i hit some high intensity wave cycles of, uh...
extended overfixation on irrationally hyperbolic
concerns. i'm starting to turn a corner again, so
i'm back to writing here.
it exhausts me to feel that way.
i spent beautiful time practicing with a Zen Buddhist
sangha some years back. at the time, i aspired to take
Jukai, the taking of lay vows and precepts. obviously i
wasn't ready, or it wasn't right for me. otherwise i would
have maintained commitment to that intention, and followed
through, and would still be practicing in that tradition
now. i experienced painful responses to the sangha leadership's
responses to wordly events, and i questioned my belonging in
that community. then for unrelated reasons, i ended up moving
far away, to an area with no nearby organized (or at least
no publicly facing) Zen sangha.
with the wisdom of distance, i've wondered about my reactions.
probably i was too emotional. i wasn't the only one having
those sorts of thoughts and feelings at the time, and i think
i asked questions with sincere intention.
but...i think there was more of a Middle Way i could have found.
i'm very grateful for what i learned from the teachers and
practitioners there, grateful for the dharma teachings they
offered and the presence they shared. i am very grateful for
the space and place and the opportunity to develop my practice
and to find the healing i found in that environment during a
difficult time in my life.
i did practice with sanghas in other Buddhist traditions as
well, and i studied Yoga philosophy, and i participated in
other spiritual communities.
i'm missing that in my life now. i feel ungrounded, adrift in
terms of my spirituality. i would like to find community again,
but i know that a much-needed first step is to return to my
meditation practice.
