The Big Uranium Strike
by Nat Hiken
episode from The Phil Silvers Show "You'll Never Get Rich"
The scene is the want ad office of The Roseville Gazette. It is the one
and only newspaper in Roseville, Kansas, Home of Fort Baxter, United
States Army Post, Ernest Bilko, Colonel Hall, et al. In the office
Sergeant Bilko has been trying, unsuccessfully, to get the newspaper to
give his forthcoming Hollywood Dance some publicity. As we look in,
Sergeant Bilko is face to face with the girl Friday, person secretary and
advertising manager of the Gazette. These offices are all held by that
tall, angular, horsefaced Miss Vasey.
MISS VASEY: I'm sorry, Sergeant Bilko, Mr. Bender, the editor, said
absolutedly no more free publicity for those dances you promote.
BILKO: I'm shocked Miss Vasey. Utterly shocked, that such a worthwhile
cause as the pathetic little dances I run for the morale of the American
soldiers, your boys, must go unpublicized.
MISS VASEY: Mr. Bender says you get enough free publicity after the dances
with the complaints of the suckers who went.
BILKO (his hand on his heart): That hurt, Miss Vasey. Very well. I'll take
out an ad. What are the rates?
MISS VASEY: Two hundred dollars a page. It comes to a dollar thirty five
for an inch.
BILKO: Good. Take this ad. "Fun! Fun! Fun!" "Eighth Annual Hollywood
Dance. Come one, come all." "Dance with your favorite movie stars.
Saturday night at the Fort Baxter recreation hall. All these stars will be
there --Marilyn Monroe, Ava Gardner, Lana Turner, Susan Hayward, Gina
Lollobrigida-- if they can make it." There. That oughta bring them in.
MISS VASEY: How much space do you want?
BILKO: One inch.
MISS VASEY: One inch? You can't get all this in one inch.
BILKO (He peers over her shoulder at the ad on the typewriter): Can't huh?
You're right. Take out the last line, "If they can make it." (she
scratches out these last words) Now, I'd like a nice border.
MISS VASEY: Sergeant Bilko, promising those movie stars. We can't run a
misleading advertisement.
BILKO (Shocked at this aspersion): Misleading? Miss Vasey, I wrote to
every star that's listed, inviting them and what's more I received answers
from every single one of them.
MISS VASEY: What did they say?
BILKO: That's gonna be the high spot of the dance, when I open the
letters.
MISS VASEY: (Shocked) : Really, Sergeant Bilko--
BILKO: Very well. I'll try to cut the list down to one inch. He sits down
in a corner with the ad and becomes completely absorbed in editing his
masterpiece)
The door is suddenly thrown open and the editor of the Gazette, Mr.
Bender, a short, stubby man in his fifties rushes in. He is followed
closely by an elderly couple who are apparently farm-folk and Mr. Hoff.
Mr. Hoff is a small wizened old man wearing whip cords, boots and
checkered shirt. He is the epitome of the modern day prospector with the
technical background of an Einstein. Mr. Bender is obviously in a state of
great excitement and intent on a private discussion. Miss Vasey tries to
tell him that Bilko is present but Bender in his haste dismisses the girl
immediately.
BENDER (Leading the Harrises and Mr. Hoff in) : This way please. In here.
MISS VASEY: Mr. Bender--
BENDER: Outside Miss Vasey. And lock the door. (He practically pushes her
out the door)
HOFF (Good naturedly) : Mr. Bender if you think you can keep the fact that
we found uranium on Mr. and Mrs. Harris' farm a secret you've got another
thing coming.
BENDER: Look Mr. Hoff, this is a scoop. If we can keep it quiet until my
paper comes out Monday morning.
HOFF: Okay.
Bilko has heard the words uranium and discovery. Now slowly rises as if in
a trance and comes up behind the excited foursome. Bender has gotten a
flash camera out of his desk.
BENDER: Wonderful. Wonderful. Now can I have a picture of the presentation
of the check? (He begins focusing on the scene of a check being passed
from Hoff to the Harrises with Bilko now right in the center of the group
pose staring at the check in a daze) Now everybody happy. It's ten
thousand dollars. Let's have big smiles. (Bilko looks up and smiles with
the other three) That's it. (Bender looks through the view finder. Lowers
the camera and then looks again) Oh no! Bilko! Of all the people to know
about a thing like this.
BILKO (Regaining his composure) : Mr. Bender I assure you I didn't hear a
thing.
BENDER: Good!
BILKO (Taking a map from Mr. Hoff that he has been carrying under his arm)
: Did you discover it here? (Hoff nods) Is that the Harris farm that
adjoins Fort Baxter?
HOFF (Over the map) : Yes. We get indications of uranium right here and
over here too. These indications come right in the middle of Fort Baxter,
twenty five hundred acres, but who can get on it?
BILKO (Taking Mr. Hoff aside) : Mr. Hoff may I have a word with you?
