Dreams have come back
to me quite a lot with
multiple instance of
lucidity. It feels really
good.
I draw, write, play music,
practice tattooing, it
seems like I'm stepping
into a new season of my
life. It all feel very
positive. Even my poop
are good again!
Last week, I worked with
a friend of mine, did a
family constellation.
A technique by which
you revisit your ancestors
and you give back what
you don't need anymore.
This friend is also a
medium, so her connection
to the ancestors is really
solid. Do I believe in
medium? I've never really
took the time to ask myself
that. I think most of them
are faking it. But this
friend is so gentle and
simple about it that I
trust her.
That session re-enforced
that feeling of what is
mine and what is not mine.
A lot of my emotions aren't
mine really, and when I feel
them coming to me, I can now
discern and release what
is not mine.
My logical mind then ask:
"Well what if these emotions
were yours?"
If these emotions are mine,
and I release them, and they
don't come back, then what
good were they? If these
emotions only trigger anxiety,
might as well say these
emotions aren't mine to
start with.
Then a song comes to mind:
I have nothing to offer Thee
for all things are Thine
I grieve not that I cannot give
for nothing is mine nothing is mine
Here I lay at Thy feet, O Lord,
My life, my limbs, my thoughts
and my speech
For they are Thine
for they are Thine
I always like that song, it's
very non-dualistic in it's
Christian way. If everything
is consciousness, what is mine,
what is not mine. What are my
emotions and other emotions.
Why would I take everything
so personal, when it's all
a current, coming in from
all directions. Ancestor,
partner, friend, other people,
all create waves around me,
why would I blame myself only
about all of these sensations.
It has been a strange year,
where I would get to a place
of 'void' and behind that void
was discomfort and anxiety.
Now that void is filled with
potentiality.
I realize that I am a bit
of an empath. I feel others
emotions very strongly. Over
the weekend I went to a dance
event and I felt it. This
seemingly social anxiety.
But when I repeated to myself,
these are not my emotions,
I realized that I was
simply feeling other's
emotions. It was a nice
realization. Removing the
knot of life.
That sensation, this
realization reminded me
of my latest samadhi experience.
My ego, my whole life, or what
separated me from Consciousness,
was this thin layer, very
fragile, like a scab, ready
to fall out at any moment.
This scab is the human
experience. It's a protective
layer, but it's also uncomfortable.
It's only needed for a moment.
Its existence is limited
in time. I've always felt
that sensation of fragility
and discomfort. But at the
same time I've blamed myself
about it. I am a bad person
because of that 'feeling'.
I should be more compassionate,
more in love with others.
But that judgment is now
waning. I am left with
this sensitivity, this
clarity. I don't have a
difficulty loving others,
it makes me uncomfortable
to feel other's humaneness.
But that discomfort is not
mine, it's actually the
other's scab, the others
grinding sensation of
being alive.
It's a very strange
realization. Creating
an elevated sense of
void, even deeper than
usual. As anxiety try
to settle in, I release
it. I breath, and smile.
I have nothing to offer Thee
for all things are Thine...
