January has been somewhat of a vacation for me.
I get into this mode where I can't really work.
I am not sure if it's a bit of a burn out, or
just a time needed to relax. I get in front of
the computer and wander around aimlessly.
It's fine I have a bit of cash on the side, but
it can't go on for too long. For the last couple
days I've been back at it, and next week I feel
I can change gear and make up for most of the month,
and end up with somewhat of a decent month end.
I don't have the luxury of a job that would pay
me the same if I'm not productive or if I'm
really productive. My end of month is determined
by my overall productivity during the month.
Some month I can barely pay rent and food, and
some months I make it up for 3 or 4 months of work.
Having a bit of a financial cushion (a couple
months of what I need) makes this wave a lot
more comfortable. All my bills are paid up now,
(I don't have a mortgage or lease anything)
so I am quite a way out of the red.
Karate
I've started to go in town for Sunday karate
practice with a different school of karate. It's
in a similar style (Shotokan) but some elements
are quite different. It's nice though to be taught
in a different way. I also have the chance to go
mediate to the Shambala center right before. There
is a 3 hours open meditation, and they have a
beautiful space there.
Autumn
I've met a young woman, Autumn, who said she was
interested in meditation. I tried to download
the most important part of what I could tell
her in a matter of few minutes before class.
I find these early moments of discovering meditation
so important for the evolution. I sometime wished
someone would have taken me on earlier in my
process to help me understand. I told her about the
3 jewel in Buddhism, talking about how the sanga
is a important aspect earlier in the development.
I told her about meditation on Sunday at the
Shambala center. I wanted to connect more, but
I didn't want to look creepy or over reaching.
I like to think that if her path is to cross mine
I'll see her again and again. At the same time
I feel responsible to offer support to people
who wants to step on the path...
Fullness
My week feels full, with Karate 3 or 4 times a week,
my new role as a director of a play, work when I get
to it, meditation circle, a couple yoga classes,
my 2 radio show, and sometime the fiddling on the
weekend. I still try to optimize my day to create
a bit more. I'd love to write more and make more
music.
Forgiveness
I've written 3000 words for a blog for the yoga school
near here (The Ashram). My first article was fun to
write but it was, in their perspective, too much about
teaching and not so much about the experience.
I've wrote another piece and that was too personal
for their taste. I finally realized that the subject
I was given for the article, forgiveness, is not
an emotion that I cultivate or practice.
Wether I forgive really too easily, or maybe I'm just
delusional about my emotional health. I don't seems
to hold grudges toward people or cultivate negative
emotions during an extended period of time. Which
I think is foundational to forgiveness, you got
to have some latent anger / issue toward someone
to finally forgive them. I don't have that.
Mental pattern
I am not sure if I'm somewhat a bit broken. It
relate to my non-addictive state. I don't
get addicted to substance or person or habits.
It's not like I don't get addicted, but I end up
being tired of my addiction and give them up
after a certain moment. It's like anger, I can't
keep up the anger, it just fade away from me.
Sometime I wish I could stay angry at people
but eventually it just goes away in a matter of
a few days, a couple week max.
So I don't forgive since I don't hold grudges...
But that is dubious at the least, and I feel
pretentious to state that I don't hold grudges.
But after 45 years, I'm starting to think that
this is part of my personality.
I'll probably end up not writing for that blog, or
I might need to write about another subject.
I wonder how other people feels about forgiveness.
