[(P)] Women And Men Differ In More Than Just Spelling
(with thanks to Steve's Humor Archive)
First of all, a man does not call a relationship a relationship. He
refers to it as "that time when me and Susie were doing it on a semi-
regular basis.
When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to
her girlfriends, and she will write a poem called "All Men Are
Idiots." Then she will get on with her life.
A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the
breakup, at 3:00am on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just
wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you,
and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know that
there's always a chance for us." This is known as the "I Hate You/I
Love You" drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have made at least
once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get
over this need; alas, these classes rarely prove effective.
SEX
Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30-40 seconds of
foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the
foreplay.
MATURITY
Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can
function as adults. Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball
cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high
school romances rarely work out.
HANDWRITING
To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just
chicken- scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot
their "i's" with circles or hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops
in their "p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a
woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley-face at the
end of the note.
BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, toothpaste,
shaving cream, a razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the
Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's
bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these
items.
GROCERIES
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store
and buys these things. A man waits until the only items left in his
'fridge are half a lime and some mold. Then he goes grocery shopping.
He buys everything that looks good. By the time that a man reaches the
checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car
on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going
to the 10- items-or-less lane.
GOING OUT
When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out.
When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be ready
to go out, just as soon as she finds her earring, finishes putting on
her makeup...
CATS
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't
looking, men kick cats.
OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about
dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends
and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is
vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
LOW BLOWS
Let's say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on TV. One of
the boxers is felled by a low blow. The woman says, "Oh, gee. That
must hurt." The man doubles over and actually FEELS the pain.
DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the
garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress
up for: (1) Weddings, and (2) Funerals.
DAVID LETTERMAN
Men think that David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the
Earth. Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who's got a gap in his
front teeth and always has a bad haircut.
LAUNDRY
Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article
of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were "hip"
about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is
finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out,
rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men
always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a
myth.
WEDDINGS
When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony." Men
talk about "the bachelor party."
SOCKS
Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks. Women
wear strange socks. They are cut way below the ankles, have pictures
of clouds on them, and have a big fuzzy ball on the back.
NICKNAMES
If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah, and Michelle get together for lunch, they
will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah, and Michelle. But if
Mike, Dave, Rob, and Jack go out for a brewski, they will
affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut
Brain, and Useless.
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