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#
# Location: Home
# Input Device: Keyboard
# Audio: Fan
# Visual: back of my eyelids
# Energy: low sleepy
# Mental: clear weary
# Emotional: anxious drained fearful
#
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The big international team meeting continues. On Monday and
Tuesday I had high hopes. It felt like we were really making
progress on our stated goals and were finally trying to address
long standing issues. Things we had all agreed that were problems
when we started the week together. Then, today it happened.
Instead of leading the discussion or trying to guide anything I
trusted that we would follow the schedule that we'd agreed to
the day before.
Sidenote dictation is still god-awful.
I think that the problem is an ego thing. The coworker I've
worked with the longest who knows me the best seems to provide
his content in the allotted time and clearly and concisely. The
others keep trying to wing it or do it impromptu or improv style
and then do not cover nearly anything and talk about twice or
more in time then they want to.I think I feel bitter and upset
about this because I'm powerless to make any change or alter this
behavior. I can tell everyone that they're screwing this up and
they don't see what my problem is. Despite the fact that we
didn't achieve any of our goals or generate any of our target
output.
I've been trying to be more mindful but it's hard to be mindful
and aware of your emotions and feelings and where your thoughts
are going while simultaneously suppressing nearly all of your
emotions and putting on a show.
I'm feeling very angry today right now as I dictate/write this. I
feel like everything that I enjoy in life for the last many years
is slipping away. I don't have time for my anonradio show, I
don't have the energy or will to go to comedy shows, cleaning or
any self-care all seem so tedious. I know that sometimes when
you're depressed you can be angry and not sad. I really dislike
anger as an emotion though. Being sad is like being way down or
may be drowning, but being angry is like being lit on fire.It's
a useless fire and it burns so hot and so suddenly it's like
gasoline in your veins. I'm very grateful that I have at least
gopher or a phlog to share these thoughts and feelings. I'm
not sure what to do with them otherwise.
I've worked the same job for over 15 years. I should say I've
worked at the same company for that time. I've had maybe four
distinct jobs there. I love solving problems and I love helping
to solve computer problems. Setting up a new system or teaching
someone how <dictation deleted about 40 lines or so here>
_shouting_ my God for chrissake this dictation _endshouting_
software makes me so frustrated I'll leave my eyes from the
screen for just a few minutes while I try and gather my thoughts
because it's so hard for me to type while I'm thinking my
thoughts and then <dictation deletes text again> My heart is just
so heavy anyway, thank you for reading my post here if you made
it this far thanks I'll be back soon.