BENDER: Watch yourself Mr. Hoff, I know Bilko, he'll have your geiger
counter before you leave. (Hoff laughs as Bender escorts the Harrises out
of the office)
BILKO (With his arm around Mr. Hoff's shoulder) : Mr. Hoff, I took a
liking to you the minute I saw you.
Later that evening in Bilko's room. Henshaw is tacking a blanket over the
window.
BILKO (Supervising the blackout measures uncovers the geiger counter that
he somehow finagled from Mr. Hoff) : Make sure not a peek of light gets
out.
ROCCO: Don't worry.
BILKO: Okay, call in the men. And grab Doberman before he goes off on
guard duty.
HENSHAW (Opening the door and shouting into the barrack) : Quiet. In here
you guys. (The platoon in underwear enters. They are all grumbling)
PAPARELLI: What's going on?
MULLEN: It's mid-night.
BILKO: Quite. Men, it's only fair to tell you that what's about to take
place is purely a volunteer operation. If there are any among you who do
not wish to be millionaires within a week, you may leave the room. (The
men look at each other in amazement) Believe me, there will be no hard
feelings. It won't be held against you.
PALMER: Sarge, what is it?
The platoon buzzes with curiosity.
BILKO: Boys, at last! It's a million dollars apiece.
ZIMMERMAN: It's always a million dollars. Why can't it just be a hundred
thousand so when it falls through we don't lose so much.
BILKO: Men--
In rushes Doberman in full uniform, helmet liner, cartridge belt, and
rifle. He is due to go out on guard duty in a few moments.
DOBERMAN: Sarge, I gotta go on guard duty.
BILKO: This will only take a minute, Doberman. Men, somewhere on Fort
Baxter is one of the country's biggest uranium deposits.
GOMEZ: Uranium?
BILKO: Urnanium.
MULLEN: So what? It's government property.
BILKO: Not after we get it condemned. And buy it up on public sale at a
few cents an acre. I spent all afternoon looking it up.
PALMER: Sarge, are you sure?
BILKO (Whips cover off geiger counter): No, this is just a whim. I went to
the trouble of getting this geiger counter to locate the rocks in your
head.
PAPARELLI: Hey, it's a real geiger counter!
BILKO: Exactly. And before daylight, it's got to cover every square yard
of Fort Baxter until it starts clicking. Once we hear that click, that's
it, we got tax worries!
GANDER: By tomorrow morning?
MULLEN: They're sure gonna get suspicious if they find a guy wandering
over the post in the pitch dark with that thing strapped to him.
PAPARELLI: He's liable to be shot by a guy on guard duty.
BILKO: Not quite. Not if this is strapped to the guy on guard duty.
Doberman.
DOBERMAN: Sarge, why am I always the one?
BILKO: Because you're the heart of this platoon, Doberman. (They start
straping the geiger counter to his rear) And because a geiger counter
strapped to somebody else would look suspicious. It would sag. On you, one
more thing sagging wouldn't be noticed. No offense, Duane. You make up for
it in personality. I want you to cover every square inch. (Bilko unrolls a
map of Fort Baxter on the table and the platoon gathers around him) And
the minute that thing on you starts clicking, put one hand in the air,
stick this bayonet in the ground and say: "I claim this land in the name
of Sergeant Ernest Bilko and the Third Platoon of Company B, mining
Corporation."
DOBERMAN: I claim this land in the name of Sergeant Ernie Bilko--
BILKO (Pushing him out the door) : Go, Christopher Columbus! Find us a new
world. (Looking at his watch) He should be back in two hours.
HENSHAW: Two hours.
BILKO: Relish these two hours, men. It's our final two hours among the
have-nots.
At the commandant's house, Colonel Hall and Mrs. Hall are about to go to
sleep. The Colonel in pajamas is winding a clock. His wife is in bed. The
Colonel looks out the window.
COLONEL: I don't understand it. It's Saturday night, and so quiet. No
lights on in Bilko's barracks. Not a sound.
MRS. HALL (Yawning): John, it's midnight. Two hours after lights out.
COLONEL: I still can't believe those are crickets out there and not the
clicking of Bilko's crap game.
MRS. HALL: John get to bed.
COLONEL: Yes, dear. It's so quiet. Peaceful. What is he up to.
In Bilko's room, Bilko paces up and down, frequently looking at his watch.
BILKO: Four o'clock, Doberman's been gone four hours.
KADOWSKI (Rushes in): Not a sign of him from the windows, out there.
HENSHAW (Peeking out behind the blanket covering the window): Nothing from
here.
BILKO: That Doberman. I knew it. He got lost in the pitch dark.
Dillinghim, Gomez, Paparelli. Get out there and fan out across the area.
Combat scout procedure. When you find him--
BILKO: Bring him in. (Gander and palmer come in supporting Doberman who is
just panting to catch his breath) Doberman! Doberman! Did you find it?
