Many occultists, pagans, new-agers, geeks, physicists and little old men like
to claim that they are weird, at least when faced with blatantly normal
company. But how true is it? After all, there's a lot more to being weird than
just knowing some funky stuff.
To see if you actually capture the unhinged feeling of tentative lunacy that
makes up genuine weirdness, just go through the following quiz question,
keeping score.
The more points you get, the stranger you are.
If you don't understand any of the questions, then you can assume that you
scored a 0 for that question.
The genuinely weird may like to email me their scores, although this is not an
action that will gain you any bonus points. If this is so in your case, I
undertake not to react *too* offensively to such an email...perhaps.
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In the following quiz, select the lettered answer a)-f) that most closely
corresponds with your actual feelings/attitude/life. You may occasionally be
asked to make a choice in advance - do so before reading the answers for
maximum effect. Each answer will score from 0 to 5 points, with a) being 0, f)
being 5, and b)-e) being 1-4 points respectively. This is very intuitively
obvious, if you are able to think about it. You know. c) is 3, yeah? Yeah.
You got it. Trust me.
1. MAKE A CHOICE - Select a number between 1 and 100 NOW!
You chose:
a) 2-4, 6, 9-16, 19-22, 24-41, 43-56, or 58-99
b) 1, 7, 69 or 100
c) 42
d) 23, 5, 17 or 18
e) 8
f) 57
2. I'm going to say "The Illuminatus! Trilogy" to you
a) What is the Illuminatus! Trilogy?
b) Oh, taht old yarn by Wilson, right?
c) I read the Illuminatus once. It was funny.
d) I've read the Illuminatus many, many times. It contains the
secrets of the universe, if you look hard enough.
e) I own a printed & bound copy of the Principia!
f) I sign my name with the letters KNS after it.
3. You're walking down the street, dressed in your favourite clothes...
a) Businessmen look upon you as an equal
b) No one pays much attention. Trendy young people snigger slightly.
c) Little children look slightly nervous at you.
d) Builders and labourers cross the road to avoid passing you.
e) A concerned citizen phones the police, who send in a SWAT team to
take you out. Ha! It does no better than the last three.
f) No one pays much attention, until they try to seduce you. When
they see your underwear, those who survive run away very, very
fast, and do not talk to anyone about sex ever again. You *do* try
to sit down too much, though.
4. What do you think of Cthulhu?
a) Ummm...it's a random string of unintelligeable letters?
b) Monster from Lovecraft's horror fiction.
c) Tentacled monster that sleeps imprisoned in a sunken island in the
South Pacific, waiting to rise again.
d) A fascinating magickal egregore, very useful for dream-based rituals
to Unknown Kadath.
e) Hng! Hng! Ia! Ia Cthulhu f'thagn! F-f-f-father! YOG SOTHOTH!
f) [secretive smile] Who? Didn't you come in here to buy a book,
sonny, not to ask an old man silly questions?
5. How do you derive your regular income?
a) I work in an office. Why?
b) I get a grant.
c) I'm on welfare hand-outs.
d) I deal drugs in Times Square.
e) My father, who died some years ago, left me an inheritance that
produces a modest monthly stipend. It isn't fantastic, but it's
more than enough to keep my work going without 'dipping into the
capital.'
f) Money comes to me as and when I need it. The means varies from
day to day - yester, I found N$3000 (Three Thousand Nigerian
Dollars) hidden inside a cat.
6. Bob?
a) Jim?
b) Oh yeah, what do you call a disabled guy in a swimming pool, haha.
c) Haha! Slack! The Anti-Bob! Kill me! Frop! Hahaha!
d) ... Ha! Watch me go! I'm the cosmic neutron gun! Throw my switch
and watch _me_ blast you into space, baby! I ate the earth for
breakfast, but it tasted like crap so I spewed it back up again!
Nothing can come close to me, because _I_COME_CLOSE_TO_IT!! I...
e) That'll be $5, please
f) No.
