This week has been quiet.
My mind is quiet, my anxiety
is low. I have a lot of dreams,
I play the violin, a first in
a few months. I drew a few
pages, and I write more.
I wonder if the Happe has
anything to do with that.
More on that soon, but it's
a powder of tobacco and
other plants that I've been
using for a bit.
Time change means that
I've now to figure out
the time every day! I
live on a different time
zone than the other side
of the lake. It makes
for an annoying ferry
ride; if I leave home
at 8am, I arrive at my
destination at 8am!
As I write I realize
what happened. I
remembered that my
suffering aren't mine,
but are coming from
a few generations of
abuse, from father
to son. I don't even
know how far back that
it goes. How many
generations of men who
have been abused by their
father. I know of at
least 3 generations.
I barely escape the
violence, but now it's
in my lap, I can do
something about it.
For me, but also for
all the generations
before me and for all
the generations after me.
I'm waiting for a call
from a healer. She deals
with stuff like that.
Not only she has a training
in family constellation,
but she is also a medium,
talking very directly
to people who have passed.
I've never really believed
in that stuff, or I
never really care to make
an opinion about this.
But I've seen her working
and I was fairly impressed.
The way she was discussing
openly about the stories
of such and such grand-parents
of my friend, as if she
knew them like good friends.
To realize that she was
simply in communication
with them at that moment.
I am almost worried of
what she will find. Why
hasn't she called me back?
Are my dark secrets revealed
once she connect with my
ancestor? Is my past too
dark for her to work with
me?
When I called her on Monday,
I simply needed a confirmation.
She offered that, and it made
me release some of that anxiety.
Do I need to do more work
with her? I want to keep this
learning to the forefront of
my process. I want to remember
that these suffering are not
mine, they come from a previous
generation.
They are in my body, but I
don't need to identify with
them. It's such a strange thing
that I live other people's
suffering from being in relationship
with them, and I live other generation
suffering by being their descendant.
Are there self created suffering
still in me?
I've been working on my
self-created suffering
for a long time. Although
I've been reflecting and
observing myself for a long
time, I can say that in
2002 I clearly started a
process.
Who did I hurt and who
did hurt me? I made a
list of all the tension
that were in my life.
I apologized to the people
that I've hurt, I prayed
for the people who hurt
me. I went back to a cemetary
where I was playing as a kid,
that I desecrated multiple
time, to apologize to all
that were buried there.
I wrote letters, reflections,
I meditated, worked with my
dreams to see all the hurts
and the bruises and untangled
a lot of that stuff. I didn't
have a very dramatic life
so it hasn't been too much
of a process.
Over the last 20 years,
I've been to multiple
retreats, and worked with
my emotional body over
and over again.
There isn't a lot left to
deal with. This gloomy
feeling I've had for many
months now feels like it's
not coming from me.
My two main archetypes,
mother and father, both
have massive hurt. A
feeling of abandonment
coming from my mother,
and a feeling of unworthy
of love, not good enough,
coming from my father.
It's quite the mix.
How far will the generational
healing need to go? Realizing
that it's a generational healing
already soften the blow.
I don't need to go through
all the generation and deal
with them, but I need to
recognize what is not mine.
Ultimately nothing is
mine, which is exactly
the process of liberation.
It's easy to say, but can
also be used as an escape.
I felt a void in the last
few months and I was
wondering why. There wasn't
anything that I had to work
on anymore, or at least
nothing major. Yet there
was this heaviness. What
is there once you've done
your work? The trauma of
my family? Does it reside
in my body? I read that
there are stuff passed
through epigenetics...
How to heal from that?
I need to remind myself
again and again, this is
not my suffering. I see
it, I feel it, but it's
not mine and it's not
self created either.
Some sort of prayer or
affirmation to summarize
the process...
I recognize and welcome
these emotions in my body.
I accept them,
but they are not mine.
I am ready to release them,
for myself,
for all the generations
before me,
and for all the generation
after me.
I am healing
not only my life
but the life of others
around me.
I create a current
of evolution
encompassing our
physicality,
a clear channel,
pulling in and dissolving
what is not needed
anymore.
