I think as a person who has had a drive for creativity their entire life,
adulthood is driving me insane.
I feel a desire every so often to make new things, to keep up with drawing,
writing, and hobbies I left by the wayside, as well as learn new things and
new hobbies and new stuff to be creative with. There are some ways with which
I feel like I do get that outlet, like when I spend several hours programming
something that I'm interested in making, but most of the time I just feel like
I am underacheiving. Despite the fact that I *want* to do something, I somehow
feel powerless to do so, like I just don't have the energy to push the ink out
of the pen that should otherwise flow.
I'm not really sure what to do about this, but I do think as far as writing
goes that writing on things like Gopher helps. One, it's mostly for me, so I
don't necessarily feel a need to make it perfect, but two, it is for an
audience, so I stay in decent practice. Gopher's nice, too, because it's a
quiet place. The web feels far too streamlined and expectant -- like if there
aren't comments and page statistics then nobody's read your content and nobody
cares, and Gemini, while great for some people, just does't feel quite right
for journaling for me. I think Gopher's my sweet spot. Sometimes there are
comments, which I can moderate just by editing a text file, and sometimes
there are e-mails, but there's never the expectation of any of this; they're
just a happy addition to a phlog that's made and otherwise would probably be
forgotten about.
There is something about the 40 hour work week that I think makes being
creative a lot harder, especially when it's not your day job and your
"creativity" at your day job is just linked to either your problem-solving
skills or your exploitable ones. Personally, I don't think most jobs should
require 40 hours a week; it's exhausting to the point that it's demeaning,
whether or not you enjoy it, and often it's an excuse to keep you barely paid
and too tired to do anything else. Of course, there are those out there with
the resolve to work 60 or 80 or 100 hours a week and either don't complain or
simply don't have the energy to, and in some ways I envy them, but the idea to
me is a terrible one when after 40 hours, I am exhausted to the point I barely
feel like sticking poptarts in the toaster oven or watching TikToks on my
phone, much less dedicating myself to a new hobby or finding the energy to
work on an old one -- much less actually sit at my desk and turn out work that
is mentally, spiritually, and/or creatively involved. Even this phlog I'm only
managing to turn out because I woke up early with heartburn after an effective
five day weekend due to me getting sick (not COVID) and also Hurricane Ida.
Now then, I could just be a hippie without a movement (after all, I do only
bother shaving about once a week or two), but I figure my experience is
probably shared by a lot of folks out there, especially the ones who haven't
had ten or twenty or forty years to "get used to it" (probably better said as
"properly assimilate"). That, or maybe I'm just working the wrong job for me,
and whatever I'm doing shouldn't strip me of my dignity and my passion, and
surely there's some mythological job better out there that will pay me enough
to be middle class (i.e. do more than just put food on the table) and give me
the drive to do forty more hours of personal work in my off-time. I'm not sure
that I believe in such a thing, or at least the ready availability of it; I
think perhaps it's the mythology of a dead religion -- or at least a sleeping
one.
--
In other news, I think the antibiotics the doctor prescribed me are causing me
to have small seizures. Since my mental breakdown last March I've gotten to
where my eyes will randomly dart out of focus and I will fall or at least
begin to, but as the months have gone by that's gotten a lot less frequent.
However, since I got sick and went to the doctor last Thursday, it seems like
they've been worse. Now that Ida's passed, I'm going to try and call them
today and ask about it. I've never been diagnosed with epilepsy, and I know I
don't have photosensitive epilepsy, but there apparently is data to support
the fact that certain antibiotics, including the one I am taking, can lower
the floor for seizures to occur in epileptic patients. This is probably the
second time ever I've had a bad reaction to a medication - the first being
urinary issues with the narcotics prescribed after my wisdom tooth surgery 6
years ago - so it's definitely not a fun experience. Oh well -- I'm sure I'll
be better soon. And hopefully can keep dodging COVID.