(Doberman just pants, he is exhausted) It was too big for him. Henshaw,
bring out the brandy from the survival kit. Doberman, are you trying to
tell us something? (Doberman nods--affirmatively. Bilko is frantic) Does
it begin with a "U"? Where did you find it? Show me on the map. (He holds
the map up to him) Point it out with your nose. (Doberman just pants.
Henshaw arrives with a brandy bottle. Hands it to Bilko) Here Duane. Take
a swig. (He pours brandy into Doberman's mouth) Do you feel better?
(Doberman nods) Can you talk? (Doberman nods) What did you want to tell
us?
Doberman: My feet hurt.
BILKO: Oh no! Your feet! (Slaps him on the back) Cough up that brandy.
That's the sneakiest way of getting a drink.
ROCCO: Sarge, it's impossible. Covering the whole post.
The others agree.
BILKO: Quite! We've gotta use a system. We gotta face this like a military
operation. Dillingham, take the jeep. And get field equipment from signal
corps. (Dillingham goes) Palmer!
PALMER (Stepping forward) Yeah Sarge.
BILKO: Look Genius, fix up Doberman so we can spot him at all times. The
rest of you--
Back at the Colonel's. The Colonel and Mrs. Hall are fast asleep.
Moonlight streams in through the partly open window. Suddenly we hear the
roar of a jeep. The Colonel leaps out of bed, turns on the light and leans
out the window.
MRS. HALL (Sitting up): What is it John?
COLONEL: It was a jeep without lights.
MRS. HALL: It's probably the Corporal of the Guard.
COLONEL (Uncertainly): I suppose so.
MRS. HALL: John, stop being so edgy.
COLONEL: I'm sorry. It's just that it's so peaceful, so quiet. (He shakes
his head, turns out the light, and gets back into bed. Then after a moment
he sits up and looks ou the window)
What's he up to?
The Colonel knows his Sergeant Bilko, too well.
Back in Bilko's room. Doberman has been rigged up like a human geiger
counter. He has a light bulb fixed on top of his helmet and he has a
walkie talkie strapped to his back. Gander and Kadowski are holding him
up.
BILKO: Palmer, you're a genius.
PALMER: I hooked it up with the activator. The minute that geiger counter
starts clicking, the light will flash.
BILKO: Let me check the equipment. Geiger counter, batteries for the
light, Walkie talkie. Emergency signal light. Okay, Doberman.
The men release him and he sinks to the ground. They pull him back up.
GANDER: He's carrying too much weight.
BILKO: Doberman, we're depending on you. Stiffen! (He stiffens) Good boy.
The men release Doberman tentatively and he staggers a little.
DOBERMAN (Complaining): Sarge, my feet hurt.
BILKO: My feet hurt! He said it again.
DOBERMAN: But Sarge--
BILKO (Mocking): But Sarge. Did Lewis turn to Clark and say let someone
else find the Northwest Passage, my feet hurt? Did Patrick Henry say "Give
me liberty or give me foot powder?" Doberman, there's a place in history
waiting for you. Go out there. Claim your heritage.
DOBERMAN (With renewed vigor): I'll do it Sarge. (He takes one step and
starts to sag. The men lift him up)
BILKO: Point him that way. (They take Doberman to the door. He staggers
out) I want everybody at their observation stations. Have flares ready for
an emergency. (He grabs the walkie talkie and yells into it) Paparelli on
the roof. Keep in contact. Alert all posts.
HENSHAW (With head phones and communication equipment): Attention all
posts. He's left the barracks. All mobile units. Keep eyes peeled for that
light to blink and then swoop down.
BILKO (On the walkie talkie): Bilko to Doberman. Bilko to Doberman.
DOBERMAN'S VOICE: Doberman to Bilko.
BILKO (He checks with map as he talks): I've got you pin pointed on the
map. You should be approaching the rifle pits.
DOBERMAN'S VOICE: I can't see a thing.
BILKO: Never mind. Just keep going, straight until you get to the rifle
pits.
In the Colonel's bedroom, Mrs. Hall and the colonel are asleep. Suddenly
there is a long shriek. The colonel leaps up, turns on light, and peers
out the window.
COLONEL: Nell, did you hear that scream?
MRS. HALL: One of the men having a nightmare. Get to bed.
COLONEL: Yes dear. (He goes back to bed and turns out the light)
In Bilko's room activity is at a fever pitch. Gander, Rocco and Henshaw
stand by as Bilko is directing the project by remote control. He is
furious.
BILKO (On the walkie talkie): What do you mean you can't get out of that
rifle pit. If you fell in, you can get out. Now climb up the steps at the
end. Got it?
DOBERMAN'S VOICE: Check Sarge. There. I'm out.
BILKO: Now start zig zagging. That should put you here. (He checks with
the map) Doberman, can you see the parade grounds?
