This is a very simple affirmation.
It's often met with a
"Ya, ya I get it"
but we simply don't, and
most of our life we probably
just can't.
We're in a dream, and until we
wake up, we can't see it's a dream.
With my ex, I was always under
the impression she was sad and
unsatisfied. Not only I would
see and feel it, she would
express it too. In a couple,
you become 2 entity creating
2 colliding reality. There is
always a thug of war between
the 2 camps.
I'm on the camp to strongly
affirm a very pliable reality.
I believe in what I believe now,
but I am always changing this
belief as I go. I "coddiwomple"
I travel in a purposeful manner
toward a vague destination.
This makes it hard for a partner
to accept my reality. I look so
sure of myself, yet I have no idea
where I am going. I find it very
relaxing and comfortable to be
in that in-between. I've had a
few brush with death in my life,
which might be a source of this
way of living. The last time I
almost died, I was peaceful in
my bed, with 2 large pulmonary
embolism. I could have gone back
to sleep and die. These type of
event does affect one's perception
of the future and reality in general.
When this type of reality collide
with a more materialistic reality,
where there are goals, financial
and physical, the coddicompler
is easily demonized. And this
is one of the reason why we
separated. I was the reason
for all the bad thing happening,
and I couldn't ever be the
reason why all the good thing
would happen!
What I am wondering about this
morning, is that I created that
interaction. Now that my wife
is not in the picture anymore,
I hope I won't continue that
blaming myself for everything
that is going wrong...
In that concept that we are all
creating our own reality, there
are also some degree of influence.
I've experienced that myself
many times.
When I am in a situation where
another person has a strong belief
about who or what I am, I would
often enact that belief without
understanding why I did this.
I lived in a yoga ashram for many
years, and I unwillingly played
the archetype role of the son,
the father, the lover, the abuser...
In that ashram there is not a
lot of man, and when in a class
you can feel the different judgment
coming at you from different front.
At first I was blaming myself for
this or that, but then realized
that these actions were not what
I normally do. It's with the feedback
of the participants that I start
to realized that they'd put me
in a box of their own reality.
"Oh yeah my son always says that"
"My ex would always do something
like that"
"Don't worry, abuser don't realize
they're the bad one"
"My father used to do a very
similar thing"
What I understood at that time,
is that I can behave is a certain
way, depending on how people perceive
me. So their view of reality influence
my own reality. I wondered why I
would sway so easily to other's
view of reality, and why I wasn't
the one influencing their reality.
There are many layers of 'creating
your own reality.' One of them is
your own un-resolve trauma. These
trauma ends up being projected to
everything around you. The world
becomes the source of the trauma.
Maybe I am not projecting toward
others strongly enough? Maybe I'm
too much of a coddywompler to affect
others strongly? Or maybe because
I am questioning the fabric of
reality I am push outside the game
of imposing reality of each others?
I understand that this stance is not
attractive to other. Why would you
be with someone with a vague view
of where it is all going? I am not
the strong male archetype that will
take a woman under its wing to protect
and point toward a new brighter future.
I'm the type of destroying any solid
view of reality until you are left
with only yourself to count on leading
you toward happiness.
