Ok - what might help is identifying sources of expectations. WHO
wants you to have a regular job? Doesn't have to be now. It can
(and usually is) someone from your past. WHO caused you to
believe in life purpose? Was there a movie that inspired you as
a kid? A favorite story? A motivational speaker? Here's what
sucks: Adults lie to kids. Kids go through puberty. They get
legal responsibilities. The lies remain in the bran. Then, the
truths start to bust at the lies. But they're old lies that feel
like truths because trusted authorities gave you these ideas and
you believed them. But... adults lie to kids. Disney lies to
kids. TV lies to kids. Teachers and parents lie to kids. And
those kids grow up and wonder, "what the fuck?" == Very true. I
am not my thoughts. I am not my feelings. They can be observed
and you can watch them pass by. I live by that like, ugh,
forever. It works for overthinkers like me. == There *are*
foundations for existence but sometimes you have to dig really
deep to find them. They're not the shallow structures they try
to pawn off on kids. Maybe it works on the regulars. I think
it's great it works for them. Look how many women want to be a
princess with a perfect wedding? They're happy enough with that.
I say, good for them. They can go on pain killers in the
mid-life later on if they like when they start questioning
stuff. But if you're outside of the Bell Curve, school isn't for
you. "Regular life" is a struggle to try to match up with. This
doesn't make you deficient. You're not deficient. But your base
is deeper, earlier. I started to see the first cracks in reality
when I was 8 yrs old and realized TV ads were lying to me. 5th
grade when I realized the teachers had all the answers because
they read them out of the "teachers textbook". My nephew is in
5th grade and he's going through the same "wow it really is all
bullshit isn't it?" experiences I went through. So, what's the
foundation? Can you be BOTH happy in a career and fulfill your
life purpose simultaneously? Lots of books tell you. Are they
lying to sell books? yes, they are. You can make money and find
BITS of fulfillment in the job but it's more likely that you'll
find your life fulfillment OUTSIDE of whatever makes you enough
cash to do what you want to do. "What Color is your Parachute?"
is a great book to find at a library (yes library) and go
through it. It helps identify transferable skills and such so
that you're not totally miserable - that is, if you're ever
ready to pursue a job and TRY to find at least a little
satisfaction in it. But I don't think it's possible to get a
perfect match of career and life fulfillment without
compromises. Doesn't mean you have to compromise. But you might
have to change how you look at things. For example:
psychologist. One of my possible life directions. Never finished
school. But: I am a psychologist. How? It's what I'm doing.
Right now. Or motivational speaker? I'm not on stage getting
money selling books and making videos. Yet, I am. here I'm doing
it. Change the framing of your existence. You might just be
living your dreams already. == You're welcome grin emoticon I
suspect you, me and AR re like-minded. $ always got in the way
of finishing schooling. [middle school special ed teacher was
one of my callings - it even came up as #1 on a very good career
test I took a while back - damn accurate test]. Yet, I still
pursue it. I help kids and adults online who are "outside the
bell curve" - I look for discussions and situations to have a
few thing to say to try to help and to learn more about myself
and others in the process. It's what I _would_ be doing if I got
paid for it. So, I don't get paid for it. But it's fulfilling
and to me, that's ok, even if the things I do and have done to
make money had little or nothing to do with what gives me a
sense of life satisfaction. == I've written a number of "letters
to my Future Self" through the years. I still do it from time to
time. The most fun was one I made when I was 17. I was crying. I
thought my childhood was dying. [I didn't know that you really
DON'T change as an adult - not at all] I sat on a swingset in
the local playground late at night, in tears. I came home,
decided to set the date to when I turned 42 years old.
Hitchhiker's Guide: 42... it seemed appropriate. I was/am/will
always be such a nerd. Anyway, I wrote it. Sealed it. "Do not
open until January 28, 2014". So, 25 years passed by. When I was
42 years old, after people were finished with the birthday cake
and some token presents, I went into my room and found the
letter. I'd forgotten its contents. In it, I described who I
hoped I'd be at 42 years old. The kind of man I'd become. What
I'd look like. What life would be like. I gave advice to my 42
year old self. It was an awesome bit of Time Travel and when I
considered myself as I was at 42 (I'm 44 now), I had fulfilled
all of my 17 yr old dreams in SOME fashion and in SOME way and I
continue to. I became my own father and had been raising myself
all along. I have yet to write another one to my future self,
but I'm thinking I'll do an end-of-life one at some point. I'm
figuring 84-88 - somewhere around there. Hoping for more, might
get less. Not ready to write it yet but I'm sure I will at some
point. Maybe I'll write some interim ones as well. == I have no
idea if it helps anybody else on a planet of 7 billion+ unique
individuals but I can definitely say it helped me. I'm glad I
was here to make a difference and that neither the dark side of
my 17 year old self nor dark side of my 24 year old self won. ==
You made the right choice writing this message in this
particular forum at this particular time with these particular
people. You plunged ahead with uncertainty but with hope that
just *maybe* someone who is "not you" can see something
different and reflect you back to yourself in some way. I'm
reading the comments: this is the kind of knowledge that you
can't find in a single book. So many perspectives. So many
viewpoints. So many ideas. So many tools. I'm glad you chose to
write it here instead of in a journal somewhere. Our brains are
only so big and can do only so much, especially when we're stuck
within mental mazes, staring at a corner unable to turn around
or move. You went outside of yourself. People are taking time
out of their lives. THIS is amazing. Can't find this in ANY
public space "in real life". But here? Online? It's possible.
The impossible is possible. I think that's why I've been an
advocate for it for so very long. This happenstance is made
possible. Who knows what will come of it - BUT here you are at
this point in time in human history and you made a fantastic use
of this tool. My existing love for what's possible here on the
net vs 'real life' grew again 10x more than it already was. ===
