Back when I was in high school, I was on the superintendent's student council.
We'd meet around once a month to talk about what we were seeing in the school
and make our suggestions for how to improve things for the students. I remember
Mrs. Packer, the communications director at the time, would start the meeting
having us talk about the "glows and the grows" -- the "glows" being the things
the school was doing well on and the "grows" being the things that it needed to
grow upon. Despite Mrs. Packer's best efforts to keep us on track, we all had a
hard time staying in the glows category and the meetings would always be full
of the grows.
Reflecting back on my college experience, it has been incredibly hard to focus
on the glows.
College was hell for me. I went on so many downward spirals with my mental
health, causing me physical pain and mental distress, making me disappointed in
myself time and time again when I was unable to live up to my own standards.
I landed in therapy time and time again trying to get help, struggling to get
accommodations, and being left frustrated and exhausted at what seemed like
every single turn. So many of the experiences I have been left with have been
nothing short of traumatic.
Still though, I didn't hate college. There were so many good experiences that I
was able to have, so many friends I was able to make, so many things I was able
to learn, and so many places that I was able to grow. I tried to write this
essay once before, but all of the glows - the good parts of my experience -
were minimized and overshadowed by the grows. The essay where I was attempting
to reflect back on the value of my experience just turned into a trauma dump.
I took that attempt, tore it up, and threw it out. It just wasn't what I wanted
to write. I needed to get past the grows and identify what my glows were and
let them shine. I valued my college experience, and despite all the hell I had
to fight through, I wanted to be able to express what made it worth it for me.
While attempting to reflect back, I remembered that I never wanted to go to
college, from elementary school all the way through high school. Time and time
again I'd tell my parents, and they, having never gone to college themselves,
always responded with the same thing: "You have to go to college." Ultimately
Millsaps was the place that I settled on, having heard about it through a
friend and enjoying my visit during my 11th grade year during Open Doors. At
some point between my senior year of highschool and joining Challenge the
summer before my freshman year at Millsaps, I did become excited about going,
but for me college was still a compromise that I never felt informed enough
about or ready enough for before actually being there.
I spent three years, two as a student and one as a TA, doing Polymer Science
in High School, and so when I got to Millsaps initially I intended to major in
Chemistry. After a single semester of it, though, I realized it just wasn't
what I wanted to do, and I moved on, undecided. By the end of my sophomore
year, I had decided that I wanted to do Computer Science and took both of
the classes still offered, but Millsaps got rid of the major in 2011 and
there wasn't a minor option available. Despite my best attempts, launching
two separate campaigns for the program to return and presenting them to the
administration, the program never returned or had any promise of doing so. I
remember the disappointment and frustration I felt on major declaration day. I
went to sign up for an Applied Mathematics major and a Creative Writing minor,
but after some coaxing by my professor, Dr. Pickard, and looking at the credits
I'd accumulated up to that point, I dropped Applied Math altogether and made
Creative Writing my major. Despite the fact that I enjoyed writing, I had never
intended for it to be my major. Leaving it that way frustrated me and I began
to grow a resentment for it. I needed an outlet.
It seemed like the grows just kept piling on top of one another. But, where one
door won't open, another one will. (Alternatively, where one doorknob won't
turn, a door gets kicked down). I don't really remember how it all got started
at this point, but back in the summer of 2017 Dr. Pickard started the Eudora
Welty Digital Lab and asked me to join to try to help start making progress
towards the goal of preserving Eudora Welty's works and making them accessible
to readers in the Digital Age. Finally I had an opportunity there, despite not
being able to major in Computer Science, to build my skills in programming and
work on digital scholarship. From that point on all the way through my senior
year, I helped set the foundation for a website for the Welty Lab and built it
up to a point that we were able to demo it for teachers interested in using
Welty's works in the classroom. In the first semester of my junior year, I was
also able to do a directed study with Dr. Pickard that specifically focused
on literary interpretation in the Digital Age. At the same time, my Computer
Club began growing with new members and received a wealth of donated equipment
that allowed us to do more on campus with technology. While I wasn't getting
my Computer Science major, I at least felt like I was succeeding in working
towards something along the lines of Digital Humanities.
To do more with Computer Science as well as other interests I had, I spent
eight months studying abroad at Akita International University in Japan. My
study abroad was a time that I was able to absolutely thrive. For at least a
short period, I was able to leave behind a lot of the stress and mental debt
I had acquired at Millsaps and focus on other things that interested me --
Japanese language, Japanese culture, and once again, Computer Science. I went
to AIU at just the right time to take some of the very first classes that
they were preparing for their new graduation route, Global Liberal Arts and
Digital Studies. There were two classes I took that I absolutely loved: Robots
and AI in Law and Society with Dr. Andrew Sutter and Critical Issues in the
Digital Age with Dr. Florent Domenach. These allowed me to use the argument
and communication skills I had built during my time at Millsaps and lead
group discussions, push forward projects, and gain a deeper, more thoughtful
understanding of the subject matter. This not only made me feel great value in
my time and education at AIU, but also in my Millsaps education. I felt the
same as I had felt previously in taking Heritage, Ventures, and Connections,
where Millsaps fulfilled its promise in not teaching me what to think, but how
to think. My exploration through liberal arts both at Millsaps and AIU made me
feel like I was being empowered by my education, and it's that same feeling
of empowerment that comes up time and time again in conversations in my daily
life, research I'm pursuing in my free time, and deep, thoughtful questions
I take and ask myself that allow me to truly value the education I had and
liberal arts as a whole. I have always enjoyed exploring new things, new
places, and new ideas, and my education over the past four years has allowed me
to do so.
I remember sitting at Deep South Pops with Dr. Pickard talking about wanting
the Computer Science major and him telling me that my major itself wasn't so
important as my education as a whole - simply pursuing the degree - was, and
I see now where he was right. Despite feeling so held back at times being
unable to fully pursue Computer Science, I was still able to fight to explore
my interests, and I still achieved the empowerment that is so valuable to me
as a part of my education. Where I couldn't find classes, I founded a club.
When I couldn't be settled, I took a trip around the globe (and across the
street). Where depression and mental health fought me, I fought back. And here
I am. Four years after graduating high school, unsure of where I was moving
forward in life or what I was pursuing, four years in to fighting struggle
after struggle to bring out the best in myself, and four years of empowering
myself thanks to the educators and the opportunities I had, I am graduating
Millsaps College with as a Bachelor of Science in Creative Writing with a minor
in English Literature, and I'm only just getting started.