DOBERMAN'S VOICE: No. Too many trees.
BILKO: Trees? On the parade ground? Oh no! He's lost. Look Doberman, we
gotta pin point you?
DOBERMAN'S VOICE: I'm right here.
BILKO: He's right there. Duane, where is right there?
DOBERMAN'S VOICE: Here.
BILKO: Duane. You still got the rifle?
DOBERMAN'S VOICE: Yeah.
BILKO: Good. Switch the safety off. Is the safety off, Doberman?
DOBERMAN'S VOICE: The safety is off, Sarge.
BILKO: Good. Now take the rifle and carefully aim it at the middle of your
forehead.
GANDER: Sarge, he's our only hope.
BILKO: Doberman, look we're gonna start all over.
DOBERMAN'S VOICE: Should I put the rifle down?
BILKO: What a temptation. If I'd just say the word. Look Duane, watch for
a tiny flicker from an outpost. (Shouts into mike) Calling Kadowski on the
water tower.
KADOWSKI'S VOICE: Come in, Sarge.
BILKO: Kadowski, I want one quick flah of your flashlight.
KADOWSKI'S VOICE: Okay, Sarge.
BILKO (Into the walkie talkie): Did you see that, Doberman?
ROCCO (Looking at the map): If he sees trees he must be here alongside of
Hanson's Creek in the bivouac area.
BILKO: Doberman--we got you spotted.
DOBERMAN'S VOICE: Thanks, Sarge.
BILKO: Hanson's Creek is to the right of you. Now move left ten paces to
the corner of the parade ground.
DOBERMAN'S VOICE: One--two-three--four--(There is a long scream, silence
and then the sound of a splash)
BILKO (Shouting): Duane!
HENSHAW: What is it?
BILKO: I herd a splash.
ROCCO: He fell it
BILKO: Oh no! Doberman, the Australian crawl. One, two, three, kick,
(Grabs the other mike) Attention all outposts. Send ambulance to Hanson's
Creek. Post seven, you're closest. Get ready to send up flares. (He grabs
another phone) All stand-by units. Fish him out of that creek before the
guards find him.
Back in the Colonel's bedroom. He jumps up out of bed as a truck careens
by his window. He leaps to the window but it is gone before he gets there.
He turns away from the window and is about to sit down on the bed when
there is the whoosh and scream of rockets accelerating. He heads right for
the window again when suddenly a flare bursts outside illuminating the
entire room. He falls back covering his eyes as Mrs. Hall sits bolt
upright in her bed.
MRS. HALL: What is it John?
COLONEL (Rushing to the phone at the side of his bed): What did that look
like? A firefly? (On the phone) Get me Lieutenant Anderson! (To the
heavens I knew it was too quiet. (Another flare suddenly goes up and the
Colonel instinctively ducks. He yells into the phone) Anderson, find Bilko
and send him to me at once. (As he hangs up there is anothers flare which
is followed by two more. Mrs. Hall gets excited and the Colonel goes to
her reassuringly Now don't be afraid Nell.
MRS. HALL: I know. Everything will be all right.
COLONEL: It will?
At Bilko's barracks Bilko is still at the mike.
BILKO: Bilko to all outposts. Where is Doberman? Repeat. Find Doberman.
Bilko to mobile units.
Lieutenant Anderson comes in.
HENSHAW: Ten-shun (They all leap to attention)
BILKO: Lieutenant Anderson.
ANDERSON: What's going on here?
BILKO: Lieutenant, sir . . . in pajamas when war has been declared?
ANDERSON: War?
BILKO: Yes. Private Paparelli just heard it on the radio. Looks like a
sneak attack sir.
ANDERSON: That's ridiculous.
BILKO: Thank hevens! A false rumor. Paparelli--that imagination. What a
relief. Okay, everybody back to bed.
ANDERSON: You had better be. The Colonel wants to see you immediately.
BILKO: The Colonel? But this is hardly the hour for a social--
ANDERSON: Immediately!
The corporal of the guard enters.
CORPORAL: Lieutenant Anderson--
ANDERSON: Corporal of the guard?
CORPORAL: We found Private Doberman. He was soaking wet.
ANDERSON: Get him to the Colonel's house.
CORPORAL: Yes sir. (He turns and leaves)
BILKO: Perhaps if I talk to Doberman first--
ANDERSON: You had better get over to the Colonel's house immediately.
BILKO: Yes sir, I'll just shave and--
ANDERSON: Immdeiately
BILKO: Yes sir, immediately. (He rushes out)
The Colonel's living room. The Colonel is pacing up and down in his bath
robe. Mrs. Hall in her bath robe is seated on the couch.
MRS. HALL: The way you always jump to the conclusions about that nice
Sergeant Bilko.
COLONEL: I'll handle this, Nell.
There is a knock on the door, and Bilko enters.
