Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking
like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm
is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is
cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean the bartender.
"Jamie O'Connor and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little shit, O'Connor," says Sean, "He
couldn't do that to you; he must have had
something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he
had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended
yourself. Didn't you have something in your
hand?"
"That I did," said Paddy... "Mrs. O'Connor's
breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but
useless in a fight."
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An Irishman who had a little too much to drink
is driving home from the city one night and,
of course, his car is weaving violently all over
the road. A cop pulls him over.
"So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya
been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the
drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had
quite a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight
and folding his arms across his chest, "that a
few intersections back, your wife fell out of
your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a
minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
---------------------------------------------
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual,
when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin'
to tell ya".
"Of course you can come in, you're always
welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda.
There was an accident down at the Guinness
brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell
me."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and
gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it
happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of
Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh, my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true,
Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda, no. In fact, he got out three
times to pee."
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Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his
Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My
husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell
me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that
damn gun...'"
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AND THE BEST FOR LAST
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a
confessional booth, sits down but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his
attention but the drunk continues to sits there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the
wall.
The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin; there's
no paper on this side either
