I burnt my foot while
fixing the woodstove
while it was running.
A piece came out and
landed on my naked foot.
It made me cry, not
so much from the pain
of the burnt, but from
life giving me these
lessons that I have
a hard time understanding.
I'm tired of suffering.
I'm tired of my demons.
I'm tired of not knowing
where I am going.
I don't understand
but I know I'm going
in the wrong direction.
I decided that night
that my plans for
traveling were all
wrong.
I wanted to rush my
passport renewal, so
that I could leave right
after my mom would get
here. I didn't want to
face her with my own
concerns.
She told me that she
was coming to live
with me for a month
or two. That freaked
me out, but I was afraid
to talk to her about it.
So instead of facing her,
I wanted to leave early
for my travel.
Everything was getting
compounded in this very
stressful next few weeks.
I would need to drive
to Calgary to get my
passport in 24 hours,
but that would mean I
needed to stay for 2 nights.
I have a friend there who
could host me, so I was
planing to leave on Sunday,
get there in the evening
so I can go to the Canada
Passport offices first
thing in the morning.
Calgary is 7 hours away,
so that meant a lot of
traveling and energy
in a short time. Plus
I've never driven in
the city, plus there is
a cold snap happening
right now, -30c planned
for the weekend.
But that was the only
time I could do it. I
have a few meetings on
Monday that I can move,
but that would mean that
I would be late on some
project that are already
behind.
This created a lot
of stress for me. All
not to face my mother.
So after burning myself
on my already swollen foot,
I decided that this was
all too much. I'll go
renew my passport the
normal way (20 days),
and most importantly,
I'll call my mother to
talk about my feelings.
I was in a relationship
for 15 years with my now
ex-wife. During that time
we decided that I was the
bad actor in the couple,
and that all the problems
were my fault. I accepted
that role for some reason,
and my ex-wife just followed,
as it was also in her card
to blame her father for a
lot of bad thing that happened
in her life.
I realize that now, and
see how I have this tendency
to put myself down, for the
greater good. It's hard not
to observe a link between
my relationship with my
ex-wife and my relationship
with my mother. If I can't
face my mother, I would
probably do the same with
a partner.
My logical reflection was
that I'd rather suffer,
for the sake of the other's
well being. I'd rather not
say anything, so my mother
doesn't feel rejected. I'd
rather take the blame, than
put the blame on someone else.
It took me about 10 days
to reflect about how I would
approach the situation with
my mother. My lack of self
love is directly related
to my parents lack of self
love. So talking about anything
that could resemble rejection
is always a difficult subject.
I could also say that I don't
want her to come here. She
would be sad and angry, but
then I would avoid the discussion
all together. My sister is doing
just that, she is not talking
to our mom anymore. She'd rather
not speak to her, than to
heal that self love issue.
I decided to step into
the fire, to change my
plan, to change my way.
After dealing with my
passport, buying some grocery,
hanging out with my daughters
and her friends over lunch, I
drove back to the ferry,
even if I was 3 hours early.
I went to walk on the beach,
trying to find a place protected
from the wind. There was nowhere
that was comfortable. I still
texted her, hiding under the
wharf.
"Do you have a moment
to talk?"
I was nervous, I tried
to remember all my points
that I played in my head
in the last few days.
Should I have taken notes
about it?
It took a bit of time for
her to call. By then I found
a bench to sit on. I opened
the subject and she was already
on the defensive.
"You don't want me to
come to your place?"
I tried to keep my cool,
explaining that it's difficult
for me to express, or even
just question her. I tried
to talk only about how I feel.
It wasn't really about her
coming to live with me, but
it was the fact that she didn't
ask about it, she only told
me that she would do that.
I expressed that I lack
self love, and that my
broken relationship was
a clear sign that I need
to put myself first. I need
to listen to my emotions and
express them. I need to say
something when it doesn't
feel right. It might be harsh
at first, but it needs to
come out.
She was open to listen
to me. Her defensive stance
changed a bit. She realized
that this was a big move for
her and she had a hard time
considering others during
this transition.
She wondered about my
relationship with my ex,
and how she might have passed
some bad habits. We talked
about her mom, and how she
clearly said to my mom
that she couldn't offer love,
but she could offer money.
We talked about my dad, who
got beat up so much by his
dad, that he almost died
a few times.
If my parents don't know
about self love, how can
I learn about it. It was
a really nice talk. It
was an important transition
for me, a new me that can
express and change.
We talked for a hour
and a half. Then the
ferry arrived. My legs
were hurting and I walked
around the ferry. I met
with some friends, and
had a sweet and warm time
with another friend which
completely changed my mood
and made me really happy
and loving.
I couldn't help to think
life was offering me a
sweet time after the difficult
decision I made, everything
felt quite different.