7. MAKE A CHOICE! Select a number between 1 and 10 NOW!
You chose:
a) 1, 5, 7, 8, 10
b) 3
c) 2
d) 9
e) 6
f) 4
8. Where, to your mind, do 'Strange Phenomena' start being _strange_?
a) Anything that science can't explain easily.
b) Telepathy. That really weirds me.
c) A rain of live frogs.
d) Crop circles appearing in concrete.
e) Large demonds appearing on live TV and ripping up a politician.
f) From the womb onwards, dude.
9. What is Magick?
a) David Copperfield. (But you spelt it wrong - no 'k', dumb-head)
b) Strange people in silly clothes doing pointless things to chickens.
c) Frazer's Law of Sympathy and Law of Contagion.
d) The art of causing change in conformity with will.
e) All life is Magick.
f) Laughter.
10. Do you possess any psychic powers?
a) Aw, frag off smeghead.
b) No, but I wish I did.
c) Well, I am very intuitive and in touch with my feminine nature.
d) I know who's on the phone before I answer it.
e) Yes, I often get visions which later come true. Bookies hate me.
f) Yeehaw! I've nearly got the full set! All I need now is Full-
contact Psychometry! Say..you wouldn't swap me for 2 Telepathys
and a Clairvoyance would you? I could throw in a Green Fingers...
11. Do you play any Role-Playing Games?
a) Dungeons and Dragons leads to Satanism and suicide. I am *way too
smart for that.
b) Oh by, yes! I only stop playing CarWars to go to the toilet once
a week!
c) Yeah, sure, I've played some role-playing games. They're an
interesting exercise.
d) I read White Wolf(tm) Rulebooks, but I don't actually play.
e) I write role-playing games professionally, as a matter of fact.
f) Play??? Look bud, all my best magick was learnt from RPGs! Don't
believe me? Watch, then, as I fireball your cat!
***WHOOOOOSSSSSSHH*** **WHUMP** *MEEeeoooww.....*
HAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!
12. A typical thing that your parents would say to you is:
a) "Hello, dear, it's your mother. When are you bringing the kids
round to see us again? I hope you're eating properly...I've
been so tired recently."
b) "TURN THAT BLOODY NOISE DOWN!"
c) "Mph. Snrph. Wassup? Uh? It's 2am forgodsake!"
d) told to you only by mediums, 'cos they're no longer alive.
e) "It's who??"
f) Nzrgnbit Zipplikaddah Cherbis Gazrag Earth Minnip Koodah Soon.
Mwahahah!
13. Do you see auras?
a) What are they?
b) No.
c) I tried once or twice, but no luck.
d) After 30 minutes, naked, alone in a dark room...
e) Yes.
f) That depends. I had a real mean aura in here once, it chewed up
half the place, and I had to replace the sofa too. How much is it
offering? Is it house-trained?
14. If you are going to program a computer, what langauge do you use?
a) Oh, I don't program computes. I use Microsoft
b) BASIC
c) Pascal
d) Object-extended C++, with the help of some home-defined libraries
e) I program in binary, actually
f) COBOL
15. Let us suppose that you have a long-lost great-aunt, who dies and leaves
you something in her will. What would it be?
a) Ten million dollars.
b) A nice house, say 30-40K, some furniture.
c) A cat.
d) A crumbling old gothic mansion, miles from anywhere, served by a
single elderly retainer, just as crumbly. As you drive through the
obligatory little village to take possession, all the locals stare
at you with a mixture of fear, hope and pity, but all you can think
of is the wonderful party you're going to have there at the next
full moon with all your sorority sisters from the campus.
e) A mysterious old envelope, containing three sheets that look
suspiciously like an ancient map...
f) A peculiar brass casket, sealed with wax and covered with odd
hieroglyphs and symbols. Despite repeated urgings, you put it in
the attic, unopened, and never touch it again. The matter is never
mentioned again, save for a strange new addition to your will that
your lawyer receives a short time later.
16. What did you last eat?
a) A nice pork chop, with some boiled potato and cabbage.
b) Lentil stew with wok-fried beansprouts and a glass of holistic
carrot extract.
c) A portion of chips.
d) A pizza that was delivered to your door by a jumpy delivery guy.
e) Some wafers made of a mixture of your own blood, your dog's sexual
fluids, burnt parchment and oatmeal bran.
f) Somalia.
