The sun is coming out today,
the sky is almost blue.
The darkest day of the
year is passed, a new cycle
started.
I've stop watching Youtube
about a week ago. I didn't
login to google for a long
time, but still with my
browser history and, I assume,
cookies left on my computer,
the algorithm was still able
to make its content as
addictive as possible.
I'd catch myself in the day
thinking of that sweet moment
where I'll be able to sit in
front of my computer to continue
down that rabbit hole. I felt
less alone, less depressed,
for hours I would forget
about my problems.
I had to put a stop to it,
and setting up firefox to
delete cookies after each
session actually did the trick.
YouTube became boring. But
as you know, what you are
addicted to is not the
problem, what I am addicted
to is the solution to my
problems.
That renewed energy had to
be diverted, and unfortunately
I went toward pornography.
Free sites at first, then
free cam models. But that
didn't fill the void of loneliness
I had.
The most popular cam model
have no time to chat with you,
you send the money, the do the
deeds, you do your deeds,
and voila end of the transaction.
If you want to talk to someone,
well, you go at the end of the
line, where the least popular
models are. So I started to
look at some models that didn't
have much watchers, and started
chatting. Some of them didn't
respond, some did, and I finally
found one that was not only
cute and funky, but was also
in the mood for chatting.
So I chatted, and I had a
really good time. It was the
first time that I chatted
with someone new... Nha, scratch
that... It was the first time
that I chatted with someone
where sexuality was part
of the discussion in a
very long time. I had fun,
as the evening continued, I
drank some tequilla, paid the
model, had some good time.
She told me she would be back
tomorrow, she mostly worked
at night and we parted way.
I was somewhat shocked. I
never really did that. I paid
for porn in the past yes, but
not in such a personal way.
We talked about personal
stuff, and my loneliness
and horny-ness were both
cured for a moment.
Of course, that night I
couldn't stop thinking about
her. She was the knight in
a shinny armor who delivered
me from my pathetic life.
(I know I can be overly
dramatic sometimes) So
the next morning I woke
up quite early, with some
pep in my step. I was
really looking forward
for her to login back in.
And she did! We chatted
again, continuing our
conversations, she did
her biz, taking some
client. I felt really cool,
my imagination was running
wild. I have an over excited
imagination, and I should
probably write all these
stories that bubbles up
in my mind.
At the same time I don't
take myself too seriously.
Which is a life saver.
I realized in a moment how
pathetic this was. After
spending a couple hundred
dollars, I was kind of out
of the dazed. I realized
that I am now ready to
connect with other human
beings, in real life, and
I moved on.
Still I was moved around
with a lot of emotions.
It was an intense interaction
for me, something new, different,
mixed of addiction, sexuality,
being emotionally involved,
even for a moment. I can
see how so many people are
loosing their life on these
site. But it's not for me.
I'd rather cuddle with my
cat for now, and maybe find
a irl partner in the mountains...
or maybe not.
