Q. What, exactly, is the Internet?
A. The Internet is a worldwide network of university, government, business,
and private computer systems.
Q. Who runs it?
A. A 13-year-old named Jason.
Q. How can I get on the Internet?
A. The easiest way is to sign up with one of the popular commercial"on-line"
services, such as Prodigy, CompuServe, or America Online, which will give
you their program disks for free. Or, if you just leave your house
unlocked, they'll sneak in some night and install their programs on your
computer when you're sleeping. They really want your business.
Q. What are the benefits of these services?
A. The major benefit is that they all have simple, "user-friendly"
interfaces that enable you-even if you have no previous computer
experience-to provide the on-line services with the information they need
to automatically put monthly charges on your credit card bill forever.
Q. What if I die?
A. They don't care.
Q. Can't I cancel my account?
A. Of course! You can cancel your account at any time.
Q. How?
A. Nobody has ever been able to find out. Some of us have been trying fo
years to cancel our on-line service accounts, but no matter what we do,
the charges keep appearing on our bills. We're thinking of entering the
Federal Witness Protection Program.
Q. What if I have children?
A. You'll want an anesthetic because it really hurts.
Q. No, I mean: What if my children also use my Internet account?
A. You should just sign your house and major internal organs over to the
on-line service right now.
Q. Aside from running up charges, what else can I do once I'm connected to
an on-line service?
A. Millions of things! An incredible array of things! No end of things!
Like what?
A. You can ... ummmm ... er ... uh ... OK! I have one! You can chat.
Q. Chat?
A. Chat.
Q. I can already chat. I chat with my friends.
A. Yes, but on the Internet, which connects millions of people all over the
entire globe, you can chat with total strangers, many of whom are boring
and stupid!
Q. Sounds great! How does it work?
A. Well, first you decide which type of area you wish to chat in. Some areas
are just for general chatting, and some are for specific interest groups,
such as Teens, Poets, Cat Lovers, Religious People, Gays, Gay Teens Who
Read Religious Poetry to Cats, and of course Guys Having Pointless
Arguments About Sports. At any given moment, an area can contain anywhere
from two to dozens of people, who use clever fake names such as "ByteMe2"
so nobody will know their real identities.
Q. What are their real identities?
A. They represent an incredible range of people, people of all ages, in all
kinds of fascinating fields from scientists to singers, from writers to
wranglers, from actors to athletes -- you could be talking to almost
anybody on the Internet!
Q. Really?
A. No. You re almost always talking to losers and hormone-crazed 13-year-old
boys. But they pretend to be writers, wranglers, scientists, singers, etc.
Q. What do people talk about in chat areas?
A. Most chat-area discussions revolve around the fascinating topic of who
is entering and leaving the chat area. A secondary, but equally
fascinating, topic is where everybody lives. Also, for a change of pace,
every now and then the discussion is interrupted by a hormone-crazed
13-year-old boy wishing to talk dirty to women. To give you an idea of
how scintillating the repartee can be, here's a re-creation of a typical
chat area dialogue (do not read this scintillating repartee while
operating heavy machinery):
LilBrisket: Hi everybody
Wazootyman: Hi LilBrisket
Toadster: Hi Bris
Lungftook: Hi B
LilBrisket: What's goin' on?
Toadster: Not much
Lungftook: Pretty quiet
(LONGISH PAUSE)
Wazootyman: Anybody here from Texas?
LilBrisket: No
Toadster: Nope
Lungftook: Sorry
(LONGISH PAUSE)
UvulaBob: Hi everybody
Toadster: Hi UvulaBob
Lungftook: Hi Uvula
LilBrisket: Hi UB
Wazootyman: Hi U
UvulaBob: What's happening?
LilBrisket: Kinda slow
Toadster: Same old same old
Lungflook: Pretty quiet
Jason56243837: LilBrisket, take off your panties
LilBrisket: OK, but I'm a man
(LONGISH PAUSE)
Wazootyman: UvulaBob, are you from Texas?
UvulaBob: No.
(LONGISH PAUSE)
Lungftook: Well, gotta run.
Toadster.- 'bye, Lungflook
LilBrisket: Take 'er easy, Lungster
Wazootyman: See ya around, Lung
UvulaBob: So long, L
(LONGISH PAUSE)
PolypMaster: Hi everybody
LilBrisket: Hey, PolypMaster
Toadster: Yo, Polyp
UvulaBob: Hi, P
PolypMaster: What's going on?
LilBrisket: Not much
Toadster: Pretty quiet
UvulaBob: Kinda slow ...
And so it goes in the chat areas, hour after riveting hour, where the
ideas flow fast and furious, and at any moment you could learn some
fascinating nugget of global-network information, such as whether or not
PolypMaster comes from Texas.
