EMBARASS MYSELF TIME** Don't Read: It's about Romance.*

EMBARASS MYSELF TIME** Don't Read: It's about Romance.* _UGH*
Ok, warned you But I share it for education, in case someone is
in a breakup to show how dumb it looks when you're on the 'other
side'. "You're the only one for me" type love can make you
stupid, desperate and to those that have the strength for it,
congrats.* Really. - congrats. The following is a letter I wrote
to a girlfriend after she broke up with me when I was 20 years
old, after an online relationship that lasted a few years.* It's
drippy, sappy, and desperate.* Totally embarrassing, "Not Me"
and it reads like something out of a really bad movie plot.* But
I really wrote it.* I really sent it.* And... it really got me
nowhere because the relationship was over and I was too wrapped
up to see it. I really hope nobody reads it.* But maybe someone
out there needs to see it, to compare to themselves and their
own love-sick shtuff. If you don't need it, don't read it.*
Warned you.* I'm blushing at the thought of pasting it here but
here we go.* [1]#yolo and all that shit. May 8, 1992 @ 12:30am
Dear XXXXX, Sometimes it's easy to forget how much you love
someone.* I have a sick feeling that I was forgetting, until
tonight reminded me.* All I seem to do at times is complain,
complain, complain.* About XXXX, about my money problems, about
XXXXX, and about you.* It's easy to get caught up in one's own
stupid, petty little problems until you suddenly realize that
there is something out there that's 1000% more important. XXXX,
you are the most important thing in my life.* I laid down
tonight, dead tired for no particular reason.* I then starting
crying. Not the 1-tear type cry either.* A regular stream of
tears.* [.....] I pictured in my mind how happy I'm going to be
when I'm by your side.* Even now as I think about it, it hurts.
I think I wrote a note to you in that package of postcards
regarding XXXX and XXXX and all that.* Ignore it.* It's just the
ramblings of a fool who just doesn't think before he types. I
wish I was a poet.* I'm sitting here in front of the computer,
crying the eyes out of my head, sick with the emptiness.* I'm a
level away from expunging everything inside of me.* My hair is
standing on end, my stomach is turning, and I'm searching...
searching for a way to get the f___ out of this depression.*
It's a mini-depression, and I know that, once I distract myself
with food, a shower, or a book, I'll be able to go to sleep
without too much worry.* But, until then, I'm gonna feel this
way. I have a major problem that I beg of you to help me work
through.* It's the fear of growing up and leaving behind my
past.* I need to make a clean break from a crappy childhood and
a shittier teenage life.* I need to find a social life - a group
of people that I can turn to for comfort.* I'm a loner who
usually doesn't need people much.* However, once in a while, I
realize that I really DO need people, and that I've been
blocking that need off with all of my might. Maybe I'm not
making sense.* But I think you understand.* In the constant rush
rush rush forward, I need to stop for a moment and take a step
back.* Unfortunately, when I turn around and look backwards
towards my past, I look at a majority of things that just didn't
work. I look at happy things that I know that I can NEVER go
back to.* Sad things that will always be that way.* Forever is a
dirty word, in many cases, and this is one of them. I don't
really want to go back, but the urge pops up once in a while,
and not always in the most pleasant form.* This is one of those
times.* I'm desperate to call you, XXXXX, but I can't, and it's
driving me batty. There's only one solution to this problem.* I
must be with you.* It's simple.* I need you, XXXXXX.* Just the
[.....]* is enough to make me content enough to move on.* I
don't know how I'm managing to survive without you.* I guess I
can move on because I can look forward to the day that we'll be
together. At times like these, though, it's not enough.* I need
the REAL you, XXXXXX.* There's no such thing as a substitute at
times like these. [.....]* I need YOU, XXXXX!* My eyes are
closed right now as I'm typing, and the image of you is making
me cry.* Amazing how tears feel from beneath closed lids. I
actually lay up there in bed starting to pray to God.* It's at
times like these (and there aren't many in my life) that God
seems to be the only thing that's near, and even God's not
nearly enough.* I'm glad for God, though.* While I'm not sure if
s/he exists, it's at least a tiny comfort to think that MAYBE
something's out there listening.* I may be go back into a
church.* If nothing else, I may just start talking to my
minister.* If they can find a place for God in my life, and if
the meager belief that there is a God is there, then it will
help me. I need you, XXXXXX.* I haven't felt this poorly since
you [.....].* Actually, it's worse, because I don't even have
the [.......].* :'( :' ''' '-''( Oh - what I would do to hear a
"Hey Ken?" coming from behind me, in that angelic voice of
yours!!!* I think I'd sincerely FAINT!* (and I've NEVER fainted
before!) Some things in life are worth waiting for.* You are
worth dying for. Love, your lovesick [.....], ****************
DID YOU THROW UP YET?* So freakin' sappy.* So, here you go.*
Just let it be known if you find yourself going through breakup
trouble, you just might find yourself ... doing... something...
like... .... that.* Ugh. By the way, notice what I did up
there.* TOTALLY put all the blame on her.** "shitty
childhood/crappy teenage/even God might not be enough to stop
the pain... but YOU ARE...? Ugh. 20 year old me.* meh.* I was
smarter when I was younger and smarter when I was older, but I
was really stupid at 20. :P

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