BILKO: Colonel Hall. So nice of you to ask me to drop in.
COLONEL: Nevermind.
BILKO (Buttering) Give me a commanding officer who takes time for these
chats with the enlisted men.
COLONEL: Quiet. Bilko, what's been going on?
BILKO (Here he goes. Notices Mrs. Hall): Oh, I be your pardon, Miss.
Really Colonel. Who is this beautiful young thing? If your wife finds you
..
COLONEL: Bilko. Not now.
MRS. HALL (She just loves it): Sergeant Bilko--
BILKO: Why it's Mrs. Hall. Don't move. The moonlight streaming through
your lovely hair plays tricks on this old soldier' eyes.
BILKO: No wonder the Army can sleep safely at night with commanding
officers who are ever alert to the smallest--
Colonel: Bilko! Lets have it.
BILKO (Penitently): I'm guilty, sir. Guilty of having a conscience.
COLONEL: A conscience? You?
BILKO: Yes sir. Chekcing the records of my platoon I found out we hadn't
done the required night-maneuvers this year. We decided to make up for it
tonight.
COLONEL: Bilko, it's four in the morning--
The phone rings in the ohter room and Mrs. Hall answers it.
MRS. HALL'S VOICE: John, it's Fort Crowley. They saw the flares. They want
to know if you need help.
COLONEL: Fort Crowley? That's fifty miles away.
He runs out to answer the phone and Bilko sneaks toward the door. Before
he can get out, the door opens. It is the corporal of the gurad with
Doberman.
CORPORAL: The Colonel wanted to see him.
BILKO: Yes yes. I'll take care of him. We have ways of dealing with
soldiers who insist on midnight swims.
CORPORAL: I'll wait out here.
Bilko closes the door and grabs Doberman.
DOBERMAN (Complaining): Sarge, my feet!
BILKO: Never mind. I've gotta get you out of here. If the Colonel sees you
in that outfit he'll think a flying saucer landed. Quick! Out the back way
through the kitchen.
Bilko is peering out the front door as Doberman walks across the living
room toward the back door in the kitchen. As he walks by the hot air vent
in the living room floor the Geiger counter commences ticking loudly and
the light fastened to his helmet blinks furiously. As he passes the vent
in the floor Doberman becomes aware of the clicking. He pauses and slowly
turns. Bilko, his mouth open, slowly turns. The two start walking toward
one another as if in a trance.
DOBERMAN (Softly): Sarge--
BILKO (Even more softly): Quiet. Come back this way again.
We found it! (Leaping in the air) We found it!
DOBERMAN: We found it.
BILKO: The furnace vent. The basement. The Uranium is under the basement
floor.
BILKO (Rushing over and clamping a hand over Doberman's mouth) Quiet. Just
say it quietly with me.
THE TWO OF THEM (Whispering): We're rich, we're rich, we're rich.
BILKO: I knew it would happen this way. In the dead of night with a
stalwart comrade at my side. (He grabs Doberman and pushes him toward the
door) Out the back way--wait. We gotta make sure, this is the basement
door. (He opens the door. Doberman goes down a few steps and the clicking
starts immediately) It is. (Doberman turns to him happily) Listen to it,
Doberman. It's playing our song. *He turns off the Geiger counter) Get
back and tell the platooon to start rounding up picks and shovels.
Doberman leaves just as the Colonel reenters the room.
COLONEL: Bilko--
BILKO (Just closing the door behind Doberman): Ah, Colonel Hall. I was
just--
COLONEL: Never mind. What was that noise clicking?
BILKO: Clicking?
COLONEL: Yes
BILKO: Well sir, we've been trying to keep it from you but you might ws
well know. Termites.
COLONEL: Termites?
BILKO: The place is crawling with them. But I can handle this in the
morning. I'll see Captain Shaw. We'll have this plot condemned, sold to
the unsuspecting public. What they don't know won't hurt them, eh? And
then it's a new quarters for you, sir. A ranch house. I'll insist upon it.
Don't stop me. A ranch house. I must get back to my men. (He salutes
smartly and leaves)
COLONEL (Standing alone in his robe, bewildered): Termites in Kansas?
Bilko is standing in Captain Shaw's office. Captain Shaw is in charge of
the entire fort security, maintenance, etc. On the wall behind the
captain's desk is a huge map of the entire fort. The Captain and Bilko are
examining the map.
CAPTAIN SHAW: It's inconceivable. You report termites in area 81?
BILKO: Crawling with them, sir.
CAPTAIN: That section includes the colonel's quarters.
BILKO: Oh no! We must warn the colonel.
CAPTAIN: Now Bilko--
BILKO: I hope it's not too late. There may be nothing left but his
buttons.
CAPTAIN: Bilko, are you insane?
BILKO: We must condemn the area, sir. Unfit for military personnel.
