What I am learning now
is how to enjoy the
presence of the other
person without expecting
more from that person.
What I've done in
the past is that
I experience the
other person, but
then I build, in my
mind, what that other
person could be.
The ego I create
for myself, I project
it on others.
The difference between
the projection and
the reality creates
tension and often
suffering.
I have an experience,
and from that experience
I extrapolate what
that experience might
mean. I then attach
a meaning to the action.
I fantasize about
what that event
might mean, and
create a probable
future for that
person. When I
meet the person
again, I hope that
the future I created
will be enacted and
if not I am unsatisfied
of the interaction.
Of course there is
a process of learning
to know someone. During
that time there is
expectations, imagination,
hurt and exploration.
But I feel I put too
much faith in what
I think is going on,
instead of just
observing what is
actually happening
and how I like it or
not. Too many time I've
interpreted an interaction
tweaking what really happened.
It requires me to stay
in the moment, aware,
and acknowledge what
is really happening
instead of creating
a story, favorable
or unfavorable, about
that person. I often
want to like someone
therefore what that
person does is justified
because I want to like them.
Or, on the opposite, if I
don't like someone I'll
create an unfavorable
story.
I've been doing that
with my latest relationship.
Wanting to like or to
be liked, with very little
feedback or acknowledgement.
I would take any small signals
and amplify that so it would
make sense within a story
that I would tell myself.
Avoiding the obvious
events so that I could
go along my own delusion.
It made me realize that
I might have been doing
that with my ex-wife over
the course of many years.
Blind to my own self,
wanting a story to be.
Meanwhile I was suffering,
and the relation was
really toxic.
I want to move forward
and simply listen to
what is. Does this feel
good, yes, well then
I can continue to
cultivate this. Am I
creating a story around
that feel good sensation?
Well then I'm probably
forcing a certain
story over what is
really happening.
I might encounter people
that are unclear in their
behaviour, sending signals
that I might misinterpret.
Which is fine to a certain
extent. If someone act in
a certain way one day, it
doesn't mean that they will
always act that way in the
future. I cannot expect a
action to be something to
rely on forever.
The question also become
how to discover what I want,
and to express it.
I feel like I've mostly
relied on external input
to guide me toward change.
I.e. someone is attracted
to me, therefore I make a
move toward them. I am
unsure if I've ever simply
lead forward with my own
desires.
I'm very surprised to
see so much learning is coming
from what I am living now.
I seem to be stuck in a
weird scenario, but if
I change my perspective
it's actually exactly what
I need right now.
Life is really a teacher
if I can learn to listen.
I feel aimless some days
but then I realize that I
have I need to learn an evolve
as long as I am ready
to listen without much
