the idea that one is "conscious" is at least a little bit related to the idea that you are _reflective_, correct? you do not constantly react to incoming stimulus, you can take a moment, decide, plan ahead, take initiative...
this is something that always scared me about being really busy: i become reactive, i am not capable of sitting down and planning anymore because there are too many things in too many contexts that require processing through cognitive modes: rearrange this, reformat that, connect the cords between people.
when i was in university i was not actually capable of taking a full load of courses — in first year it was evident that my anxiety just couldn't handle that many things, and i took a reduced course load the rest of my career _explicitly_ so that i could take my time and think. but even though i've managed to treat my anxiety disorder to the point it doesn't seem present unless i'm _really_ overburdened, i still have managed to get into situations where i just take on too much.
okay, okay, everyone has to do a lot. but what about the way ongoing behaviours _shape_ you, create feedback loops you have to unwind and recreate in new directions? what happens if you burden yourself so much, for so long, that you can't unwind it all the way back and recoup the reflective self?
i feel like all the time the world is wearing us away, deadening the people inside of us through the suffering and stimulus, unless we are very, very careful, and very, very disciplined — and even that discipline killed the souls of others when they made it a stoic journey...