CAPTAIN: Condemn the area? (He laughs)
BILKO: But sir. I've been reading up on this. There was a Camp Harlow that
was evacuated and condemned overnight.
CAPTAIN: Oh that! They discovered it was sinking into quicksand. That was
something else.
BILKO (A new and better plan lights in his eyes): Oh, I see. Quicksand is
something else. Yes sir. I must reassure the Colonel. (He salutes and
leaves)
At the colonel's home, the colonel in his smoking jacket is lounging,
reading a newspaper. Knock on door. Colonel gets up.
COLONEL: Come in. (Bilko enters) What is it, Bilko?
BILKO: Colonel, I just checked with Captain Shaw. I want to assure you
there are not termites in this house.
COLONEL (Laughing): No termites, huh?
BILKO: There couldn't be. Yes sir, there's one thing that termites stay
away from. Quicksand.
COLONEL: Quicksand?
BILKO: Please. Forget what you heard. There are certain things sir that .
. well, I'd better go before this big mouth of mine--(He starts away and
suddenly staggers in the middle of the floor) Whoops!
COLONEL: What is it?
BILDO: Nothing, sir. It's just sagging a little faster than--Forget it,
sir.
COLONEL: Bilko, what is this about quicksand?
BILKO: You didn't hear a thing. Well, I'll be--(He staggers again) Now
it's going the other way. Very interesting. Usually it's just straight
down.
COLONEL: What?
BILKO: Nothing. Nothing, sir. Forget I said quicksand. (He looks around)
Wasn't this once a two story house?
COLONEL: Bilko, are you all right?
BILKO: Please sir, it's you and your beloved wife we're concernced about.
Believe me, there's no danger.
COLONEL: I know.
BILKO: Should anything happen, get to the roof and ring this bell. (He
hands the colonel a cow bell) My men are alerted.
COLONEL: Ring this bell?
BILKO: And please sir, no false heroics. Knowing you, you'll want to go
down with the house. None of that, sir. That's foolish bravery, sir.
COLONEL (Worried): Bilko, you need a rest. After all, last night--
BILKO: Rest in the face of danger? Sir, I have a truck waiting. We can
evacuate you and your wife in ten minutes.
COLONEL: Nonense!
BILKO: If you'll just give us a few hours alone to check the basement.
COLONEL: Stop acting silly. This is Sunday. My bridge night. I don't leave
the house.
BILKO: But sir, in this hour--
COLONEL: I don't leave the house!
BILKO: He don't leave the house. (He leaves)
Over at the P.X. we see Bilko in a telephone booth surrounded by
Zimmerman, Dillingham, Mullen, Gander, Paparelli and Henshaw.
Bilko (At the phone): Camp Crowley. I want to speak to your commanding
officer. (To Henshaw) Have you got the shovels and picks ready?
HENSHAW: But Sarge, we can't dig in the Colonel's basement while he and
his--
BILKO (Reassuring): The colonel and his wife will not be there.
GENERAL'S VOICE: Hello?
BILKO: General Buffkin? This is Sergeant Bilko, at Fort Baxter. Would the
General let Colonel Hall know what time you expect the Colonel and his
wife for dinner tonight?
GENERAL'S VOICE: Dinner? Tonight?
BILKO: Thank you, sir.
Over at General Buffkin's the general is just putting the phone down after
his call from Sergeant Bilko. He is dressed in a sport shirt and slacks
and is holding the newspaper he was readinging when the phone rang. He is
obviously prepared for a leisurely evening at home. He throws down the
paper disgustedly and begins dialing the phone at the same time calling
out to his wife.
GENERAL: Ceil. You didn't tell me you invited Jack and Nellie Hall over
for dinner tonight. (He starts dialing)
MRS. BUFFKIN (Coming in with her hair in curlers; she is a mess): The
Halls for dinner? I don't remember inviting them.
GENERAL: You never rememeber. Now we're stuck with them. He'll do those
barnyard imitiations again. Sometimes I wish--Hello Colonel, this is
General Buffkin.
COLONEL'S VOICE: Why hello, General--
GENERAL: Say Jack, is seven thirty all right?
COLONEL'S VOICE: Seven thirty?
GENERAL: Yes. We'll serve dinner at eight.
At the Colonel's home.
COLONEL: Dinner? (He covers the phone with his hand and whispers to his
wife furiously) Nell, you didn't tell me General Buffkin expected us for
dinner tonight.
MRS. HALL: Dinner?
COLONEL: You know this is my bridge night. He'll insist that I do those
barnyard imitations again.
MRS. HALL: Ceil mentioned our getting together but--
COLONEL: But we're stuck! (To the General on the phone) Seven thirty?
Fine. We;ll be there.
GENERAL'S VOICE: Glad you remembered Jack.
COLONEL: Remembered? We've been looking forward to this for weeks. Full
dress uniform?
GENERAL'S VOICE (Disgustedly): Of course. Dress uniform.
