number of things. At the
office I realize that a lot of the things that were frustrating
me or that I found intolerable where instead coming from a
personal fear. I feel very alone because there are only two of us
in the office here in Austin and two are in California and one is
in Singapore. We all get along well but working over chat
messages and email with an occasional video call does not satisfy
my need for social interaction. The other person on the team in
town is not really equipped to or adept at socializing. I
don't know how to express this to anyone at work and that feels
alienating. I want to belong and I want to know what is expected
of me and know how to take those actions. I don't get any of
those things, so I don't know what to do. I think that's why am
having difficulty functioning and other fears.
This feeling of not belonging or that loneliness translates into
other spaces as well. The big thing that I noticed thanks to this
meditative practice is that I am angry that things are not how I
expect them to be but I have not made any effort to keep up with
how things are.I have all these unmet expectations and their only
unmet because I never looked out the window and learned what was
out there. Examples include the way people drive, how people
talk, just basic stuff.
I don't know if I'll figure out how to express this but thanks
for reading and giving me a space to share my emotions it helps a
lot.
