These are not my sufferings,
I realized while driving
coming back from a deep
meditation and chanting.
These are not my sufferings.
They are hers and I accepted
them, but in the process I
forgot. I forgot it was not
about me.
The sufferings became
mine. I became the victim.
I felt I was creating
the suffering, why would
I make myself suffer?
Is it her actions that
create the suffering?
No, it's the churning
of self emotional
harming that I do
to myself in the moment.
When I open up to someone,
when I accept someone else
suffering, I take some of
their load on my back. I
provide them with a moment
of rest. I cannot help but
do that. But tonight I
realize, I can do that
and at the same time
remember, these are
not my sufferings. I
can see them, I can
feel them, but I don't
need to weaponize them
against me. I don't need
to internalize and victimize
myself. I don't need to
turn that suffering back
to the person who release
them to me.
Last week, she had a cold,
and she wondered if she should
simply leave so that I don't
get sick. I told her no,
I'd rather get sick while
she stay here, my system
will take it in, and create
healing for that virus.
Maybe that healing will
also help her.
I see now that this can
also be applied to emotional
virus. As long as I keep in
mind, these are not my
sufferings, these are hers,
and I can take them in,
and heal from them.
Will that make her heal?
Probably not, but it might
releive her for a moment.
Will it make me heal? I
am not sure, but it will
show me how to take care
of myself when I feel the
suffering of others.
We all have baggage and
a different amount of suffering
we carry with us. When getting
closer to someone, some of
these suffering spill on each
others. If we take these
suffering to be ours, we
invigorate the heavy energy.
We think it's ours, feel bad
about ourselves, and at
worst time, we blame the
other for our suffering,
which amplify the suffering
even more.
This lesson feel really
important right now. It
feels like I've taken
others' suffering in
all of my relationships,
and at one point, I
internalized the other
person's suffering to
be mine. I felt like
I should leave that person
because of that self
suffering. Not that I
understood it was their
suffering, but I just felt
not well and I blame
myself for it.
Now should I stay in a
relationship that I am
receiving someone's
suffering? I think there
will always be that type
of emotional transaction
of suffering, and learning
to discern what is mine
and what is not mine is
a very powerful skill
to have. I think it's
central to learning
to love myself, and
love the other.
No this suffering is not
mine, but it's hers. At
this moment, I accept to
live and feel that suffering,
but not to turn it against me
or turn it against the
other. Simply dissolve it,
sense it, and have a compassionate
feeling toward where it's coming
from.
Most of the time I felt that
suffering, it wasn't directed
at me. It was self created by
the other, and was directed
to themselves. I was simply
open to the other, open to
receive everything that they
are, and therefor sensing
into their suffering.
I can hide away and never
get close to anyone to avoid
feeling that suffering. But
what fun would that be? Being
alone and peaceful for what
reason? I think running away
from feeling others emotional
baggage might lead nowhere.
I understand that someone
else suffering might be too
big to 'process' and one
might not be able to stay
with that person. But by
dissociating with the
other person's suffering,
one can truly experience
the other.
Also the suffering that sticks
to my mind, points toward some
of the samskaras that needs
attention. Turning the poison
into teachings. As long as I
don't get overwhelm with the
other's suffering, there is
a lot of learning that can
be gained from that.
I feel really lighter tonight
after realizing this. But I
also want to be cautious to
not take on too much from
the other. Experiment, stay
clear, and have an appropriate
reaction when the suffering
become to intense. Take a break,
re-asses, reflect.
I think smudging and other
cleansing method are probably
very useful for that type of
work too. In the last few
weeks I've been wondering
about healing and teaching
and what is the best way
to help myself and others
toward liberation. Personal
interaction are really
what matters. It seems like
there are no teaching setup
that matches the power of
personal interactions.
May all my actions and
interactions be the
inspiration for liberation.