COLONEL HALL (Hanging up forlornly): Dress uniform. (He picks up the phone
and dials Bilko's extension)
At the other end Bilko answers with the entire platoon breathlessly
hovering by.
BILKO: Yes sir, I'll have your staff car waiting. (He hangs up and turns
triumphantly to the platoon) Seven thirty! We start digging at seven
thirty five!
Later that night at the Colonel's house. The Colonel is in full dress.
Mrs. Hall in her dressing room is putting on a second earring.
COLONEL: The one night I play bridge, you have to--
There is a knock on the door. Bilko comes in very snappily.
BILKO: Your staff car is waiting, sir.
COLONEL: Nell!
BILKO: Magnificent, sir. In France your tailor would be knighted.
COLONEL: Never mind.
BILKO: Personally, I think a belt in the back would--(Nell comes in)
MRS. HALL: Ready.
BILKO: Oh no, Mrs. Hall Have pity. Flaunting such beauty.
Colonel: Not now.
BILKO: You're a breath of Paris to these drab plains of Kansas.
MRS. HALL (Giggles): Sergeant Bilko.
COLONEL: Nell, let's go and get this over with. (They start out)
BILKO (Follows them out): What a beautiful couple. And the fuss they make
about Grace Kelly and Her Prince. I'll lock up. Have a nice time.
Remember, right to the General's house, no stopping in lover's lane.(He
waves to them from open door. As the Colonel's car pulls away he blows a
whistle and comes back into the room followed by his platoon with shovels,
picks, etc. Doberman has the geiger counter. Bilko opens the door to the
basement) Down there. In to the basement. And start digging. (He barks
them down to the basement)
It is two hours later and in the Colonel's living room. There are a few
seconds of quiet. Then suddenly hydraulic drills start. A picture falls
down from above the mantelpiece. Bilko comes rushing out of the basement
door to the telephone, Henshaw, Rocco and Gander with him.
BILKO: We're not giving up. We're too close.
ROCCO: Close to what? We're down 6 feet and it's still concrete.
BILKO: All we need is a sample of the earth to show Mr. Hoff. (Into the
phone) Hello, Sergeant Peterson, Construction Corps? Look, we're
desperate. We need some small demolition charges.
ROCCO: Dynamite? Sarge, there's a six foot hole in the Colonel's basement
now, if we start blasting . . .
BILKO: Quiet, the house is practically condemned, isn't it? (Into the
phone) You've got them. Good, I'll send someone right over. (He puts down
the phone)
ROCCO: (Pleading): Sarge, dynamite.
BILKO: Boys, any minute. Pow--and there it is--at our feet.
FLEISHMANN: Uranium!
BILKO: The Riviera!
HENSHAW: A private yacht.
DOBERMAN: Orthopedic shoes!
BILKO: Back to work.
They go back into basement. A few seconds pass by. The door opens. Colonel
Hall and his wife enter.
MRS. HALL You must have left the lights on.
COLONEL (Happy): I'll call Captain Shaw and tell him the bridge game is
on. (The Colonel goes to the phone and dials)
MRS. HALL (i>(Talking and taking the colonel's cape and hat): I think it's
a shame the way the General was suddenly called away to Washington.
COLONEL (Delighted): Yes isn't it?
Mrs. Hall leaves and the Colonel sits down in a large wing chair the back
of which faces the basement door. He picks up the telelphone directory and
leafs through it for the number of Captain Shaw, his bridge partner. Just
then Bilko comes up from the basement. He goes to the front door and peeks
out; seeing that the coast is clear he comes down to the telephone and
picks it up. The Colonel listens to Bilko's telephone converstaiton unseen
by the Sergeant.
BILKO: Sergeant Peterson? Hello? Did Corporal Barbella pick up th-- (Rocco
comes in carrying a box of dynamite) never mind, here he is. (He hangs up
and goes over to Rocco) Did you get it?
ROCCO: Everything.
BILKO: Good. Get down there and get to work.
ROCCO (Shouting): Okay guys, let's go.
In through the door come members of the platoon carrying charges,
dynamite, fuses and lastly one man carrying fire fighting equipment in an
asbestos fire fighting suit. The men all file down into the basement. The
Colonel has been standing and watching all this. Bilko now goes over to
the vent and getting down on his hands and kness he shouts instructions to
the men in the basement.
BILKO: Okay, look alive down there and keep it muffled. (As he yells he
suddenly sees, not more than a foot from his eyes, a pair of shoes. He
looks up and there standing over him is the Colonel. For a moment a cold
chill flashes over him but he is the greatest in the world and he flashes
the Colonel a big smile. The Colonel smiles back)
COLONEL: Well????
BILKO: I know what your're thinking sir.
COLONEL: You do?
You're thinking . . . what did you do to deserve so much love and devotion
from the men under you.
COLONEL: I am.
BILKO: Yes.
