Yesterday, I was forced to face the reality that I had failed a creative
project. I am not handling this particularly well, so I thought I'd write
about it.
I say "failed", rather than "aborted", because it wasn't something I
wanted to give up on. It was intended to be a gift for an important occasion,
for someone I love dearly.
I say "failed", rather than "stuck", because the reason I can't complete the
project is that somewhere I have made an error which is not fixable or even
salvagable.
And I also say "failed", because I have had to admit defeat. I knew this
project would be technically challenging for me, but I have had to accept
that it wasn't a stretch: it was beyond my reach.
Usually, when something goes wrong with a project, I can do something to fix
it, or it wasn't something that was so important it actually hurt to abandon.
At the very least, I can usually recover the materials and make something
else instead. I'm a resourceful, reasonably intelligent person who has a lot
of experience with this particular skill.
I think it particularly hurts because I made the mistake not very far from
the finish line, and there is just... nothing I can do. Starting again from
scratch is also not an option due to time constraints.
And, for me, this project would have been an enormous personal achievement:
by far, the most intricate thing I have ever made. I was *so* proud of how it
was turning out. I felt so accomplished. It was a difficult, demanding
project, and I poured every bit of resilience and discipline I could muster
into its design and execution.
And now it's just a testament to hubris.
I don't know if it's normal to experience grief about a creative project that
went wrong. Maybe it's because of how symbolic this project was, on so many
different levels, that's making it hurt so much.
As for the recipient's gift? I have another idea of something else I could
make in place of this project. Something that's much more within my skillset,
that I am not worried about creating at all. Something I know how to fix if
it goes wrong. Something safer - but something that I know I will finish in
time. I haven't talked to them about it yet, but I will be later today. Maybe
once we've talked it through I'll feel a bit better about it.
I think I'm maybe going to take a little while to process this though. I
realise that probably sounds ridiculous. To be honest, I think it does too.
It's just a project, no one has died, and I will go on to make many more
things in the future. Knowing me, I'll find a way to look back on this and
laugh. I'll draw the lessons that need to be drawn, chalk it up to
experience, and carry on making.
