1. Never give us work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring
it to us. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
2. If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt us every 10 minutes to
inquire how it's going. That helps. Even better, hover behind us, and advise
us at every keystroke.
3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives us a
chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
4. If our arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don't open the
door for us. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening
doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lose
all use of our limbs.
5. If you give us more than one job to do, don't tell us which is priority. We
am psychic.
6. Do your best to keep us late. We adore this office and really have nowhere
to go or anything to do. We have no life beyond work.
7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could
mean a promotion.
8. If you don't like our work, tell everyone. We like our naus to be popular in
conversations. We was born to be whipped.
9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In
fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing us with useful
information.
10. Never introduce us to the people you're with. We have no right to know
anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them
later, our shrewd deductions will identify them.
11. Be nice to us only when the job I'm doing for you could really change
your life and send you straight to manager's hell.
12. Tell us all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to
know someone is less fortunate. We especially like the story about having to
pay so many taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good
manager.
13. Wait until our yearly review and THEN tell us what our goals SHOULD have
been. Give us a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase.
I'm not here for the money anyway.