MRS. HALL (Enters): John, oh Sergeant Bilko>
BILKO: An apparition of loveliness.
COLONEL: Bilko, start explaining.
MRS. HALL: Explaining what?
Pneumatic drills start and Mrs. Hall flies into the arms of her husband,
screaming.
BILKO: Ignore it, Mrs. Hall. That ws the beating of a heart overcome.
COLONEL: What's going on in my basement?
BILKO: Sir, the gratitude of men under you--
COLONEL: Quite, I want to know what the men under me are doing under me.
BILKO: Is that a sense of humor? Is he one for--
COLONEL: Bilko! What's going on!
BILKO: We wanted to surprise you, sir. Your boys, on their own time, are
taking your unfinished basement and making in into a playroom.
COLONEL (He starts for the door): A play-room. Let me see what's going--
BILKO (He Stands in front of him blocking the way): Please sir, don't do
this to the men. They want to surprise you. Don't take that away from
them!
COLONEL: Bilko, I don't like the idea of the men in my command doing
things like that--building a playroom. The public gets the wrong idea. I
don't like it.
BILKO: You don't like it. Sir, how else can we show our devotion? Are we
rich? Can we give you gifts of silver and gold? All we have to offer is
the honest sweat of our brow and our eager hands. This, we lay at your
feet. A pathetic gift perhaps, but it's all we have, sir. The only way we
can show that your boys love you.
MRS> HALL: John, that's the most beautiful . . . (She starts to sob)
There is an explosion from underneath. The walls shake, an object falls
from mantel, another picture drops. Mrs. Hall flies into her husband's
arms.
COLONEL: Bilko, what was that?
BILKO: Isn't it thrilling. They are installing the ping pong table.
COLONEL: The ping pong table.
BILKO: Yes sir. You see, we had to lower th floor for those overhand
smashes of yours, sir. (He gestures) It wouldn't look good--a commanding
officer with no knuckles.
COLONEL: Bilko, somehting's going on that--
MRS. HALL <(Vigorously): Yes John. Something is going on. Your men are
trying to show their gratitutde with the sweat of their brow and you turn
your back on them.
COLONEL: I know Nell, but--
MRS> HALL: But nothing! You're just stubborn.
BILKO: I'd better run down before they--
COLONEL: Bilko, my wife is right. But let's keep it quiet.
BILKO: By all means.
There is a knock on door.
COLONEL: Come in. (Captain shaw comes in)
CAPTAIN SHAW: So the game is on. (They head for the bridge table)
COLONEL: Yes. Where's your wife?
CAPTAIN SHAW: She went to a movie.
COLONEL: Bilko, I've always wanted to see if those rumors about your card
playing are true. You'll be the fourth.
BILKO: Really. I hardly--
COLONEL: That's an order.
They are all seated and Shaw deals out the cards, Bilko looking around
uneasily.
CAPTAIN SHAW: Your bid, Mrs. Hall?
MRS. HALL: Four spades.
CAPTAIN SHAW (Laughing): Well we're starting right off with a bang. (There
is an explosion from the basement. Cards fly from Captain Shaw's hands)
What was that?
BILKO: What was what, sir? Your bid, Captain.
CAPTAIN SHAW: Wait. That explosion.
BILKO (He studies his cards): Explosion? (There is another explosion)
COLONEL (Laughing): It's no use, Bilko. Captain, Bilko's men are in the
basement. They're fixing it up into a play room.
CAPTAIN SHAW: Oh so that's why Bilko was trying to get you out of the
house. Termites. Quicksand. (They all laugh including Bilko) When he began
talking about condemning this section, I thought he found out about the
radioactivity. What was your bid, Bilko?
BILKO (Looking up): The radio activity?
MRS. HALL: Yes. The overalls.
COLONEL: Your bid, Bilko.
BILKO (Swallowing nervously): Overalls?
CAPTAIN SHAW: Yes. You know--during the war they conducted atomic tests on
this post. They buried all the workers overalls and other clothes that
showed radioactivity under 30 feet of concrete. So you found out, eh,
Bilko?
BILKO: The hard way. They buried all the workers clothes under thirty feet
of concrete.
COLONEL: Gosh, I can hardly wait. When will the ping pong be ready?
BILKO: Oh, no time at all. Level it out. A hole filled here-- a hole
filled here-- (Another explosion is heard) Another hole filled.
COLONEL: They've got me a ping pong table. Those things are expensive.
CAPTAIN SHAW: They run about thirty-five dollars.
BILKO: Thirty-five dollars. Say, I understand this is sometimes played for
money. A half a cent a point? Something like that.
COLONEL: I don't mind losing a few dollars. After all, getting a ping pong
table free . . .
BILKO (The only way out): Yes. It's the way you look at it, Colonel.
What's that expression they use? Oh yes! I double. He deals with a
desperation smile in his eyes as we fade away!)