17. What work of Alestair Crowley's did you find most illuminating?
a) Who?
b) Oh, well, actually, I never read any of his stuff yet, but I will
real soon.
c) Magick in Theory and in Practice
d) Diary of a Drug Fiend
e) The Book of The Law
f) The Book of Lies
18. What is your normal sexual position?
a) Ohh. Uhh. Um. My. Um. The missionary, I suppose.
b) On top.
c) In train toilets.
d) In the middle.
e) Spread on the altar with a candle up my....
f) Hanging by our feet from a street lamp, with our ears welded
together and a pair of Moroccan baboons for light relief.
19. Do you have any pets?
a) Yes, a dog.
b) No.
c) Yes, a cat.
d) Yes, six Japanese fighting fish, carefully segregated.
e) Weelll, sort of - I breed rabbits, goats and black cockerels. I do
try not to get too attached to them though.
f) Oh yes, *giggle*, yes indeed. He'd like to see my pets, Igor!
Come, come, let me show you. It's much _easier_ that way.
20. Which of the following phrases do you use most often?
a) "Isn't the weather dreadful!"
b) "No, thanks."
c) "A beer, Charlie. Make it a cold one."
d) "Oh, I'm sorry. Was that _your_ child? Please, have her back.
Good day! I beg your...? Screw you too, Madam."
e) "Ateh! Malkuth! Ve Gevurah! Ve Gedulah! Le Olahm!!"
f) "Please come back, little person! I was only playing! Ha! Caught
you! Oh. You're leaking, person! Wake up! Why did you all go
to sleep? No fun! You people are so boring!"
Now, add up your scores...
How did you do?
0: Mmm. You're normal. You're so straight, you even think in lines. In fact
anyone this normal would have never bothered reading this post, so if you're
reading this, you're either curious, stupid, or very, very silly. This level
of person is Dullsville.
1-20: Well, you've heard the call of the strange out there, roaming the plains
of life. You haven't answered, but at least you didn't assume it was
indigestion. This level of score indicates a person who is probably more
normal, to be fair, than someone who got 0. If you only got 1 or 2, be *very*
careful - it's all downhill from there!
21-40: You're fairly odd. Your normal friends describe you as weird, and you
take it as a compliment. You probably wear black, so as to make a point and
slightly worry the people who still remember World War I. You are likely to be
interested in strange things, but you never seem to manage to get to grips with
them.
41-60: Definately a bit on the wild side. You are probably a student of
paranormal matters. People who get to know you are often surprised that you
aren't as straight as they first thought. Your last boy/girlfriend was scared
for 3 weeks after splitting with you, _just_in_case_. You intimidate petty
authority figures, such as interviewers, bus conductors and moral rights
campaigners.
61-80: You are undoubtedly odd. You worry your family, and you no longer have
any normal friends. When you go on holiday, you choose places like
Transylvania, the Sonora desert, McMurdo Sound and the Amazonian rain-forest.
You mutter and mumble to yourself in times of stress, and try not to open your
wardrobe too often, in case something comes through...
81-95: You, my friend, are either several bats short of a belfry, or a
dedicated, trained occultist. If there is a difference. Plants wither in your
presence, children run away yelping, dogs run away yelping, even chickens run
away yelping, for God's sake. You live in a different world than the rest of
the planet, and you like it there. Definately, unashamedly weird.
96-100: You are so bizarre that I'm surprised you managed to read this quiz,
let alone complete it. Talking to you lis rather like trying to carry a basket
of live turkeys up the side of the Empire State Building in a gale - very hard,
extremely dangerous, full of 'gobble-gobble-gobble' noises, and covered in
feathers. The last time you stopped long enough to observe the rest of
humanity, someone slapped a parking fine on you. You wouldn't know a tax
return unless it came up to you and introduced itself to you by clan. Most of
them do.
Less than 0 or more than 100: You are being silly. This post has ended. Give
it up. Go get a life, for God's sake!
