The Warning Signs Of Insanity
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-Your friends tell you that you have been acting strange lately, and
then you hit them several times with a sledgehammer.
-Everyone you meet appears to have tentacles growing out of places that
you wouldn't expect tentacles to be growing from.
-You start out each morning with a 30-minute jog around the bathroom.
-You write to your mother in Germany every week, even though she sends
you mail from Iowa asking why you never write.
-Every time you see a street sign, you have a tremendous urge to relieve
yourself on it.
-You wear your boxers on your head because you heard it will ward of
evil dandruff spirits.
-You're always having to apologize to your next door neighbor for
setting fire to his lawn decorations.
-Every commercial you hear on the radio reminds you of death.
-People stay away from you whenever they hear you howl.
-Your breath smells more and more like squirrel dung each passing day.
-You laugh out loud during funerals.
-When your doctor tells you to say ah, you yell out "RAPE! RAPE!"
-Nobody listens to you anymore, because they can't understand you
through that scuba mask.
-You begin to stop and consider all of the blades of grass you've
stepped on as a child, and worry that their ancestors are going to one
day seek revenge.
-You have meaningful conversations with your toaster.
-Your father pretends you don't exist, just to play along with your
little illusion.
-You collect dead windowsill flies.
-Everytime the phone rings, you shout, "Hey! An angel just got its wings!"
-You like cats. Especially with mayo.
-You scream "I've got a knife!" to people who try to sell you things.
-You scream "I've got a knife!" to people at your family reunion.
-You cry at the end of every episode of Gilligan's Island, because they
weren't rescued.
-You put tennis balls in the microwave to see if they'll hatch.
-Whenever you listen to the radio, the music sounds backwards.
-You have a predominant fear of fabric softener.
-You wake up each morning and find yourself sitting on your head in the
middle of your front lawn.
-Your dentist asks you why each individual tooth has your name etched on
it, and you tell him it's for security reasons.
-Melba toast excites you.
-When the waiter asks for your order, you ask to go into another room to
tell him, because "the napkins have ears."
-You tend to agree with everything your mother's dead uncle tells you.
-Every time you see the commercial for the Hair Club For Men, you think
to yourself, "I think I'll kill the pope today."
-You call up random people and ask if you can borrow their dog, just for
a few minutes.
-Your main goal in life is to become the president of Bulemia.
-Nearly everything you say involves the word, "P-toing!"
-You argue with yourself about which is better, to be eaten by a koala
or to be loved by an infectious disease.
-You like to sit in cornfields for prolonged periods of time, and
pretend that you're a stalk.
-You think that exploding wouldn't be so bad, once you got used to it.
-You try to make a list of the Warning Signs of Insanity. (cough)
-People offer you help, but you unfortunately interpret this as a
violation of your rights as a boysenberry.
