The word barely came out
of her thight lips her
face distorted by emotions
I ask her to repeat louder
she couldn't say my name
simply 'Je te quitte'
"We had a beautiful adventure"
I replied, and left. I had
to clear my mind, driving
to buy some grocery and
some meat for the Mother's
day dinner.
My wife left me.
She couldn't stand me anymore.
I block her from being herself
I am too emotional
She deserve better than
a fat crying baby...
I am too immature
I don't do anything around
the house
I don't listen to her
I don't do what she wants
me to do
I can't even clean the
kitchen which I said
I would do
I didn't take my clothe
off the chair in our room
for 2 weeks
I act immaturely with my
daughter
She is afraid to speak up
with me
She is afraid of me
She gave up on even
expressing herself as
I don't listen
It's too taxing to talk
to me so she prefer not
to talk and expect that
I'll get it one day
I make fun of her by not
listening to her
I'm irresponsible
I'm the reason we can't buy a house now
I am the reason we have a bad credit
I am the reason she can't work
I am the reason she can't make money
I am the reason she is not happy
Everything that is wrong in
her life starts with me
It's my fault the she
is so unhappy, that she
has been so unhappy during
the last 15 years of her life
being with me
I made her say these
words, I actually forced her to
say that she wants to leave me
I forced her to say that
She wasn't ready to say that
She wants to leave with
our daughter
It's them alone together
now, no one else
She doesn't want to
leave tonight because she
feel she shouldn't be
the one
But she's afraid to say
that because even after
telling me she is leaving
me she still is afraid
She feels forced that she
needs to leave the house
I have to make it a smooth
easy transition to a new life
I have to not get in the way
I have to be respectful
and do what she tells me to do
It's my fault that she is leaving
so I should be the one who have to
work more so she and my daughter
can have an easy and peaceful
transition
Well folks, Happy Mother's day!
It's didn't come as a surprise
really. We've been together for 15
years, and 5 to 6 times she mentioned
she was thinking of leaving me.
We talked about it, seeing what
was wrong and what could be better.
When I almost died of a pulmonary
embolism, she also though about
leaving me. We talked, and cried...
We stayed together.
When a women called the cops
on me, she though leaving me
might be simpler. We talked,
cried, stayed a bit longer.
At the last ceremony I
participated in, I found a
abode created with cedars.
One cedar was lying on the
ground, as if it was a branch
that became a tree. It was like
an altar in a very small cedar chapel.
I took place on the cedar
altar. I could lay down on
it completely.
I started crying. I cried
the hurt I felt in my heart.
I realized my hurt came from
my relation to my wife. All the
time she wanted to leave me,
all the time I took it in,
waited for her to come back.
All the time she hated me, for
the brief moment of joy and
beauty that would come at
first a many times a year,
then a couple time, finally
quite rarely. I cried and cried
the hurt of not being loved,
the hurt of breaking our family
apart. Of my daughter being lost
in our separation.
Although I was on Huachuma,
although these emotions were
real and clear, I didn't want,
I didn't want my relationship
to be done. I wanted to keep
working on it, and one day
my wife might become happier.
I might be able to be good
enough one day to make
her happy.
I tried for 15 years. And I
really tried. I know I have
been an asshole in my life.
And that I have been quite
loud and taking space. But
I tried, God I tried. But in
the end there was nothing I
could do, nothing I could be,
that would make her happy.
We live in a house built
in the mountain overlooking
a pure water lake, with low
rent, our own beach, sail
boats, kayaks, canoes, two
cars, bikes, skis, snowshoes,
a green house, a tipi, a
sewing studio for my wife,
the first floor as a yoga
studio, my own studio downstairs
next to my daughter's room.
I make most of the income, cook,
clean, massage, care for the
computers, the networks, our
movies and tv shows, take
care of the house plumbing,
electricity, chopping wood...
I build stuff for her, build
her website, business card,
video edit, audio edit, coach
her in her business, I'm
not alcoholic, I don't really
do drugs, I'm not a regular
smoker...
So, right now, although I am
crying and sad to loose all
of that, that all that has
been created in 15 years will
slowly fade in oblivion, I
refuse to feel bad about myself,
to feel like I am the problem
in this equation. I fucking
did my best and I'm fucking
ready to be loved, if not by
anyone else, then by me. I'll
love myself like anyone else
was ever able to love me!
