Hampton Roads, Virginia (in a nutshell)
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For the purposes of this document, we will refer to the area as
"Norfolk", pronounced exactly that way by Northerners who settle here.
Southerners who settle here pronounce it "Nawfalk", sailors pronounce
it "No****" and everyone else calls it Norfick".
The word "Norfolk" actually originated in Southern England, gradually
over time as a combination of the words "North"and "Folk", their way of
referring to their brethren to the north, very much like our own term
"Goddamnyankees."
Norfolk is composed entirely of Roads under Construction. The year-round
seasonal weather allows for year-round construction.
The only way to get into downtown is to move there. Don't worry about
getting out. Those arrangements will be made by your next of kin.
All directions start with "Get on 64.." and include the phrase "Turn at
the 7-Eleven."
Most people navigate the area using Interstate 64 because of oddball
location naming. The immediate problem here is that to access western
portions of the area, you have to travel I-64 East. I-64, the largest
interstate in the state, has two exits that serve Virginia Beach, the
largest city in Virginia. The land mass of the beach area is
approximately 1% of the city's total land area.
The city of Portsmouth is not at the port's mouth - that would be Norfolk.
The city of Chesapeake is named for the Chesapeake Bay, 15 miles away.
Newport News is not a newspaper. The city is, in fact, served by The
Daily Press newspaper, based in Hampton.
South Norfolk is in Chesapeake and "Suffolk", an old English combination
of 'South" and "Folk" is not south of Norfolk, rather west.
Hampton Boulevard is in Norfolk and does not go to Hampton.
Northampton Boulevard is not in the north of Hampton. It is 22 miles
southeast of Hampton, in Virginia Beach.
Chesapeake Boulevard runs parallel to Hampton Boulevard and does not go
to Chesapeake.
Virginia Beach Boulevard starts in Norfolk and only becomes a boulevard
when you reach Virginia Beach.
Portsmouth Boulevard is in Chesapeake. There is no Norfolk Boulevard but
there is a Norfolk Avenue in Virginia Beach. It does not go to Norfolk.
Atlantic Avenue parallels the Atlantic Ocean. Strangely, so does Pacific
Avenue.
Chesapeake Beach, nicknamed "Chick's Beach", is in Virginia Beach. Chicks
do not go there.
Meanwhile, Ocean View Avenue has no view of the ocean unless you use a
high-powered telescope and a crane. Bayview is too far from the Bay to
see it and Riverview has no view of any rivers.
Shore Drive has no shore but runs along beside miles and miles of military
bases.
Military Highway, an apt name for the main thoroughfare of a primarily
military area, will not actually take you to any military bases.
Ironically, Independence Boulevard ends at one.
The Northwest River is actually in the Southeastern part of the area.
Deep Creek contains no deep creeks.
Great Bridge is an affluent area accessed by crossing a tiny drawbridge.
London Bridge Road has no connection to London and has no bridges. It is,
however, falling apart.
The area of Damneck contains no dams. Oceana Boulevard does not come near
the ocean.
Norfolk Naval Shipyard is in Portsmouth. One of the largest Coast Guard
bases on the east coast is in Portsmouth, 21 miles from the coast.
Hilltop, a mildly affluent shopping area, is not on a hill or near a hill.
There are no cars at the Chrysler Museum.
Scope is not a mouthwash- it's a convention center in Norfolk.
Virginia Beach has no downtown. They claim to but it is in fact a shopping
district with five squat brown office buildings.
No one carpools here, allowing the HOV-reversible lanes to be used by
skateboarders during rush hours. All the tollbooths were taken down a few
years ago, creating one less place for traffic accidents to occur.
Everyone in the country lived here once or knew someone who did. You will
be hard pressed to find a native of the area. Everyone here is from
somewhere else, due mostly to the fact that Norfolk contains the largest
naval base in the world. When you curse the drivers here for not being
able to drive, you are cursing the drivers of the whole country.
