What's the definition of perfect pitch?
when you throw an oboe in the toilette and it doesn't hit the rim.
How can you tell when a stage is level?
When the drummer drools out of both sides of his mouth.
How can you tell when you're kissing a french horn player?
When she tries to stick her hand up your butt.
How do you make a trombone sound like a french horn?
Put your hand in the bell and play wrong notes.
What is the range of the flute?
How far can you throw?
What's the difference between a violin and a viola?
The viola burns longer.
What's the definition of a string quartet?
One good violinist, one bad violinist, one former violinist, and one who hates
violinists.
How do you know where there's a flute player at the door?
She doesn't have the right key and doesn't know when to come in.
What's the standard trumpeter greeting?
"Hi, I'm better than you."
What do you never tell a percussionist?
That he's a beat off.
How do you tune the saxophone section?
Tune one and shoot the rest.
What's the definition of dissonance?
Two oboes playing the same note.
What's the difference between a trumpeter and a tailor?
The tailor tucks up the frills.....
What's the difference between a saxophone and a lawnmower?
You can tune a lawnmower.
What's the difference between a clarinet and a chainsaw?
Vibrato.
What do you call the entire percussion section buried up to their necks in
sand?
Not enough sand.
What's the difference between a tuba player laying dead in the road and a
skung laying dead in the road?
The skunk has skid marks in front of it.
Q. What's the definition of a nerd?
A. Someone who owns his alto clarinet.
Q. What do you call a bass clarinetist with half a brain?
A. Gifted.
Q. How many alto sax players does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Five, one to handle the bulb and the other four to contemplate how David
Sanborn would have done it.
Q. If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions, an
in-tune tenor sax player, an out of tune tenor sax player, or Santa
Claus?
A. The out of tune tenor sax player. The other two indicate you have been
hallucinating.
Q. How do you make a chain saw sound like a baritone sax?
A. Add vibrato.
Q. What's the definition of a gentleman?
A. Someone who knows how to play the accordion and doesn't.
Q. What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead
accordion player in the road?
A. Skid marks in front of the snake.
Q. What's the difference between a dead accordion player in the road and a
dead country singer in the road?
A. The country singer may have been on the way to a recording session.
Q. What's the range of a tuba?
A. Twenty yards if you have a good arm.
Q. What does a timpanist say when he gets to his gig?
A. "Would you like fries with that, sir?"
Q. How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None. They have machines to do that now.
Q. What did the timpanist get on his I.Q. test?
A. Drool.
Q. How can you tell if a violin is out of tune?
A. The bow is moving.
Q. What do violists use for birth control?
A. Their personalities.
Q. How do you make a violin sound like a viola?
A. Sit in the back and don't play.
Q. How do you know if a viola section is at your front door?
A. No one knows when to come in.
Q. What's the difference between a violist and a dog?
A. The dog knows when to stop scratching.
Q. Why are violins smaller than violas?
A. They are really the same size. Violinists' heads are larger.
Q. What's the difference between a cello and a coffin?
A. The coffin has the corpse inside.
Q. Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
A. So you don't have to retrain the cellists.
Q. Why did the bass player get mad at the timpanist?
A. He turned a peg and wouldn't tell him which one.
Q. How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None. The piano player can do that with his left hand.
Q. What's the difference between a soprano and a Porsche?
A. Most musicians have never seen a Porsche.
Q. How does a soprano change a light bulb?
A. She just holds on and the world revolves around her.
If you took all the tenors in the world and laid them end to end--it would
be a good idea.
Q. If you drop a conductor and a watermelon off a tall building, which will
hit the ground first?
A. Who cares?
Q. What's the difference between a conductor and a sack of fertilizer?
A. The sack.
Musician calls the symphony office to talk to the conductor. Is told he is
dead. Calls back 25 times. Same message from receptionist. Receptionist asks
why he keeps calling. "I just like to hear you say it."
Q. Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
A. To get away from the sound.
Q. How do you get a guitar player to play softer?
A. Give him a sheet of music.
