I, Zoomie, swear to sign away 4 years of my useless life to the United State
Air Force because I'm too smart for the Army and because the Marines frighten
me. I swear to sit behind a desk and take credit for the work done by others
more dedicated than me who take their job seriously. I also swear not to do
any form of real exercise, but promise to defend our bike riding test as a
valid form of exercise. I swear to uphold and defend the Constitution of
the United States, even though I believe myself to be above that. I
promise to walk around calling everyone by their first name because I know
I'm not really in the military and I find it amusing to annoy the other
services. I will have a better quality of life than all those around me
and will at all times be sure to make them aware of that fact. After
completion of my <<snicker "Basic Training," I will be a lean, mean,
donut-eating, lazy-boy sitting, civilian-wearing-blue-clothes, chairborne
Ranger. I will believe I am superior to all others and will make an
effort to clean the knife before stabbing the next person in the back with
it. I will do no work unless someone is watching me (and it makes me look
good), will annoy those around me, and will go home early every day. I
consent to never getting promoted (EVER) and understand that all those
whom I made fun of yesterday will probably outrank me tomorrow. So help
me God.
I, Rambo, swear to sign away 4 years of my mediocre life to the United
States Army because I couldn't score high enough on the ASVAB to get into
the Air Force, because I'm not tough enough for the Marines, and the Navy
won't take me because I can't swim. I will wear camouflage every day and
tuck my trousers in my boots because I can't figure out how to use
blousing straps. I promise to wear my uniform 24 hours a day even when I
have a date. I will continue to tell myself that I am a fierce killing
machine because my Drill Sergeant told me I am, despite the fact that the
only action I will ever see is a court-martial for sexual harassment. I
acknowledge the fact that I will make E-8 in my first year of service, and
vow to maintain that it is because I scored perfect on my PT test. After
completion of my sexual...er...I mean Boot Camp, I will attend a
different Army school once every other month and return knowing less than
I did when I left. On my first trip home after Boot Camp, I will walk
around like I am cool and propose to my 9th grade sweetheart. I will make
my wife stay home because if I let her out she might leave me for a
smarter Air Force guy or a better looking Marine. Should she leave me
twelve times, I will continue to take her back. While at work, I will
maintain a look of knowledge while getting absolutely nothing
accomplished. I will arrive at work every day at 1000 hrs because of
morning PT and leave every day at 1300 to report back to the "company." I
understand that I will undergo no training whatsoever that will help me
get a job upon separation, and will end up working in construction with my
friends from high school. I will brag to everyone about the Army giving
me $30,000 for college, but will be unable to use it because I can't pass
a placement exam. So help me God.
I, Top Gun, in lieu of going to prison, swear to sign away 4 years of my
life to the United States Navy because I want to hang out with Marines
without actually having to BE one of them, because I thought the Air Force
was too "corporate," and because I thought, "hey, I like to swim...why
not?" I promise to wear clothing that went out of style in 1976 and to
have my name stenciled on the butt of every pair of pants I own. I
understand that I will be mistaken for the Good Humor man during the
summer, and for Waffen SS during the winter. I will strive to use a
different language than the rest of the English-speaking world. using
worlds like "deck, bulkhead, cover, and head" instead of "floor, wall,
hat, and toilet." I will take great pride in the fact that all Navy
acronyms, rank and ensignia, and everything else for that matter, are
completely different from the other services and make absolutey
no sense whatsoever. I will muster (whatever that is) at 0700 hrs every
morning unless I am buddy-buddy with the Chief, in which case I will show up
around 0930 hours. I vow to hone my coffee cup handling skills to the point
that I can stand up in a kayak being tossed around in a typhoon, and still
not spill a drop. I consent to being promoted and subsequently busted at
least twice per fiscal year. I realize that, once selected for Chief, I
am required to submit myself to the sick, and quite possibly illegal,
whims of my new-found "colleagues." So help me Neptune.
