As I try to fall asleep, my hands
sticky, I feel dirty. I go to the
lake and rince my feet, my hands and
my face.
I feel refresh by the lake. The
night is quiet. I am confused,
too much scotch after diner.
I really have a personality disorder
of some sort. As if I lived
different life, and they would
play out for a few weeks, a few
months and the it changes.
I am then surprised by how I saw
reality just a few days ago, just
a few weeks ago. Was I really
thinking that way? With the experience
of what I am now, the past seems
quite alien.
It's not cyclical though, it's
more of a spiral. And it does
seems to be spinning in the
right direction.
I am afraid how far would one
personality aspect would take it.
I am also sometime attached to
how I used to behave for a bit.
Afraid to loose all of that reality.
Rooted in my sexuality and my
healing my view of the world shift
rapidly. I am glad I don't have
substance abuse issue on top of it.
Meditation and yoga does create
a lot of dissociation with my
culture. It's really hard to make
sense of the world I live in. This
dry, consumer, shallow existence
based in production without any
tangible goal. A reality stripped
from any depth or magic...
I'm wavering from plundging into
an addictivce mental hook which
drown me into a delusional fantasie
of fear and lust to an awaken,
empowered state of developement
of self and community healing trough
movement, music creativity and
interpersonal playfulness.
The waves are getting bigger on both
side. I used to be able to stay in
the middle without affecting my
world too much. But it feels more
like a slippery slope nowdays.
I can't stay in that status quo
anymore.
How can I reduce the extreme? Or
how can I choose a side and not
have to waver so extremely?
And if I do, am I denying a part
of myself that wants to exist?
That 'dark' part of the self,
what do I have to learn from it?
It's not so much in the actions
I do, but in the motivation and
attachmet to what I might gain
from them.
For example, an event happens,
it's enjoyable. I can be in that
moment, enjoy the moment, tell
to myself this is enjoyable
and continue my life. Or the
same event, I can say, this is
enjoyable, I am weird to think
this is enjoyable, but I'll do
everything possible to have
more of it, while judging myself
negatively.
The wind picks up, and like a bellow
the tippi fills itself.
It might be a good time for a
ceremony with Huachuma. It's been
a while. It generally helps me
create a good foundation for
many months.
