I am tired of thinking
about her, or crying
about her. I know it's
not reciprocal, and it
wasn't real to a certain
degree. Only time now
will let her image fade
away. There is part of
my that wants to hold-on
to what was there.
I feel like she played
a role in my life, and
it healed me, it changed
me to my core, and now
her role is over. I am
unsure how to feel about
that. Did I use her? She
enjoyed the ride and was
the one who closed the
'relation'. Am I letting
her down? She seems fine
walking away from it.
It feels like we never
really talked, we were
just interacting, but
never spoke really. I
don't know if talking
now would be useful, or
it would just pressure
her or me into a fake
next step? There is so
much I would say, but
would it even mean anything.
I know what is going on
is for the best of both
of us, but it hurts. I
realize how my life was
empty before she came to
me. Now I am back into
that emptiness and there
is little to no goal.
I am back to healing,
business, relationship
with my daughter, taking
care of the home, somewhat
lightening my owning,
creating some saving...
I guess my interaction with
her generated a lot of dopamine,
not only from substances but
from the tension of not knowing,
the expectation, the waiting,
the wondering, the fear,
the emotions and the lust.
All that creating quite the
cocktail in my brain, a rush,
a roller coaster, an
excitement that I miss now.
Do I miss more these sensations than
her? This reminds me of the movie
Hurt Locker, where you see
how being a solider at war
could be so much more addictive
than day to day life.
As I am progressing into
my 'liberation', day-to-day
life isn't has motivating
anymore. The rush I experienced
with her pulled me into quite
the adventure. I don't know
if I'll have that obsession
again. Part of me wants to
escape into another adventure
like that. Part of me is
tired of that too.
But there is healing in this.
That's the weird part, as much
as I see this as escapism from...
from what I think is 'healing',
the whole event really changed
me to my core. Not just little
habits that changed, but a
deeper shift. Not following
these passions or obsessions,
wouldn't that become escapism
from my liberation?
Sometime I feel like a full
path to liberation would
completely screw up my life.
Like if I embraced my writer
self, and I would stop burning
my material, it would completely
change the life I have now,
to something really unknown
and probably really weird.
I'm scared of that. I'm scared
of who I would become. I have
this romantic view of the
'liberated' me, but I think
the liberated me might be
really strange and not this
pure enlightened yogi.
I'm starting to have these
vision and understanding
of how sexuality is used
in spiritual practices.
And it changes my view on
what my evolution might
look like, and it's weird.
The events that happened
in the last few months,
completely change my
understanding of reality.
I try to hide behind a
socially acceptable
behavior, but healing and
liberation somewhat doesn't
respect this socially
acceptable path.
If you only choose a
socially acceptable
behavior, you can't
fully heal or liberate.
Our society is not designed
for healing, and when you
need to deal with deep
seated childhood trauma,
you have to step outside
what is socially acceptable
in order to live what you
need to live in order to heal.
I'm experiencing how unhealthy
our society is, not only from
advertising, marketing,
media overload, but a deeply
seated belief of what is
good and what is bad, which
stop us form truly being human.
We are being abuse by
the culture we live in
without a way to reciprocate,
to defend ourselves.
And it's a passive-aggressive
slow-burn type of abuse.
And therefore it becomes really
hard to heal, as we can't
act, or embody what needs
to happen in order to heal.
We feel bad about who
we are, and would feel
even worst if we had to
act in a way that would be
socially judged. We're
stuck in our trauma,
wanting to look proper
as we slowly get consumed
by the ghost that haunts us.
How to ride the wave?
How to not loose myself
into my crazy reality,
while healing and keeping
the people I love close
to me?
It feels like some healing
can only happens in a certain
period of my life, when I
am not needed to support
anyone, when I am not needed
to be proper anymore.
When I can be as crazy I
need to be in order to
release all this past
trauma. When I can write
and express anything that
needs to come out of me,
without censor, without fear.
