I'm 44 years old. I used to get what my mother called
"inconsolable" at times. Very smart little nerd, seems like I
was similar to your son. She took me to biofeedback lessons. I
learned things like, "breathing through my feet", controlling a
computer's noises to go up and down with my mind. What I had
(and still have) is anxiety. It's possible I'm also OCD and
possible somewhere on the autistic spectrum (maybe Aspergers? I
don't know) - and definitely some ADD (not the hyperactive kind
but the brain-never-stops-running kind). Anyway, I was about 11
when I went to biofeedback lessons (from a psychologist). Helped
me for life. == I think being OCD and needing to control the
environment made me VERY suited for a program that specifically
emphasized SELF-control - that is, the ENVIRONMENT of my brain
and body. It was a new field to be OCD about and since you're
inside of yourself at every moment of every day, it gives FULL
expression of OCD but it's all internal and I get the
satisfaction of thinking clearly whenever possible
(straightening out the pictures in my mind so to speak) while
allowing the rest of the world around me to be a bit messier. I
become more forgiving of the world around me because I'm busy
working on my own internal "mess" as it were. == I don't think
there's anything wrong with your son. He is normal for him.
Teenagers, unfortunately, especially in high school, tend to
have a need to stereotype everything: put things not so much in
categories of "this is normal" but rather putting things (and
people) into categories of "abnormal". No, I think your 9 yr old
is normal for him. That's very important. He is not deficient.
But he can use coping skills that he can handle himself with so
that he becomes more outwardly socially acceptable. I know
because I've been acquiring coping skills my whole life. I
always find new ways to handle people. I've learned an absurdist
point of view about the world. I've learned when I need to go
into a dark room or quiet room for a few minutes where its quiet
so I can regain a sense of self. I almost became a psychologist,
although I ended up working with computers in some capacity most
of my life so far, likely because a computer was the first thing
I had real mastery of: after all, here I was, controlling a
computer with my mind. [making the computer noises go up and
down]. People mastery takes longer for some people. I have long
lists of mental rules about people, personalities, what to do,
what not to do and I can only handle a few people at a time in
social settings. But it hasn't hindered me. == You've actually
helped me here as I don't usually talk so personally about this
stuff. I might just see what it takes to go into biofeedback
training as a profession. I knew firsthand how it helped me and
I want to help others gain the same sense of self-mastery.
Childhood was a very long and painful road for me but I had a
little internal "oasis" I could take with me wherever I went.
Just a few breathes away. Breath in for 6 seconds, breath out
for 6 seconds, from head to toe, down to my feet and back up
again. I was also grateful my mother gave me latitude to be
myself. She'd roll her eyes sometimes at my strange habits or
interests but generally, as long as I wasn't in an anxious state
acting out, she let me be. I hope all works well for you. I've
never been on the parent side, just the child side, so I don't
know exactly what you're going through. You guys have my heart
emoticon now. == Oh! One of the HUGEST helps for me was getting
out of the public school and going to a TINY private school in
the 9th grade. HUGE huge huge difference for me. This was up in
NJ. I had 12 ppl in my class - it was just that small. == Thanks
smile emoticon Yeah - Martial Arts helps as well - it's similar
to biofeedback in that you learn self-discipline and
self-control. Has the added benefit of being physical. I only
did a little as a kid but I enjoyed it, and for a lifetime have
had an interest in some of the Eastern things, learning
meditation techniques and stuff. Whatever tools I can add to my
mental toolchest for self-control that works, I use. == I'm
really starting to think I need to switch gears and pursue this
as a profession. Somebody out there should be "doing it right"
and with a lifetime of BEING someone who is likely
adhd/autistic/ocd/manic - I have *no idea* what the
classification would be (they just called it "anxiety" - this
was back in the 80s) - I think I could be a help to others going
through this. Mid-life change. Might be worth it. Parents + kids
shouldn't have it this hard. == School systems aren't designed
for people who fall outside of the bell curve. I always fell
outside of the bell curve. Being "too smart" or too fast
thinking or whatever is as much of a social handicap as is being
"too slow". The system we put kids through is broken and always
was broken. But what to do? That's the thing. Can't fix school.
