Watching the Joker tonight.
He sings on the phone
an English version
of a French song...
Je te donnerai
des perles de pluie
d'un pays
ou il ne pleut pas
Ne me quitte pas
Ne me quitte pas
Ne me quitte pas
I will do
the impossible
for you
Don't leave me...
A song that
I've cried to
a few years ago
when my wife
wanted to leave me
yet again.
I knew it wasn't good for me
But I preferred to stay
in a painful situation
than to break it apart
Yeah it's not
my first rodeo
My wife wanted
to leave me
many times
while together
Each time I said:
I'll try harder
Each time I took it
upon me, it was my failure
I've failed for 15 years
You would think
after so long
you'd end up succeeding
but no, we separated anyway
The problem with
failing so many times
is that everything becomes
about her.
The foundation of my life
was to make her happy
everything surrounding
my action, my thoughts,
had all the same goal
making her happy
Now, why am I continuing.
There is no more goal,
no more destination.
I don't really care
about any other goals really.
I don't want her
but I miss my purpose
I'd rather have her
and a purpose
than being free
and alone
I don't know how long
this sensation will
follow me..
Before meeting Melina
I was at the end of my
exploration of desires.
I had my fun, my parties,
my orgies, my sex life.
I was content with it,
and I was ready to dedicate
my life to higher purpose.
I told God, if she wanted
me to have a family, she
should put someone in my
life that is very low drama.
And She did.
Now, I'm on the other side
of that relation... I am
back to this void.
Why would I be good at
music, at art, at writing,
if I am alone.
No one to read me, to
hear me, to see my progress.
No one to impress, to charm,
to love...
I was doing it all
for her,
for us...
Now what?
I still reach
for her validation.
She mockingly give it,
I make sure it sounds
like a joke.
As if I needed
that anymore...
I catch myself
so many times
doing sometime
hoping she'll like it
and then realizing
she'll never hear
that piece I played
She'll never read
these word...
She'll never care
anymore
Why play the piano
in an empty house
where no one
will hear my love
It's been over a month now.
It seems like it will go
forever, and I'm still holding
on to what it was.
Not that I want her back
in my life.
I know really well
that this was unhealthy
and I would have died
of that relationship.
I just don't know.
I just can't picture
what's after the event horizon.
I've always had difficulty
picturing myself in the future.
When I travel, I'm always
amazed when I reach a destination.
Wow, I'm still me, but in
a new place. It feel surreal.
Thinking that one day
I'll have a new car
it's a weird feeling.
I don't feel attached
to what I have and where
I am at, but the future
always seems difficult
to imagine.
Really? One day I might
be in a relationship
with someone else?
I really don't see it.
I really have no idea
where I am going
and for what reason
I don't care to be rich,
I don't want to be famous
I don't really need anything.
