I'm experiencing
how sexuality is
at the core of my
healing and evolution.
Not only the physical
level but also on the
emotional and
energy level.
At the same time I
see how focusing only
on my physical healing,
through food, massage,
rest, although essential,
doesn't get at the core
of what needs to be
healed.
When I experience a deep
emotional and archetypal
release my whole being
feels better. My body
works better, the ailments
I normally feel seems to
diminish.
It seems easy to agree
with the statement that
deep emotional healing
will also heal the body,
but in practice it's hard
to enact. This comes from
the difficulty of healing.
As I wrote previously,
the path of healing is
in the same direction
to the path of addictions
and obsession. The main
difference being how
one acts with what comes
out of this path.
It's hard to explain, but
with the concept of sexuality
there is a potent example
that could be gained.
I'm always struggling with
sexuality. Sometime I do it
too much, think about it much,
and then I run away from it,
and stop completely. This
generally doesn't last too
long and then I go back to
doing it too much. I am
definitely not in the middle
path for that one.
I was abstinent and celibate
for 2 full years in my early
20s. It was a really nice
experiment and I enjoy how
easy life was without having
to think about sexuality.
It's a similar feeling when
you fast for a few days,
you realize how much food
takes a lot of mental energy
and time.
But at the same time, that
full on abstinence took away
some potential from me.
Now I've been abstinent for
10 days, and celibate for
1 year. I've stop pornography
a few months ago. I have
to say that stopping pornography
was really important in my
healing. There is something
really draining about it.
It is very different as it
seems like it pull my energy
into the medias, away from me.
Lately when I browse YouTube
and there is a sexy person
click bait short, I still
feel that pull, that similar
sensation, this draining
feeling that I associate
with pornography. I really
dislike it.
Now what I am experiencing
at the moment, is that
complete celibacy and abstinence
also have a draining element.
To run away completely
from sexuality is not to
heal from it. To completely
heal my sexuality is has
to be existent, I need to
not only accept it, but
to use that potential.
As I mentioned in one of my
latest radio show, I feel
like when you are part of a
group like AA, you use a method
to not drink anymore, and this
is really important. You
accept that you are an alcoholic
and you use your will to not
drink anymore. You are not
healing from being an
alcoholic, but you are
creating a system in which
you can function despite
being an alcoholic.
I'm really not trying to
diminish the importance
of this technique, but
just using it as an example
of what I am going through.
My goal is to heal completely,
not to accept that I have
an illness and I try to
cope with it.
So while being abstinent for
the last 10 days, I felt that
I lost some potential, some
energy. It was welcomed, so
that I could rest a bit. The
constant tension was driving
me mad. But it was driving me.
Could I use that driving
in a different direction?
I practiced some visualization
meditation, and the sensation
were so powerful. For the last
year, my visualization were
okay but not that powerful.
I realized that my sexual
energy, not being depleted,
helped me in these type of
meditation.
My desires for abstinence came
from a recent emotional storm.
It was important to calm my
mind to also temper my
sexuality. It was good at
first, then nature took its
course and impulse kicked back
in. But I wanted to continue
in this abstinence, so I started
to circulate that sexual
energy in my body.
In Taoist meditation, there is
a practice called micro-orbit
meditation. You practice this
by circulating the energy in the
body, from the genitals, down
to the bottom of the spine,
up the back, neck, top of
the head, and then down,
through the eyes, like tears,
down to the heart, belly, and
then you store that energy
in the Tantien, the sea of
chi just bellow the belly button.
You can circulate that energy
a few times around before
you store it.
What it does, it calm down
my sexual excitement, and
makes me focus for a moment
on my overall energy. It
brings presence, calm, and
seems to store or transform
that sexual energy into a
different type of energy.
What I've experienced from
that abstinence is that my
sexual energy can be the fuel
to my healing and evolution.
When I went celibate and abstinent
for 2 years, I felt good, but not
as vibrant. When I waste all my
sexual energy in pornography,
I feel drained, emotional, lonely
and sad. So these two extremes
aren't the path that will bring
about the most in my life.
So to heal with and from
my sexuality, I, once again,
have to walk that fine line
of abstinence, yet accept and
enjoy the moment when I
feel aroused, and use that
potential for my practices.
Cultivating that sexual
potential doesn't mean to
get lost in lust and
fantasy, but it also doesn't
mean to shut myself down
completely. Accepting my
sexual self, listening to
it's vibration, and not
giving into lust as it arise,
is the foundation of
this practice.
It seems really simple
when I write it now, and
intellectually I think I've
understood that idea, but
now I'm living it, and experimenting
with it on another level.
That sexual energy and potential
also seems to be healing on a
few different level. First on
the physical level, as when
I don't drain my sexual potential,
it feels like my body doesn't
have to refill it. That extra
energy from the body can be
used to heal other part
of the body. It also seems
to give me more energy for
my day to day activity.
On an emotional level, by
not living in a world of lust
and fantasy, I can regulate
more my emotional turmoil.
I'm less attached to the
outcomes, and more present
in what is happening now.
I'm more in control of my
reality. I am not in a place
of desire and survival.
When I need sexual gratification,
I'm seeking something that
will make me feel good, not
only physically, but emotionally
too. That gratification also
boots the ego for a moment,
not only from the dopamine
rush, but internally, something
is accomplished. Of course it's
short lived and come back.
This sexual healing bring
about even more awareness.
By being aware of the sexual
tension, as small as they
get, my reality is completely
changed.
I've also realized that
some of the sexual tension
I've experienced a few years
ago were probably what is
explained in what is called
a Kundalini awakening.
I remember clearly a sensation
that I could only describe
like an erection but not
starting in my genitals,
but starting at the base of
my spine. It was a strange
but powerful vibrant energy
feeling that I've only experienced
once.
Energy cultivation has really
changed in the last few days.
From a 'this is a bad waste'
to 'this is a potential power'
if I can ride it properly.
It's also quite calming to
have this focus. It brings
me out of the emotional anxiety
that I've been living for
the last few days. It seems
like, what creates anxiety in
my mind is simply an indicator
that I've made the wrong choice
in my head. I was feeling sad
that this relationship was
over and I was just forcing
myself into not being in that
relationship ever again.
Now that has changed, to
"This relationship never
really existed to start with
but it's bringing you some
life lesson that you should
continue to explore"
So I don't need to choose
to stop anything, but simply
continue to learn and be
grateful and curious about
the lessons and where its
leading me.
