Being scared of who I am
creates these dark paths
which haven't happened yet.
Because I'm afraid I am
a bad person, I am afraid
that I will do bad things
in the future.
If I look logically at my
life, I see clearly that
I am not a bad person, I've
never been, and will probably
never be. I have a pure heart
and I am aware of my own
and other suffering and
very sensitive to all that.
I've never been able to
trick people for my own
profit. I was a lousy tele-
marketer for that reason.
When I deal with people
I'd rather loose a bit,
and be at peace, than
bargaining and feeling
that I've forced someone
to give more than they wanted.
Since I've worked in tech
my whole life, I've often
been in situation I could
manipulate a customer to
make more money, and I've
never wanted to do that.
The stain of that transaction
wouldn't be worth the
monetary gain.
Yet in the last 15 years of
my life, I was the problem
in everything around me.
I accepted that I was
the problem, and my then
wife, reminded me regularly
that I was the problem.
I feel that during these
15 years, I lost the trust
that I was a good person,
I lost the love that I
had for myself.
When I step into reality
without being scared of
who I am, life gifts me
with an incredible beauty.
I was amazed in the last
few days to realize that,
and this inspires me to
simply repeat that I am
not a bad person and therefor
I won't be creating bad
situation for myself
and others. If I was a bad
person, I would have had
countless experiences
to base that judgment of.
I realize that when I
stop loving myself in a
relationship it's time
to question that relation.
I don't know why or when
I gave up on myself and
made my ex-wife more
important than my own
self-love.
At this point, I don't
even need to cultivate
self-love, simply re-affirming
that I'm a decent human
being is good enough. Once
that bridge is crossed,
I can look into self-love
again.
Why do we give up self-love?
Is it rooted in my judeo-christianity
background of being a sinner?
Accepting you are a sinner
doesn't mean you hate yourself.
On the contrary you have
to love yourself to be
able to accept you are
a sinner but working on it.
I love Mother Theresa words:
"A saint is a sinner that
never gave up"
But I feel I am programmed in
a way that I'd rather take
the blame, I'd rather be the
bad person in a problem. It's
almost easier, more comfortable
to be at the bottom of the love
scale. When I am at the bottom
of what I am and what I like,
there is nowhere deeper, there
is nothing to loose.
I'd rather be the problem,
and accept that, than the
solution, and having the
feeling that now I have
to maintain that status,
not with anyone else than
myself.
I am not sure why there
are so many realization
like that these days, but
it feels good. It feels
like coming back home
after a long moment of
being lost.
