Meditation without reflection is like
gardening without watering.
This is a personal reflection, although
I publish it, it's for me, for my own
sanity and evolution. It will probably
be boring so feel free to pass it, I'll
get back to 'normal' pholing in my next
post.
I spent the last 24 hours completely
alone at my house. Woke up at 12, had
a nap. Checked my email, fix a site.
I watch Venus War, an old anime, I liked
the animation quite a lot, although the
story wasn't great. I had a good swim
then a nap in the hammock. My leg were
swollen a bit from water retention. I
figure that the water retention is really
what is at the foundation of my blood
clothing in my leg, and I need to care
for that as much as a I can, so it doesn't
become a bigger problem, yet again.
I feel a bit weak and tired now. I have
a hard time sitting up. Ready for bed.
There was a big festival in the community,
everyone were there, wife, daugther and
her friend. I feel I don't have much time
to work on my business. Life seems so
busy all the time. I barely can get to
the work that makes money.
I had started to account for all the hours
I spend working so that at the end of
the month I can tally them up and invoice
all my client accordingly. I think I stopped
counting my hours mid July, now I have to
make up some of the invoice, and I always
put less hours that I really work, so my
end of the month invoice will be quite
small.
I want to practice starting a new online
community. I am not sure I'll even be able
to set it up, server side that is, but I
feel that will be a nice practice, we'll
see where it will go. Something minimal
self hosted, irc, http, gopher and some
sort of bbs in ssh. Can I build something
that will be easy enough for the less
technical people to use? I feel it's hard
to build something minimal that can be
access with some less technical people.
I like the SDF anonradio community and
gopher, but I'd like to see if there is
any interest from the more artist /
activist / wiccan / yogi side of reality,
a bit of a pipe dream, but I'll follow the
momentum.
I've been wasting a lot of my energy
lately and I can feel its effect on my
mind now. I would like to gather
more energy and rebuild that storage,
but there will be more energy to be used
this week and in the coming few weeks.
It's not a good time to be low on energy.
Today was good though, lot of time for
myself, lots of sleep, not too much screen
time... apart for movies.
My mother is coming at the end of the week
and that can sometime be challenging. With
our 'adopted' girl, it will be different.
I will also move out of the studio for
the next little while. I'll see how that
will work. There is also a retreat in the
tippi also happening on Wednesday, so I'll
also be moving out of the tippi, which
has been my own retreat place for the last
month.
I want to make a list of everything that
is needed to free up the mind, so it can
become calmer.
- No social network
- No surface web
- Less movies / shows / music
- Less technologies
- Less reminder of everything that needs to be done.
- Less technolgies that invade our life
- Open source so you are in control
- De-googlelized / de-appleize stuff
- Less consumering (buying for entertainment)
- Healthy food away from the process food
- Natural clothing, less chemical
- Pure water, pure air
- Re-use and reduce
- De-clutter
- Dance, move and sweat
- Deal with emotional past problem
- Emotional intelligence practices
- Shadow work...
- Daily work that is not damaging
- Make money in a sane way
- Cultivate positive communities
And this is even before meditating and
doing yoga! I was thinking today maybe
I should just move to a different country.
But is there a country that focus on
well being and personal development?
Moving into the jungle! My daughter
will love that!
My study of Butoh is going well, I really
like what Rhizome Lee had to write about
his own research. He calls it a revolution
in itself, where Butoh can be a way to
connect to the different dimension we
used to connect before the industrial
revolution. Connecting to our ancestors
and our past powers, tough the body
trough movement.
I will be teaching my first class of
the Elemental Yoga Dance this Tuesday
if everything goes accordingly. I'll
see if there is interest, I would like
to continue on that exploration for
a while if the meditation group enjoy
the practice. I'd like to spend 15 to 20
minutes, so that we can have a sitting
meditation after that.
Butoh classes are starting back this
monday. Learning with Juju has been such
a guilty pleasure for some reason. I just
have so much fun, as if, if it's not hard
it might not be worth it?? Not sure what
is being that.
With our 'adopted' (for a month) daughter
I revisit a lot of my shadow self. It's
been quite a positive exploration and a
lot of healing is coming out of it. She
is leaving in a month, and I am not sure
how I feel about it. Her presence trigger
so many thing from my past, it's awesome
to have here, but it also become a major
focus in my day. I didn't realized that
when I accepted to have her here!
But then as far as shadow work is concerned
I don't see that there is so much more
work to be done. I've had a few big
chunk of self hatered and crooked
concept about love falling to the way
side in the last year. I feel it will be
a bit of a rest once that's done.
It will also make the void even wider.
When living trough my 'shit' it keeps
me busy to not look into the void. If there
are no more 'shit' then it's only one
direction. I wonder what it will look like
then. I wonder what my winter will look like.
I haven't seen my wife for almost 50 hours
now even if we live in the same house! She
left early on Friday morning so I didn't
see her in the morning. Last time I saw
her was Thursday evening and I went to bed
earlier, going to be soon, I'll only see
her tomorrow am if she doesn't leave too
early! It's almost like I had a small
reatreat by myself :D But I feel drained.
It's interested to see the similarity
between my wife and our adopted daugther.
She is also broken by parent that
didn't know how to love. My wife has a
hard time expressing her love. I cleaned
up the whole house, how else do you want
me to express my love? I am not sure
what I need, what I want. I want to
be comforted, hugged, massaged. When
I hug my wife, there is a timer, it's
okay for a few second, but after that
she has something else to do.
I am teaching a friend of my daugther to
play the violin. She got in a fight
with her sisters, and left the room crying
I went to see her, ask her if she want to
play a bit of violin. She said yes, I
asked her if she needed a hug as she
was crying, she said yes with her head.
I gave her a hug and she didn't want to
let go. I was suprised I wanted out at
first, but then realized that she wanted
to hold on. I was touched by this need to
be cared for, this hug that was needed.
Maybe I also needed it, I shed some tears
and we played violin together.
I don't know if I need a hug, or I need
someone who needs a hug. Maybe we both
needed a hug at that time. Can I learn
to share that to my wife? I tend to not
care for myself as long as other are
cared for. I can suffer if everyones
is doing well.
This is probably some shadow work that
needs to happen. It's easier to deal
with the shadows which include others in
the deal. Like the fear of others' love
or the desire of others, the fantasy
about others. But the work with the self,
the self love, or the lack of, it's harder
to put in action. How can I heal this
habit of not loving myself? What is the
shadow character behind that? Can I heal
that by being alone? My mother and father
comes to mind when I write about this.
Do I need to heal these archetype in order
to start loving myself? It's also part of
the Elemental Yoga Dance, creating a
relationship between the mind and the
body, how can the mind have emotion
toward our body? What are these emotions
and how can these be changed?
There is so much work (paying job work)
on the table, but I wasn't able to get to
it today! I hope to get my ass in gear
tomorrow and get some shit done. But
I also know that if I need the rest, I
should get the rest as that make the
work so much easier.
If you are still reading, you know
what a mind dump looks like! This is
all stuff that runs in my head all day
but doesn't have much place to go.
Putting it down in writing doesn't
resolve anything but it helps me
not have to think about it so much.
I also see where emotions are triggered
which helps understand where I am going
or where I need to go to untangle
other parts of my life.
I've been told a couple time this week that
my phlog was sad. It made me think a bit
about what I want to share... but then
realized, that's ok, if this trigger
sadness in my reader, an emotions has been
generated, and that's good.
