Writing is all I can do
these days. I want to
write all the time.
If it's not on this
computer it's in my
notebooks.
It keeps me sane. It
gets the stuff out of
my brain.
A nice next step in
my process is that
I realize:
I am attracted to
people who don't
love me. I want to
make them love me.
I do everything for
them to love me.
My mother kicked
me out of the home
when I was 14. There
is a part of me that
want to heal that.
That want the rejection
to be gone. Now I got
rejected by a girl.
I have a hard time
to get over it, but
not over her really.
The feeling is that
she rejected me so I
want to win her back.
I want to mend that
rejection.
Earlier today I was
looking into the powers
of the mantras. I was
at first looking
for the mantras
that could bring me
love, that could bring
me her love. I wanted
to force her love
toward me.
But as I was browsing
the powers of the mantra,
it didn't feel right.
What would I gain to
get her to love me?
How would I feel once
she loves me?
Another mantra has
the power to cure
from childhood trauma.
Wouldn't that be better?
My ex didn't love me,
this girl didn't love
me, yet I wanted to
make it happen.
What am I trying
to prove through that?
A weekend with my
mother showed me
how she doesn't love
herself. She couldn't
really love me. We lived
in the same room with her
during our weekend.
We could feel the
tensions, the emotions
emanating from her.
The relationship she
has with her dog,
the anger, the shame
the fear. Why would
I require love from
her when she doesn't
have love for herself?
But then what am I
trying to heal? How
can I heal that?
Can a relationship
heal this part of
myself? Can I put
that desire unto
someone's else lap?
The realization that
my grieving from that
last relationship wasn't
about her, but about the
wound that is still open
helped me shift the
sadness. I am not sad
about loosing her, I
never 'had' her. I am
sad about the wound
that opened up, and
that is now wide open.
I don't feel loved,
I don't feel accepted.
Both my parents kicked
me out of their home.
This feeling of rejection
continued with my ex-wife.
Now I carry that with me.
I'm afraid of others people
love, yet I am attracted
by people who don't love me.
I'm attracted toward
impossible relationship.
I realized that a relationship
can be healing, or can be addictive.
Right now I want the addiction.
I want the weird unlikely
partner that is not my type,
that is also broken, so
that we can be two broken
human together feeding
each others addiction.
I want the weird twisted
loved fueled by lust and
addiction that will tear
me apart. We both knows that
it's wrong but we like it.
I had a relationship like
that before. Fueled by lust,
it almost drove me crazy,
until she slept with my
best friend. I was destroyed
by that relationship. And
now I ask for more of it.
Maybe that's the way toward
healing? The samurai and
the geisha.
Today I wondered about
doing some LSD. It would
have help me I think, but
I went for tobacco instead.
Numbing me further, drinking
the mescal, smoking, and
writing, alone.
I read Bukowski, who embraced
decadence. Writing, drinking,
and fucking as much as he
could. A poster boy of
perfect decadence. He
seemed to enjoy his life.
Do I want that? Can I
live like that? What would
I gain from this? At this
moment, it seems like
an sweet escape from
reality.
My loneliness weight on me.
I feel like if I was in an
urban environment it would
be utterly different.
