I felt my oldest at 17, 20, and 24. At 17, I sat on a swingset
late at night in a public park when no one was around and cried.
It was the end of my childhood I thought. Coming soon. Came
home, wrote a letter to my future self dated to when I turned
42. At 20, I walked around going, "I'm not an adult. I'm not a
teenager. What AM I? At 24, I sat at the beach while some
friends went late night swimming. I ran the grains of sand
through my fingers. Had a big nihlist moment. I wrote about it
later on when I got back home to my computer. It was 1996 and I
said to my online group, "I can see myself in 20 years, lonely
and suicidal. I need to find a purpose." So, now it's 2016. 20
years later. I'm not lonely and suicidal. In 2014, I was 42, I
opened up the letter from my 17 year old self on my birthday. I
became the man I wished I'd become, just in different ways than
my 17 year old self was assuming, but I matched all of my dreams
and I'm continuing to. Best thing that helped me (and I can't
say it'd help everybody, just me) was when I realized that I was
comparing myself to how I was at younger ages. When I was 17, I
was an "old 11 year old". That's what I cried over. When I was
24 comparing myself to "me at 14/15". Too old to be a teenager
anymore. Once I realized, "I am the age I am and that's good no
matter what it is" and stopped comparing myself to my past me's
and the long gone social situations that don't exist anymore
(school, old friends, old habitss, etc), it was freedom. I'm 44
years old now. Every day is the best of my life because I'm
always at the peak of it. I've attained a height never possible
in my entire personal history. I'm 100% complete at every stage
and every age. There is no comparison between them. So, there
you go. I can't say this applies to everybody because I've only
ever been me and only ever experienced "life as me". But I share
anyway.
