For your enjoyment, the following question and answers, written by Ellen
Orleans, should act as a guide of what to say when asked about gay and
lesbian issues:
Q: What is the difference between a lesbian and a dyke?
A: About $30,000 per year.
Q: Are lesbians and gays born that way?
A: No, we are conceived that way. Consider it an act of intervention.
Q: How do you become a homosexual?
A: Well, first there's the talent competition, then evening wear, and of
course the all-important swimsuit competition. The truth? Well, first
there's the general aptitude test, then there's the spatial relations
section, then the all important test of eye-hand coordination.
Q: Does just one homosexual experience make you lesbian or gay?
A: Absolutely. In fact, if you've even had so much as a homosexual thought,
you're automatically lesbian or gay. So if you have any homosexual
experiences turn yourself in to your nearest gay or lesbian center and
register immediately. Your gay I.D will be sent to you within 10 working
days. Questions? Call 1-800-IM QUEER.
Q: Is being homosexual natural?
A: Not only that, but for lesbians it's often organic.
Q: If someone tells you that they're gay or lesbian, what should you do?
A: 1. Open your mouth and stand there in wordless horror.
2. After 15 seconds of this, break out in uncontrollable sobs, which should
last at least a half-hour.
3. Mother and father should chase siblings out of the room, then turn on
each other, hurling accusations.
4. Make emergency appointment with psychiatrist, declaring you'll pay for
as many visits as it takes to make your child normal again.
5. After the first meeting with the psychiatrist, vow never to return,
having been told that your child is fine, and you are the ones that need to
adjust.
6. Tossing aside the P-FLAG phone number your child just gave you, promise
to cut off all communication forever.
7. Call two days later pretending it never happened.
8. After a brief waiting period (anywhere from two weeks to twenty years)
dig up the P-FLAG phone number and call it. Find out that your next door
neighbor is president of the local chapter.
9. Attend your first P-FLAG meeting.
10. Discover your true calling in life.
11. Phone your child and tearfully proclaim, "You are my child. I love you
unconditionally, just the way you are!"
12. At Thanksgiving dinner, after three glasses of wine, start telling
stories about great aunt Edna and her "friend" Sonya.
13. Begin nagging your child to find someone special and settle down.
Q: Aren't gay people the result of domineering mothers and passive fathers?
A: No, they are the result of passive mothers and domineering fathers. No,
wait-I think that's hyperactive sister and passive-aggressive brothers. Or
possibly the result of sluggish cousins. What the hell, let's blame it on
the family dog.
Q: Is homosexuality a mental illness?
A: No, but homophobia is.
Q: I am white and I recently met a black woman who told me she was a lesbian.
Are all black people gay?
A: This is a real question. I attended an Unlearning Racism workshop where
an African American lesbian said she'd actually been asked this! No, not
all black people are gay. This question can't help but make one wonder,
however, "Are all while people this stupid?"
Q: What is the homosexual agenda?
A: The homosexual agenda is a figment of the religious right's imagination.
"They're always talking about the homosexual agenda.as if all queers could
agree on anything. We can't even decide what to call ourselves."
Q: Why do lesbians want to look like men?
A: We like to tease straight women.
Q: Can you be seduced into being gay?
A: Is that an offer?
Q: What is the meaning of the rainbow flag?
A: The rainbow flag represents the concept that gay, lesbian, and bi
communities are composed of people from all backgrounds and experiences.
Now if we could all work together as closely as the stripes in the flag,
we'd really get somewhere.
Q: Why do some lesbians, bisexuals, and gay men use the word "queer" to
describe themselves?
A: Because it's a whole lot simpler to say "queer community" than "lesbian,
bisexual, and gay community." Not to mention, "lesbian, bisexual, gay, and
transgendered community." We're activists and we don't have time to mess
around with long, awkward terminology.
Q: What does the Bible say about homosexuality?
A: Love thy neighbor, last time I checked.
Q: But what about Leviticus 18:22?
A: Biblical scholars have really missed the boat with this one. The verse,
which reads, "though shalt not lie with a man as with a woman. It is an
abomination" is not about same gender relations at all. It is actually
about military preparedness.
You see, God knows exactly how men lie with women. They hog the bed,
steal sheets, and snore. Biblical women put up with this.
So, in order to keep the Israelite army strong, with Leviticus 18:22, God
is instructing men to either improve their manners in bed or sleep on the
ground.
How many clergy could derive an anti-gay message out of that simple verse
is beyond me.
-note: If someone should ask you this simply reply "Why do you assume that
I am a Christian? Further, my religious beliefs are not up for
examination."
Q: What kind of sex do lesbians and gay men have? How do two men/women have
sex?
A: Great sex.
Q: What is safer sex?
A: When you live in Boston and your lover lives in San Diego.
Q: If lesbians like to use dildos, why don't they like penises?
A: After sex, dildos go back in the drawer.
Q: Do all lesbians use dildos?
A: No. First of all, in order to be allowed to use a dildo, all lesbians
must pass the official "I will not confuse my dildo with a penis nor will I
secretly fantasize that my female lover is a man" test. Even then, some
refuse to use dildos, often for no other reason than that the name is so
silly.
Q: In a lesbian relationship, who decides who gets to be the man?
A: It's two women. There is no man. That's the point.
Q: I've heard that a disproportionate number of gays and lesbians have
homosexual siblings. Does this mean that homosexuality is genetic?
A: No, it means it's contagious. ....don't drink the gay juice!