Can't fix people being judgmental. Can't remove mean girls from
society (both the girl and boy mean girls). So I can imagine
it's especially difficult for parents to decide. == I've never
been on any medication, outside of some Lorazapam in my 20s for
a year. But I can't objectively say "what's better" or "what's
worse" honestly. I just have the med-free experience - and it's
a lot of inner work. It's likely there's some medication out
there somewhere that would relieve the need to use these coping
skills. So, just because I consider my life successful without
medication does not mean that it's not right for someone
else.... or even that it might not have been right for me all of
this time. I just subjective POV. Consider my stories "Case
Study" rather than "Role Model" tongue emoticon == Me at 11,
same time as biofeedback training. Played soccer, but never
understood "teams". Even now, I don't really understand things
like politics, sports, things where people group together en
masse and think alike. I always thought different. I assume
EVERYBODY thinks uniquely, even when they seem to think alike.
Also had speech therapy for a stutter and a lisp in the 3rd
grade. 4th grade, everybody thought I was from England but I
learned to think for a moment before I spoke and and
e-nun-cia-ted everything-g. Helped control some of the anxiety
as well. <-- more info for a case study. (consider: YOU are your
child's primary physician. You are his doctor and all decisions
have to go through you. All the doctors and people you talk to
work for you, and you make the final call. You are the ultimate
teacher, the guidance counsellor above the guidance counsellors,
the psychiatrist above the psychiatrists. You approve and
disapprove. You hear the opinions, weigh them out, and decide
when the diagnosis of your junior physicians is correct. == So,
this is why I'm providing the doctor (you) with as detailed a
case study for comparison as I can. You may have a single
patient, but this single patient is VERY important indeed
because he's yours. == [whew I wrote 1250 words on the topic to
provide a case study (not including these). This is probably
part of an add "hyperfocus" or whatever they call it - but it's
an issue that's important to me I know you'll do well. like
emoticon and heart emoticon - I'm actually VERY quiet and rarely
talk in real life but on a computer, I'm 110 wpm and my thoughts
can fly out full speed. Having a speech mechanism that doesn't
work as well as most people's is likely why I was drawn to
writing and programming, piano playing and such through my life.
Anyway, thanks for listening and I hope I was able to help a
little] == [I was supposed to go into theoretical physics in
college in 1990 but the professor I wanted was on sabbatical so
I took some child psychology classes instead. Ran of out of
money, never finished but I've been successful in other
ventures. Brain never stops running and I'm aware of my
emotional states right as they're happening, and it's a beast
but self-control is very satisfying, however one gets it] ok -
there's my final PS tongue emoticon (I write too much sometimes
grin emoticon ) == That's interesting: (the "case study of
myself" is up above) - I don't think these diagnosis existed
when I was young but I definitely have "overactive" nerves. It's
like being aware of every single nerve of my body all of the
time, so a lot of time is spend mentally ignoring its excessive
input. I was also born 1/2 deaf and 1/2 blind (premie). Some
have said I have synesthesia but I dunno - I think everybody has
bits of it. Perfect pitch. Not a fan of sudden noises. Beng 1/2
deaf (more than 1/2 actually but no hearing aids - I refused
them as a kid and still do) means I have to listen more closely
to people. They think I'm a good listener and I am, because I
have to be. But most people don't know I spend a lot of that
time reading lips, body movements and other cues for
communication. Regarding dolphin/equestrian therapy - Always had
a fondness for cats. Any cat. I seem to 'get' animals. So, had
Dolphin therapy been available in New Jersey would I be
different today? I don't really know. I think it might have.
Fascinating how things have progressed; there's so many options
I can imagine a parent finding the best route to be almost an
impossible task. I agree about the labeling. I accept very few
for myself - I always considered labels the realm of meangirls
and teachers and hated being called gifted or being fawned over
excessively. I learned to focus on the teacher when it public
school to block out everybody else, and when I went to private
school the class sizes were small enough that I could socialize
more. [and here I thought I was done talking about myself tongue
emoticon But I'm trying to help give [1]Melanie Columbia as much
data as possible from a unique source that _might_ have some
relatability, might not. Better too much data than not enough,
imo and a case study, while not establishing "norms" at least
gives a detailed model to compare/contrast against. [not "role
model" - I'm no role model - just a model or example] ==
vestibular input! I never thought to investigate that! Oh thank
you for that. I just take being a premie with the hearing thing
for granted but never considered it causation for much. You gave
me a new avenue of research for self-understanding - thank you
smile emoticon == It does, but the negatives have their
positives as well. [cliche but truth]. Up down down up,
sideways. It's a pain. Absurdism can be helpful. Ponder your own
ridiculousness and the seriousness of the ridiculousness as
well. Might help, might not but it' helped get me through some
shit times. But everybody has different coping mechanisms and I
have a whole mental toolset that I've gathered over the year
from AS MANY sources as I can and I'm still gathering tools.
==
References
Visible links
1.
https://www.facebook.com/melaniec0891?hc_location=ufi
