I'm still fragile, emotions
get triggered easily, but
there is less crying.
It such a good lesson, to
know that this is all self
created. No one around me
pushed me into this, no one
'played' me. Just me and
my imagination, a bit of
human interaction.
I pull a tarot reading,
and from the lover to
death to the pope, the
change is quite powerful.
I never related much to
the pope, but now I see
how it take a place of
compassion, but also
detachment (in my own
reading this time).
Becoming a guide and
not pulled into the
drama. The lover has 2
other characters in the
card, Death has 2 severed
heads in the card, and
the pope as 2 students
in the card. From the
pull of the lover in
different direction,
to cutting their head,
and finally becoming
the attraction of the
teacher... I can see
this manifesting.
Time heal, but it's
slow. I wish I was
over but I'm not ready
to be over. On Tuesday,
tired of the relentless
emotional turmoil, I
tried some ketamine.
It actually works a
bit too well. It shifted
my focus and gave me a
bit of a break.
I've also stopped smoking
tobacco a few days ago, so
I am detoxing from that
as well. Moving from one
drug (love) to a lesser
drug (tobacco) was kind
of helpful for a bit.
Am I still hoping for
love in return? Yeah,
I'm still waiting, she
would snap her finger
and I'd jump like a
show dog. But I feel
less desperate, and
I use this experience
as a practice to life
in general.
Some of the learning:
1.
Just enjoy the moment,
if I can enjoy this
moment, anything extra
will be even more enjoyable.
2.
If I am expecting and wanting
more and feeling unsatisfied
of the moment, then it
creates expectations
which gets broken,
which creates more
suffering.
3.
Feeding a constant
desire through thinking
about someone every day,
by fantasizing about
that person, create a
very strong habit, a
very strong current.
Once that imagination
crashed with reality,
that current will take
time to calm down.
I want to create
less current in my
life, so then I can
be more flexible as
reality changes.
4.
There is a desire for
having a purpose and
a goal in life. When
'someone' become that
goal, it's really exciting.
My general goal of health,
wealth and evolution seems
to fall to the side when
she might be a reachable
goal. This is a hard one,
as it's a lot more exciting
to pursue love than evolution.
5.
I put a lot of energy to find
someone who will love me, as
I have lost the habit of loving
myself. My last relation I've
lost this simple idea that
I am lovable. The faintest
glimmer that someone might
love me get me to loose
control and seek that love
at any cost.
6.
The path I am on, of
healing and evolution,
can be dry, and boring.
The more I walk that
path, the more the outside
world become exciting,
(in my fantasy land)
7.
Healing is the hardest path
to take. You have to look
at what you cherish the most,
what you are addicted to, and
hold it close to you, without
consuming it. Letting it dry
up, while you cry, until it's
completely released. And you
have to do this again and
again, in order to liberate
from everything that binds
you down.
Eternal life is the most
painful life, as you would
keep on loosing everyone
that you loved, hoping
they would also reach
eternal life...
