I want to want something else.
I am not satisfied with multimedia,
movies, games, listening to music.
But I'm still craving for something to
grab my attention, anything.
I know the answer is to sit.
Tonight it's easier to get me there.
The altar is clean. It's cold outside
so there were no cedar bug today.
Ganesha preside, with a Siva linga
behind him, and Avalokitesvara, I think,
with four arms and beautiful mudras.
The layout of deity on my altar is squeezed a bit.
I want to draw circles to help
with this placements. I saw many drafting
compasses today on religious images
and old illustration. Someone was
trying to make a point that the compass
is a powerful mystical tool. It made
me want to have a nice compass.
The altar is made of local old growth
cedar. A huge block of wood, that I designed
myself. Dawing ink lines on it would
add a lot to the design. In worst case
I could also sand it back.
I wrap myself in my prayer shawl, light incense.
I look around, I look at myself.
The reflection is quite dark tonight.
As I am using my window for the
practice, I don't see all the details
of my face. I can only see one eye.
I get bored. It takes a while for the incense
stick to burn. My mala is next to my altar.
It's my Ganesha mala. I only use
one mantra per mala.
Om Sri Maha Ganapataye Namaha
My first sanskrit mantra. I've chanted this
mantra for 25 years now.
I pull my mala in my shawl. Start rolling
the beads with one hand. I start chanting
quietly. I do trataka, but unsure where to
stare. If I open my eye the right way, there
is just enough light to see my pupil.
I stare at myself.
I can only see one eye.
The distortion of reality comes
really quickly tonight. My eye start
to turn. My reflection blink. It feel
so real. A wave of shiver move trough
my whole body and then settle.
I become hyper-aware and I can
feel that energy troughout my body.
I like this sensation. It's like
being afraid, but sustaining the
sensations.
I continue chanting, continue
the trataka. My face is distorting
taking different shape. The reflection
of my eyes move by themselve, and even blink
when I don't. My excitment is high,
I know something will scare me soon.
It makes me smile as I know something is
coming.
Crack! The lamp over my head make a loud
noise and I scream! It makes me laugh
as I knew it would happens.
The meditation is a bit less intense now.
I complete 3 malas while the sensation
slowly fades away. I ask my reflection
to come see me in my dream tonite.
I sit for a bit longer, as the
incense hasn't burnt out completely.
I put my mala on my altar, and re-arange
Ganesha and the Siva lingam.
Buddha as a lock of hair over
his crown, in it a little hole.
I try to stick the incense in there.
I know that Ganesha didn't like to be
used as an incense holder, but maybe
Buddha wouldn't mind.
It doesn't really fit and the
incense stick is too small to
manipulate. I give up and finalize
my altar placement.
That felt really good, and I jumped
right back on my computer to write
about it. There is something about
writing my experience...
