I bought a few peyote
microdose at the store
yesterday. Decided to
take them tonight, around
9:45. It's 10 now, and
I can't say that I feel
much at this point.
We'll see by the end
of this text.
Peyote is a small cactus
which contain higher dose
of mescaline than the San
Pedro. I keep seeing a cat
from the corner of my eyes,
so maybe something is
happening.
I like San Pedro a lot,
or Huachuma as we call it.
I've signed up for a Huachuma
sitting after the yoga retreat
for my birthday. I am really
looking forward for it, not
only for the healing aspect
of it, but for the social aspect.
I often went to a huachuma
ceremony while I was in couple.
I would stop myself to go
toward some women as I
felt that maybe I was
attracted to them for
the wrong reason. I
later discovered that
whoever you go toward
in a ceremony, there is
something to be learned.
I'm looking forward to be
roaming freely around the
group without stopping myself
to meet new people. I might
even spend the night over
there, something I've never
done, since I live 30 minutes
drive from there.
I've been quite sober
this week. No cigarettes,
only 2 drinks in town. It
felt pretty good. I only
had 1 coffee this morning
as I was going to work
'in the office' which I
sometime feel the need of
a bit of a boost.
I've fixed the water
pipe today all by myself.
It took 4 hours about,
a lot of digging in the
sand and rock, which is
quite a painful experience.
But I mixed it with jumping
in the lake, with some hammock
naps and some anime watching.
I had to got up and down
from the beach to my home,
which adds always to the
effort of the work. But
this time I fixed the
pipe on the first try.
When I started to live here,
I had no idea how to fix the
pipes. I would try something,
turn the water on, it would
break apart. I would go back
down, try some more. I had
to redo the work a few
time each time the pipes
broke. The first time I
even had to re-dig the hole
because I didn't test the
pipes before covering it
up! Lots of learning, now
I am a pro at water system.
Even when I hire people,
I seem to have learned so
much that I can trouble
shoot (and not always fix)
pretty much all the plumbing
issues in my house. From
the pump in the lake, to the
pressure tank in the basement,
to the septic system out
of the house.
Feels like my life is
pretty boring right now.
As I clean, fix and empty
the house, slowly but
surely. I spend a lot of
my time, when I am not working,
on this home project.
Nothing creative, nothing
exciting, but it has to
be done and it frees up
my mind, my life. Each time
I finish a big task, a
big chunk of my mind gets
liberated.
The water issue had been
bugging me for a few months
now. I was able to reduce
the pressure gauge, so I
still could have water,
but I finally had to clean
up the whole mess of the water
system. It's good now, it's
not going to fail for a
long time.
There isn't too much left
to get my home in the state
I want it to be. I only want
to have the tools and the toys
that I use. Nothing more.
Nothing stored 'just in case.'
Nothing superfluous that sits
there and wait until you get
rid of it. If I miss something,
it's a better feeling than
ignoring everything. I feel
like everything I own has a
memory address in my mind and
the less I own, the better my
brain is. Until you get to a
place of not owning enough
for your own survival,
which I know can affect
the brain negatively.
(feeling of scarcity)
This massive clean up
is also a way for me to
close my relationship
with my ex. All the stuff
that we've accumulated as
now being given away, or
put at the dump. I am
emotional through a lot
of the process, which
is nice. It's a sweet
goodbye to what was,
and mostly what could
have been.
'What could have been'
makes me even more sad.
I throw away all these
stuff we started, but
never finished. All these
project, business, adventure,
half done, in the process
of becoming something.
These 'next moves' that
we almost took, in which
there is still some
potential. Getting rid
of all of that is healing.
I'm glad I can take the
time to do it now. I'm not
forced to do it, like if
I had to move or something.
But the goal is to get
to a place where if I
needed to move, I could
easily pack my things
and go.
All my music instruments
have cases and boxes to
store and carry them. I have
my cell phone, ebook, camera,
laptop ready to go. For my
main computer, I should find
a bag for it. It's a small
square tower, they even had
a bag for it in the past.
At one point I wanted to
transition toward using my
laptop for all my work, and
have my main tower booted
up only on demand. I should
get back to that workflow,
to become even more 'portable.'
Cleaning up the house
makes me think about things
like that. What are the next
step to get really light and
fluid. Could I go work in
south America? I am planing
to join a retreat in October
down in Mexico. It will be a
nice exploration of that
lightness.
10:25, the effect of the
peyote is not really perceptible.
Maybe a bit of warmth?
I was thinking about micro dosing
lsd tonight. But after 4 hours
at the 'office' and 4 hours
digging holes in the beach,
I felt like I should just
watch some cartoon and
waste the rest of my day.
It's kind of silly how
I still associate 'wasting
my time' with a reward
system. But it felt good
somewhat.
I haven't written about
relationship, although
it was partly why I started
to write. Doing this
super clean-up make me
realize why I am not
interested to be in a
relationship. I am just
not ready. This realization
calms my mind. Clean the
house, get your cash
situation in order,
and then you can spend
time on the emotional
roller coaster of
relationship... If
you want, or do something
more creative.
Creativity, or relationship,
both seems to be halted
because of the stuff I
needed to do, but that I
didn't want to do. Now that
I am doing what I need to
do (which is to clean up
and fix up the house) I
wonder if my creativity
will come back up. I
haven't drawn, or made
much music in the last
few months. I barely play
my fiddle, and thank God
I still write a bit.
I've even taken a few weeks
off my radio show. I didn't
feel inspired to share
anything more than 'my
life is boring and it
will be for a few more
weeks, until I get my
duck in a row.'
Even my writing has taken
quite a flat turn, really
more like journaling with
too much depth or inspiration.
Maybe this peyote will
kick in during my sleep?
Looking forward to answer
the 5 questions for July!
